Rory and Jess / Rae and Dan

So there I was, re-watching Gilmore Girls for the umpteenth time. I’ve slowly made my way up through Season 3 over the past few weeks and last night culminated in Rory Graduating from Chilton.

Rory Gilmore graduated in 2003 – the year after I graduated Gymnasium. So essentially, Rory would be close to my age. Within a couple of years considering the age people usually graduate Gymnasium (19-20, I being 19) and the age her character was (18.)

This is the season that the main Jess storyline happened for Rory. Her bad boy; her cool, brooding, handsome boy. Her boy that made poor choices and didn’t treat her as well as he should have. Her boy that obviously cared for her on some level, but couldn’t bring himself to admit it or have an honest conversation about any of it with her. He left her without saying anything days before her graduation.

gilmore girls jess and rory

She had become “That Girl” she didn’t want to be; the girl that lets the boy treat her like crap, the girl that was in love with him anyway.

It was past midnight when I watched this last episode. I was tired; too tired to stop the thought trying to inch across my brain.

“You should reach out to Dan again.”

No,” I told myself.

“But you still care for him… You always have.”

“No. NO! Goddammit, Rae, go to bed… You know how this will end.”

A while ago – a couple months… several weeks… I’ve lost track now of exactly when… – I reached out to him as I tend to do a few times a year. Check in, see how he’s doing… have a conversation. He ignored my message, and I realized he had ignored my last one.

I’ve made it clear since Gymnasium how much I had always cared for him even when I acted like I didn’t. I opened myself up a lot about him in the last couple of years. We’ve had conversations here and there. He’s had a few rare moments of honesty with me.

But he ignored two of my messages that were a few months apart… the first of which was also months since the last conversation. I wrote another message a few days later. I told him of course he wasn’t obligated to talk to me, but that it makes me paranoid when he sees my messages but doesn’t respond. I never know if he’s just too busy and forgets or if he is shutting me out again.

He saw that message and didn’t respond.

It was much like Rory answering the last of many hang up calls from Jess. She told him how she felt. She expressed her upset at how he handled things and even let him know she thought she had been in love… and he stayed silent.

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I gave it a week, just to give him time… and then I knew. Something I’ve known all along really… I have never been as important to him as he had been to me. He’s never cared the same way I cared… Or if he has, he pushes that side of him down as much as he can. I knew then I needed to stop trying. I needed to stop being the one that usually reaches out first. I needed to stop trying to stay friends. I deleted him from my Facebook friends.

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It doesn’t affect me as much as when I was 17, 18, or 19. I don’t have to work as hard to push thoughts of him out of my head on a daily basis, but then I see the adorable brooding dark haired bad boys, like Jess, on television and it takes me back to The Courtyard. It takes me back to Stockholm; to Dan… and …Well… I can’t help but wonder how he is doing, and hoping he is well.

Fuck.

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