Whispers in Their Minds – Part 8

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Finally have part 8 up on my fiction site for the Emily and Levi saga. Please check it out 🙂

Raeavljus Writes

Emily stood at the end of Levi’s driveway, staring at his door. Despite her excesses the night before, she had still remembered her promise to show up at his house. She was nothing if not a woman that kept her promises; yet she was mentally kicking herself over this trait.

That’s it. New resolution: become a flake, she thought to herself before sighing and walking up the driveway.

After stepping up onto the porch, she hesitated once again. Staring at the familiar blue door with the stupid sign indicating that one should shout “Ding Dong!” should the door bell be out of service.

She realised she could hear her heart beating in her ears. Maybe she needed another minute before knocking on the door…. She turned around and stepped down so that she could lower herself onto the top step. She sat there gripping the edge of the porch…

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No Longer Woefully Tattooless

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I’ve been wanting a tattoo since I was 17. I’ve told you all this before. I was never the type to jump in for such a permanent addition to my body without being absolutely sure I would love it forever… So I gave myself time limits to think on ideas and if I had any doubts by that time I would write off the idea.

That is why, at 19, when I started to date my tattooed husband, I was still woefully tattooless. …And he wished it to remain that way.

Mid-last year I recall telling you guys that I finally decided what I really wanted. I had been thinking about it for years and had yet to change my mind. So I brought it up to Jason again. At that time – after 13 years of marriage – he agreed that he wouldn’t mind anymore if I got one. The only conditions were to not do it in Alice… I had to wait until I was back in the US at a minimum. It would not only be cheaper, but I’d have more options as far as locations/artists, and most importantly the place in Alice was supposedly notoriously unsanitary – having been shut down more than once.

Deal.

I have since tweaked the tattoo I wanted last year – still has the same image; I have just added to it. I have also since moved to Marinette, WI. Once we settled I looked up reviews of tattoo parlours in the vicinity, and it turned out the one in Marinette itself had very good reviews and the art posted on their Facebook was impressive. So I made a consult appointment on my birthday (Jason will be paying for my tattoo as a birthday present.)

The appointment has been made for April 12th with “Ryan 2” …I’m über excited, naturally… but… Much closer to Paul’s April 6th birthday than my February 7th one 😛 Sooo… Yay! Happy Birthday, Paul, present for meeeee!

Srsly though, I have been trying to remain patient. I’ve waited 17 years after all. Well, today the parlour posted on Facebook that they had some walk in times available.

I had been thinking about a particular phrase I wanted as well, thinking I’d wait till after my other planned one… but… the opportunity presented itself… and I figured it wouldn’t hurt to have my first tattoo actually be a small one, before I settle in for a bigger one.

So I strolled back into Main Street Electric Tattoo Co in Marinette, WI

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I got a spot with “Ryan 1” – the owner of said business – and handed him my slip of paper. It had the phrase I wanted, in my handwriting to keep it as one-of-a-kind as possible. I wanted the phrase “Nevertheless, she persisted” except… with it being such a prevalent quote at the moment, I don’t trust that other women wouldn’t get essentially the same tattoo. I would at least hope my body art will be more unique than not.

So I wrote it down in Swedish: “Hon härdade ändå”

Not only do I love the quote in as far as the words having been said in the spirit of reprimand, yet the world has latched onto these words and turned them into praise. I have also connected with these words on a personal level.

I sent a bracelet to my sister, Finding Reverie, for her birthday this past week – yes we are both February babies – with “Nevertheless, she persisted” as well. My feeling was that regardless of the popular connotation, that she would be able to take those words as her own. Take those words as a reminder that she is a fucking strong woman that has made it through a hell of a lot in her 24 years. Like a Viking, Huah! …and hey, our people are Nordic… 😉 Truth is, Reverie was in a very abusive relationship more recently that I. She still struggles with anxiety and the like because of it.

Side note: SHE LOVED IT. I am the most awesome biggest sister she has in the world! 😀

As we know, I too have had my struggles with my past abusers as well as the depression. These words remind me somewhat of the semi-colon movement… Though I have never wanted one of those tattoos because at this point soooo many people have essentially the same thing. I’ve showed you Vollie-Dan’s… My friend Mitch has one… another friend Tiffany has one (though to be fair hers is more elaborate, so that’s cool.) As I’ve said… I’ve never wanted matchy-matchy type tattoos.

Anyway, that is my reasoning behind this brand new tattoo… and, naturally, I have pictures for you. Enjoy!

My stenciled wrist drying and eagerly anticipating the start… and Ryan 1 at work. It was… uh… stingy. LOL… Stingy, but manageable.

My view from the chair – Ryan 1’s work space.

Ryan 2’s work space and the wall behind the register… I just love their decor.  Unfortunately I did not take pictures of everything. Check out their FB page linked above for further examples if you are so inclined.

Oh, of course… I need to show you the finished product!

Hmmmm… apparently I need to update my manicure. Ignore that, why don’t you? 😉

So anyway, now all there is to do is let it heal and wait patiently for my bigger tattoo. I’ve got my salve… and… the only fragrance free soap I could find in my house was a Swedish egg soap …fitting? LOL. I’m ready to go…

and Hey! Stinging subsided quite awhile ago; regardless, it was worth the pain and worth the ability to say “I persisted” despite it.

Dane Memory #2

Aha! I did write about Dane leaving me a drunk voicemail that was a prime mocking BFF boy opportunity – as I mentioned yesterday in my “We are the loudest tooth fairy” post… Sooo Sharing it again as it was posted a looooong time ago so most of y’all likely haven’t read it anyway. Actually, I’m sharing it to provide further proof of how hilarious I am… HAHAHA! Sooo anyway… Enjoy 🙂

I Will Not Live in Vain

Before the fight…

Dane and I hadn’t been friends for long when Elizabeth broke up with him. She was a good Lutheran girl from our church, one of the pastor’s extended family members – beautiful, devout, pretty much everything that Dane wanted in a girl. The only thing is he didn’t express any of that adequately to her.

Dane was committed to his career and, to be honest, was a bit of a commitment-phobe with the ladies. Not that he didn’t want to commit entirely, more like he wanted to be absolutely sure that a girl was the right one before committing. Elizabeth was a serious girl, young 20s but ready to start looking into building a family of her own. She spoke to Dane about it, from what I understand, but Dane hemmed and hawed during that conversation. Yes, he wanted a wife and family, but didn’t want to…

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Hey Mum

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I pulled into Zinger Coffee & Tea’s drive through just as Bachelor Girl’s song “Buses and Trains” started coming through my speakers. It had been a long time since I’d listened to that song.

I liked it as a teen, but hadn’t really thought much about the song as a whole. But as I grabbed my “Sweet Pea” latte (Caramel and Hazelnut… Don’t ask me why they call it a Sweet Pea… It’s a February special, so likely just a cutesy name related to Valentine’s day) and started to listen a little more closely.

I realised that I related more to this song than I had understood as a teen.

“Hey Mum, why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you teach me a thing or two? You just let me go out into the world; you never thought to share what you knew…”

About a year and a half ago at this point, my mother came to visit me in Australia. I sat down with her in my living room, with a bottle of wine, and asked her some very similar questions.

I had found out about some issues she had had with her relationship with my father. She had since found out about my abusive relationship – basically. I don’t think she even still cares to hear about the specifics. I mean… I can’t blame her for that. I don’t think I’d want to know details if I were her either. Plus… She had been more involved with my littlest sister and getting her out of an abusive relationship in recent years. It would have burdened her more than necessary to know, really.

Yet…

“Hey Mum, why didn’t you warn me? ‘Cause I found boys were something I should have known. They’re like chocolate cake, like cigarettes – I know they’re bad for me, but I just can’t leave them alone.”

“Why didn’t you tell us about you and dad? I wish you had been honest with me about stuff like that.”

She looked me in the eye, with a serious expression, as she picked up her glass of wine. “You really want to know? I’ll tell you whatever you want to know now…”

“I do. …It may not have changed much… But if I had known… If you had been frank with me about this kind of stuff… Maybe I would have made at least some better decisions… Maybe I would have avoided the worst of it.”

My mother nodded as if to say she understood and had taken on board my concerns. She then launched into honestly outlining her side of the relationship.

I must say, I appreciate the candid response she gave me… But at the same time it seemed a little too late. Yet… I honestly can’t say how I would have handled the information had I learned it when I needed it – around 13 years of age. Mainly because the majority of the information had to do with my father.

Still… If I had known… If I had a frank discussion or 12 with my mother, perhaps I could have avoided an abusive relationship, or at the very least lessened it. I might have even avoided dangerous situations (i.e Timmy or David). I’m not saying all of my past problems would have not happened… But perhaps I would have made some better decisions once in awhile. I wouldn’t have believed that controlling behaviour and jealousy meant he loved me. I may not have felt that I owed anyone sexual favours or my very heart.

As it stands, I plan to tell my daughter (and my son) about my past before they start eying the opposite sex. I plan to tell them about the abuse I endured, about the mistakes and the triumphs in my relationships. I plan to tell them about the bad – Wyatt, David… though depending on their age I may sanitize certain aspects… basic info without the detail really. I’ll tell them about the good – Justin, Andre… etc I’ll tell them about the relationships in between – Viktor, Sven… and how they shouldn’t settle and dismiss their feelings for the sake of not hurting otherwise nice people. Yet – it’ll be unacceptable for them to be assholes of course. LOL Gosh, this parenting thing is hard. This may have to be over more than one conversation… I guess I’ll take it as it comes…

So anyway… This morning, I took a sip of my latte and started to sing along:

“So I walked under a bus, I got hit by a train. Keep falling in love – which is kinda the same. I’ve sunk out at sea, crashed my car… gone insane – and it felt so good, I wanna do it again.”

Oh, Bachelor Girl… You get me… Even at 34 I sometimes can’t help but feel that I wanna do it all again… OMG WTF is wrong with me?? 😉

Well hey, I suppose there’s something about the rush. The endorphins, the dopamine… The men whether they’re good or bad for me… and maybe, deep down, I think if I did it again I might make better decisions. But you know what? If I’m honest with myself, I’m not so sure that would be true…. Knowing what I know now, I still am more attracted to the “bad boy;”  like a bad habit. I think maybe I should just not have let myself get a taste of them in the first place…

Now if you’ll excuse me; I have a sudden urge for chocolate cake and a cigarette…

“We are the Loudest Tooth Fairy”

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I have gleaned permission from Dane to share with you a text conversation we had around midnight last night. I thought perhaps you guys would find it as amusing as I did. I’m tempted to just post screenshots with his real name blotted out… but that smacks of cheating on a writing blog… LOL Though that didn’t stop me putting a small part as the featured image… as if to prove to you my stories aren’t made up…? or something…? Haha

Anyway, the conversation officially started much earlier in the evening when I sent these pictures:

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With the note “Felt odd finally going back to an Old Chicago without you! Miss you bunches! :* ”

As a side note to give you some background – Old Chicago, as you can see, is a restaurant that specializes in Pizza and Beer (though they have various other pub foods as well.) They also run a “World Beer Tour” in which one drinks “110 unique beers from our stellar selection (duplicate beers do no apply)” in no particular time frame. Once you’ve done that, you get your name engraved onto their Wall of Foam (at whichever location you finished your tour at.) They also have various other “mini tours” during various parts of the year that you can earn swag by drinking those particular beers included in the mini tour.

All that being said: When Dane left Tennessee he had earned his name on the Wall of Foam no less than FIVE times. When you reach five at any particular location, the color of the metal tag that your name is engraved on that time changes. I believe; however, that his 5th was at a different location than our usual haunt in Clarksville. We went every Wednesday (well, he did – I just went often) with various friends and he usually strong armed me into going for lunch with him on Sundays… Ok, ok not really strong armed me per se… but… well… we’ll just say I didn’t argue when he declared we were going there after church lol. Most often we went on Sundays because he had something on his mind and wanted to talk to me over a beer.

After that 5th time, I lost track and honestly have no idea if he kept up the motivation to continue refinishing world tours over and over.

So to bring it back around… I sent him a text that dripped with nostalgia. A few hours later he responded like this:

Yay Old Chicago!

I’m super drunk with kin right now

This woke me up – usually I don’t go to bed till midnight or later, but I happened to fall asleep pretty early last night.

This started a bit of a back and forth as he explained what he was doing and who he was with – essentially he had been at a bar his cousin owns.

He explained the relation of said cousin:

dad’s oldest sisters son

Then he stated seemingly out of the blue:

Daughter lost first tooth.

Tacked on as if that explained further who said cousin was.

Yup, ok on the same page now 🙂

Cool

Are you tasked to be the tooth fairy? I responded.

With a hint of sulkiness coming through my screen, he wrote:

They won’t let me dump the pennies from my car under her pillow

The bed shook as I gulped back laughter that threatened to burst out loud. I didn’t want to wake my husband. I expressed this amusement as best I could through text:

Haha Haha! What a good use for them though!

Fuck I am drunk, was his natural reply.

Lol, not such a terrible thing.

At least you are texting me and not leaving drunk voicemails to people… maybe.

I said this thinking back to voicemails he has left to me in the past. One of which was an amazing opportunity to take the mickey out of him the next day… I’ll have to look and see if I’ve told you all about that before… Hmmm….

The conversation continued on for a bit in that drunk person can only focus on one thing at a time kind of jump-from-topic-to-topic fashion (well the conversation as a whole had that feeling.)

My job now is to wake up in time to shower for church, he said.

You can do it, I believe in you, I replied.

Thanks

No Worries

Their brita is so empty

Brita? I queried

… I was legitimately confused but he quickly changed subject (reading back now I realise he meant their water pitcher – he tends to drink masses amounts of water right before bed after a night of drinking.)

And this is where the featured image comes in – he jumped back to the tooth fairy topic.

We are the loudest tooth fairy

I can’t deny that made me smile…

We? Am I being a tooth fairy with you?

Yaaay!

Oops Shhh

(I knew he probably meant he and his cousin… but it’s fun playing with drunk Dane… and did think maybe part of his loudness was his phone going off lol)

Thank goodness, kin made up a bed for me, he jumped topic again.

PS How cute is it that he uses the word “kin” as a pronoun? haha

They love you, of course they did.

Going to sleep now?

Holy shit, Raiders of the Lost Ark is on Amazon

Well obviously you got to stay up and watch it…

Unless you need to get up for church… then…

They are not amused, he informed me.

Psssh you’re hilarious when you’re drunk.

Tell them that.

Because I’m an instigator – that’s why… and I could just imagine him insisting he’s hilarious Hahaha

aaaaand End Scene.

That’s enough of that, you don’t need our “good nights” etc.  I must say though that I love having Dane back in my life… Not that he was gone before, well not except for that 2 year period after “the fight,” but I mean having him in real time again. Having the ability to text since he very very rarely uses messanger or other similar apps… Just having him the next state over is awesome… Hopefully that means we can see each other face to face sometime in the near future.

That text stream last night reminded me of old times… It’s been too long since I’ve been even remotely included in Dane-shenanigans, haha. I’d give almost anything to get another weekend, happily inebriated and in the company of Best Friend Boy 🙂

 

 

 

Bitstrips… Babe… Come Back to Me

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In my last post I mentioned the love affair I had with Bitstrips when it was still an active app. I made a good several strips… Usually making at minimum two or three at a time and posting them on FB… At the time one of my youth, Claire, was being much much more prolific in sharing Pingu memes. I made comment to her and she shot back that my Bitstrips were more annoying. Bah! Clearly, as you can see above, I told her what. Haha

Bitstrips was awesome. I loved it… It was, dare I say it? My Jam… 😉

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So I am going to share with you a fair handful of some of my faves I had saved. If you have a shockingly poor sense of humor, like Claire, you might as well go… just go.. now.

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Ha… anyway, several of them featured some certain best friends… First Maja:

Clearly, I love her 😛 Also, clearly we joke a lot about uncouth things – if you recall many of my stories you’d pick the jokes up right away. Otherwise, I’ll explain. The clinic one, first of all says “You Have… erm… Chlamydia” and “Hell, not again.” Because… Yes, That boy DID give me cooties haha… along with that the last one was for her benefit, though her avatar is not in it… There I’m saying “WTF, discretion please” while he shouts out “Price on Chlamydia medication, please!”

The reference to breath mints and lip gloss was from when she tried to rescue me from a creep by kissing me full on the mouth.

Next a really good friend named Melissa made frequent appearances in my strips – and I did hers…

Aaand random other friends….

Now I’m wondering if this was such a good idea… ha… some of my humor may be a little… off… to some of you… Oh well. Only live once, right? 😛 Ok, I’ll just add one last group of random other ones that amuse me:

Clearly I have too much time on my hands… I am aware of this now…. But ah well. It was fun while it lasted. They say once you have a break up you shouldn’t entertain going back to an ex. I think that’s crap as a general rule (depends on the situation) – in this case, I would totally take my love, Bitstrips, back if ever given the chance…

 FYI I included the cake one for you specifically, Fatty McCupcakes 😉

Anyway, I hope at least a couple of these gave you a chuckle. Hopefully you don’t dislike them like *siiiiggghhhh* Claire did… If that’s the case, then I only have one last thing to say:

Initial Announcement 

Check out my writing plans… tell me what you think… I’ve got initial mock ups of covers for each of these upcoming projects. Well, except the online romance one that hasn’t been started yet… Hopefully I’ll be able to finish these in a timely manner along with the rewrite of book #1 (I Will Not Live In Vain – title may change as well) …and hopefully you all will enjoy my efforts!

Raeavljus Writes

Hey guys, guess what?! I’ve got a fiction book in the works. In fact, I will be working on three different manuscripts…

I’ll be continuing the Zarah children’s book, an online romance type novel (I’ll be working on that in conjunction with a male author friend of mine – I’ll explain more of that in time), and as you can see from the image – a collection of domestic abuse relationship stories called “It Will Never Happen Again” … this will include the Grace Story (will likely rename), Whispers in Their Minds, and 2 – 3 other stories that have yet to be written. Those stories will likely not be posted here, at least not more than excerpts from time to time.

I am just in initial stages, so that cover may change based on resolution of the images etc… but I’m liking how it’s all turning out and flowing…

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