It’s a shame.
It’s a shame that he never appeared to care as much as I did. It’s a shame that even with a decade and a half of maturing under our belts, we still can’t get passed old behaviors.
So I got older, so I took the chance and laid myself bare to him – for myself, really, but I let him see. I went out on an unsteady limb, it was not something I had ever let myself do before.
He read everything there was to read online. Who knows, perhaps he is still monitoring my activity to an extent. Perhaps he is still reading me like a book; like a private diary that paints him as a loss I felt for years; as a handful of regrets he hadn’t known he embodied.
We had a few conversations here and there, pleasant for the most part. Friendly, even.
But he’s fallen back to old habits. He’s turned into a ghost. I messaged three times since February… He saw, but didn’t answer.
I don’t know what changed since the last time we communicated around October. Perhaps it’s that nothing has changed. Perhaps we never changed.
That’s what we do. We don’t talk. We walk away and then one day it’s all okay again.
I can’t do that anymore. I can’t care anymore and I can’t balance out on a limb in hopes that That Boy will take notice of me once in awhile. I’m not a fucking teenager. My wall is being built back up in front of him again. I have to protect myself… My God, maybe I am that damn youth once again.
The third time was the charm that caused his deletion from my Facebook. Though it pained me to do, I doubt he even noticed….
And that’s a Goddamn Shame.