The world didn’t burn

Have you ever had the urge to watch the world burn, as they say? To just throw caution to the wind and let the chips fall where they may?

I had that urge yesterday.

It may not seem like a big deal to you, but for me telling Dan anything about my feelings is like that. Like if I let it out to him or in front of him, the world will just start burning. Flames shooting up between us, maybe a friendship ruined after all these years because … awwwkwaaard…

I have been trying to be more open with people this year. Especially close personal relationships – since that is where I tend to have the most discomfort. It’s strange, I can be frank and honest to people I don’t know that well… but when it comes to, say, my husband I have always had a harder time opening up and letting down my guard. Perhaps it’s old wounds from past relationships… perhaps it’s simply that close relationships – or relationships that used to be close in some cases – are more important to me, therefore I feel the need to be more careful with them.

However; I’ve been trying to be open this year – and so far it is working wonders in my marriage. On that note, I debated with myself all morning about whether to just damn well grow up and be open with Dan – and send him the link from yesterday’s blog post (“Hopefully he won’t read it.”)

On one hand I just wanted to watch the world burn, on the other hand I was scared shitless to actually be that open with him – for the shame, for the awkwardness, for the possibility that he’d think I’m crazy and never want to be friends with me again.

But if I watch the world burn… it would be such a release…

So, about four hours later I sent Dan a message with the link. I rambled a bit – telling him straight out that the thought of being completely open with him makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable (read: terrified), but that I’d been working on being more open / less guarded and all of that. I told him I decided I want to attempt to be open with him after all of these years. I also assured him that just because I said in the post “Hopefully he won’t want to read it” (the book) – that he shouldn’t take it as a discouragement if he really is curious.

A couple of hours later I recieved his response. He read the post, then he said “Tell you what. If I do read it, I’ll warn you beforehand.” He also noted that he has been very busy lately (which I knew) so he won’t have a chance to read it very soon.

“Sounds reasonable,” I responded. I reminded him that I don’t expect him to pay for it – so if he does want to read it, let me know his mailing address at the time and I’d provide it for free.

“Deal,” he said.

So the world didn’t burn after all… a couple of sparks for a minute there, but nothing caught fire. I still feel a little awkward knowing he read what I wrote yesterday and wondering what he was thinking as he read it… but I also still have a small smile on my face as I think on his gracious response. I still have a small smile as I realize I was open with Dan and the world didn’t burn.

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