My post about Dane yesterday reminded me of a conversation we had a few years ago. I think I may have mentioned it in my first book, but I’ve checked in my blog history and it doesn’t appear to have been mentioned here… So I figure I might as well tell you all about it.
The first time my husband met Dane, as Dane drove away, my husband said to me “That guy is in love with you.” In fact, several of my friends would make similar statements after meeting Dane just once. I believe as well that other mutual friends and his co-workers may have teased him a time or two… or more about his motivations for being friends with me.
It was enough to eventually motivate me to ask him if it was true. He denied it of course, even if he ever did have those feelings he wouldn’t have outed himself knowing I was married. He’s not that kind of guy. I told him it wouldn’t change my feelings if he did… But he denied it, and I chose to ignore everyone else and believe what he said to my face. Only he can truly know his own feelings, I told myself.
After everything with David, Dane was very angry and at the time I couldn’t understand exactly why. I thought maybe it partially had to do with it having been done in his house. Maybe he held me to a higher standard in that regard as opposed to David and I disappointed him greatly. He took issue with adulterers, I knew that, but I couldn’t lie to him. I wondered deep down if maybe he was angry that if I was going to be the adulterer; that I chose David… instead of him? I really had no idea where his rage was really coming from.
We didn’t speak for a couple of years after the big blow out, and then once we became friends again it took a further couple of years to actually circle back and talk about what had happened, air our frustrations and clear the air so that we could get back to BFF status.
It was so nerve wracking, I thought about bringing it up for months because I knew we’d have to face it if we were ever to truly trust each other again. I was a chicken shit and talked myself out of it repeatedly before finally contacting him and telling him I wanted to talk about it. “So talk,” he said.
So we talked. So we found out how each other felt in the moment. So I found that he hadn’t really known what was going on and could only see the one-sidedness of the situation.
So I told him the story. I told him everything he had missed in 2008 leading up to the fighting and the threats from David.
I told him that David asked me repeatedly that first night to sleep with him and how I pushed him off, telling him no or I’d think about it if he were sober and he asked again… David worked for it and he wore me down all night and I drank enough to finally give in.
“Dane,” I said. “I hope what I’m going to say next won’t screw us up for good – but it needs to come off of my chest as well… I didn’t want who I did it with…he worked hard that night to convince me. Sure, he was attractive and we got on well – that’s what he had in his favor… but before we even went out that evening he had asked me to have sex with him. I pushed off his advances for a while, telling him if he wanted to when he was completely sober, we’d discuss it then… Point is, he had to work hard for it. On the other hand, I feel at the time I had already fallen for you and all you would have had to do was ask. “
Then I clarified, so that he would know, that I don’t love him anymore.