Best Friends, Dane, depression, Leroy

Writing fiction, bionic hands, and disppointing my best friend :/

Leroy had his surgery on Wednesday to get metal plates put into his hand. Spent some time visiting him afterwards, and then got to actually meet his girlfriend. She seems nice and I can see why he likes her… I just hope he/they can work through their issues from now on and not let it blow up again.

I was also the one paged to come get him the next morning when he was discharged. They asked me to take him to the pharmacy since they were short a transit nurse that day. When we got down there, they said it would be an hour so we went to lunch and then we went back to my office for a bit… I got a cute video on my phone of him trying to tie his own shoe. I wish I could share it here – but as I am trying to hide his identity somewhat by changing his name, I suppose it wouldn’t be a good idea to post his likeness here. Just in case.

He did a pretty good job, considering he only had his thumb and the very tips of his fingers free on his right hand. He had his head down, focusing and taking his time.
“Ooh, Leroy’s got skills,” I said.

“I have magic fingers,” Leroy responded, not looking up.

I chuckled, “That’s grooosss, Leroy.”

“We’ll just edit that part out,” he said.

I laughed more heartily, “I don’t think I can.”

A moment later he was done, a good effort and a good job. He held both thumbs up to me as he sat up.

“That was hard… That was my Everest,” he said as he smiled.

Needless to say, I’m proud of that boy… and for more than just tying his own shoes.

On the other hand, I’m not so proud of myself in a particular area. As you all know by now, I announced that I was publicly identifying as agnostic a while back. I even announced it on my Facebook. There has been a bit of fallout, but I think my aggressive statement about people not preaching at me about it has kept it minimal. Even my dad hasn’t said anything yet.

The problem is… I haven’t told Dane. He rarely gets on Facebook, so I don’t think he saw that announcement. He also rarely checks my blog because he does his reading before bed and finds that if he reads real accounts of people – especially people he knows – will keep him awake because he can’t turn his brain off. If he could look at my stories as fiction, he could deal with it… but he can’t. I digress.

He doesn’t know yet. Last time I talked to him on the phone I tried to gather some courage to mention it to him, but then the rest of the conversation ended and he had to get going before I was brave enough to blurt it out.

I’m literally terrified to tell him.

He’s going to be so disappointed in me and I don’t know if I can bear that.

Maybe I should explain some backstory – Dane and I met at church. We both went to a very conservative Lutheran church. A member of the most conservative synod in the US (Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod.)

I was a member, and as my kids were born they were each baptized into the church. My husband, however; was not a member. This church was conservative enough that women had no congregational voting rights. The men are the head and all of that.

Problem was, my husband wasn’t even Lutheran, let alone a WELS Lutheran. So as Dane and I became best friends, he became basically what my husband should have been for me if he had been in the church – make sense? We’d sit together in congregational meetings. I could express my opinion to him and he would take it into account when voting; most of the time our opinions coincided – though the vote was always his in the end. He was always the one to ‘guide’ me spiritually as well, he was always the one to correct me if necessary.

My God, it all sounds so oppressive when I try to explain it, but it never really felt that way. It was just him caring for my spiritual well being. He never scoffed at my opinion and was always up for scholarly debate with me…

So I just know he is going to be so disappointed in me. Logically I know this won’t break our friendship again… But I am (possibly irrationally) terrified anyway.


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