memories, relationships, Sven

When they say “Just start writing.”

I have a thick, square, red notebook that says “Lots of amazing fabulous great ideas in here” on the cover. I’m using it as my writing brainstorm notebook. All that is in it right now, besides possible topics for a next project, is a check list of some standout pleasant Wyatt memories from when I started writing a few for a short series on this blog. I still have a few left I haven’t written – but I’m not in the mood to think on him today.

I feel like perhaps I’ve over saturated my content here with three main people – Wyatt, David, and Dan… though some of my best writing is about them, I think… but not enough has been written necessarily of the other people sometimes mentioned here. I have done a fair bit more writing about Andre, Justin, and Jason at least in my book… and a little more on Viktor and Sven. I’d hate to write too much here now to give away too much of what I discuss in the book.

So what to write about? I’m not depressed at the moment…. So I don’t particularly want to write about depression again at this moment.

I could brainstorm some other BFF memories, or branch off to write more about other childhood memories or something. Perhaps other dating memories that weren’t included in my book. I don’t know. Sometimes it seems I have so many ideas in my head that it suddenly just goes blank. If I think on it too much, I’ll forget everything.

Sometimes all I need to do is just start writing and out drops a pearl. Out will drop a memory, an idea, or a paragraph; perfectly formed.

That’s what happened when I wrote about Sven last year. I just sat down with the intent to write about him; to chronicle the relationship. No real clear outline. In closing, I typed about a pregnancy scare with him. Fully formed couple of paragraphs… then I suddenly stopped typing and stared at the screen. Holy Shit, I thought. I had completely forgotten about that.

I sent Maja a message right after, giving her the file of what I had written about that day. She responded via Skype with “Oh, yeah, I remember that!”

She continued on recalling our conversations from the time about if I should accept his proposal of marriage. Did I want to be a single mum instead? Should I consider abortion or adoption? …I was not a believer in abortion simply as a birth control method.

“How did I forget about this?” I asked her.

“I dunno,” she said. “It was a pretty big deal at the time.”

The memory sharpened as I talked to Maja. I remembered not telling my parents. I remembered lying in the brush in a wooded area near my house, with Sven, discussing the issue. I remember him telling me then if I wasn’t sure about marrying him he would still take care of me and the potential child – and he would hope one day I would decide to marry him anyway.

I remembered the sweet relief when a week or so after that discussion, my cycle started again, and I realized I was so grateful to not have to seriously consider tying myself down to him for the rest of my life. Whether or not we married, if I had a kid with him, I would have felt tied to him and the small village of Billund forever.

I’m still amazed what can come out when one just sits down and starts to write.

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