If I didn’t know better

This Easter I started thinking about Tennessee and getting nostalgic; I think mostly because of the connection to my old church and this gave me the strongest feelings regarding this particular event on the religious calendar.

So what did I do? I started re-watching Nashville of course. My husband scoffs because the “accents don’t sound right.” But whatever; it still reminds me of home. Sometimes I still feel like Frederick. Maryland is home, because that was home base for most of my childhood. Sometimes I still think of Stockholm as home, because it always just felt like home. I just fit there and the ages in which I lived there held a huge impact on who I would become as a whole. But as I get older I feel more and more like Middle Tennessee is home. It’s the longest I’ve ever lived in one place. It has the only church I ever felt truly at home in. My favorite job was when I worked at Vanderbilt Hospitals in Nashville…. and though he is no longer there, Tennessee is where I met Dane. Tennessee is where we hung out together, Tennessee is where we cultivated the majority of our friendship.

So here I am watching Nashville episodes and so much reminds me of home. Reminds me of Dane. There’s a song in particular that “Deacon” and “Maddie” sing that remind me of Dane:

I don’t remember how I got here

When my rose colored glasses disappeared

Sometimes my fingers they can lose touch

Start letting go of everything I love

When I get the feeling that my prayers have hit the ceiling

And those are the days when my faith has lost all meaning

You keep me believing

Dane is probably the main reason, if not the only reason, that I haven’t gone full atheist. He’s the reason I still have one foot over the line, the reason I still haven’t let go entirely of the concept of God. Of course he tried to coax me all the way back to  Lutheranism when I gathered up the courage to lay my decision on him. I’ve mentioned before, I think, that when I was deep into our Lutheran church I always looked up to him for spiritual guidance. He hasn’t convinced me all the way back, but he also understands where I’m coming from… Deep down I care that he cares; and Easter time made me think of good church days, sitting in the pew next to him.

God, I miss him. I got a chance to speak to him for about 3 minutes a week or so ago. I planned to call him over Easter weekend, but, life… You know?

There is one other song from Nashville that also makes me think of the old days. This one is sung by “Scarlett” and “Gunnar” (side note: OMG Gunnar is so freaking cute! I love him – YUM.) Anyway, this particular song reminds me of my own internal conversations back in the day… In Middle Tennessee… With Dane.

 

Why do I keep drinking?

Wasting my time on you?

If I didn’t know better

But, damn it, I do

 

 

 

Believing:

If I didn’t know better:

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