Have you ever had the urge to watch the world burn, as they say? To just throw caution to the wind and let the chips fall where they may?
I had that urge yesterday.
It may not seem like a big deal to you, but for me telling Dan anything about my feelings is like that. Like if I let it out to him or in front of him, the world will just start burning. Flames shooting up between us, maybe a friendship ruined after all these years because … awwwkwaaard…
I have been trying to be more open with people this year. Especially close personal relationships – since that is where I tend to have the most discomfort. It’s strange, I can be frank and honest to people I don’t know that well… but when it comes to, say, my husband I have always had a harder time opening up and letting down my guard. Perhaps it’s old wounds from past relationships… perhaps it’s simply that close relationships – or relationships that used to be close in some cases – are more important to me, therefore I feel the need to be more careful with them.
However; I’ve been trying to be open this year – and so far it is working wonders in my marriage. On that note, I debated with myself all morning about whether to just damn well grow up and be open with Dan – and send him the link from yesterday’s blog post (“Hopefully he won’t read it.”)
On one hand I just wanted to watch the world burn, on the other hand I was scared shitless to actually be that open with him – for the shame, for the awkwardness, for the possibility that he’d think I’m crazy and never want to be friends with me again.
But if I watch the world burn… it would be such a release…
So, about four hours later I sent Dan a message with the link. I rambled a bit – telling him straight out that the thought of being completely open with him makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable (read: terrified), but that I’d been working on being more open / less guarded and all of that. I told him I decided I want to attempt to be open with him after all of these years. I also assured him that just because I said in the post “Hopefully he won’t want to read it” (the book) – that he shouldn’t take it as a discouragement if he really is curious.
A couple of hours later I recieved his response. He read the post, then he said “Tell you what. If I do read it, I’ll warn you beforehand.” He also noted that he has been very busy lately (which I knew) so he won’t have a chance to read it very soon.
“Sounds reasonable,” I responded. I reminded him that I don’t expect him to pay for it – so if he does want to read it, let me know his mailing address at the time and I’d provide it for free.
“Deal,” he said.
So the world didn’t burn after all… a couple of sparks for a minute there, but nothing caught fire. I still feel a little awkward knowing he read what I wrote yesterday and wondering what he was thinking as he read it… but I also still have a small smile on my face as I think on his gracious response. I still have a small smile as I realize I was open with Dan and the world didn’t burn.