I had a dream about David again the other night. It had been quite a long time since the last one.
It’s strange though how they make me feel now. I didn’t wake up in a cold sweat. I didn’t feel a crushing fear – even though the events in the dream ultimately saw me lose in a physical altercation with him. Say what you will, but at least that part would likely be accurate and a false sense of victory in my dreams wouldn’t make me feel better, I don’t think.
My dreams have become different, however; as I am now fighting back.
He pulls my hair from the back of my head, he grabs my wrists or my throat – but I do what I can to be defiant while kicking, scratching, and hitting back as the opportunity arises.
I lose. Ultimately I lose and he walks off with barely an injury.
But at least I wake up with the satisfaction that I didn’t break down in apologies and revert to old habits. I wake up with the feeling that maybe I can and will defend myself if the time ever comes.