memories, relationships, Uncategorized, Wyatt

Equal parts puke and pride

January 2015, I looked Wyatt back up on facebook and sent him a private message with a letter attached. I decided that it was finally time to disagree with him.

Last we had spoken, he didn’t recall a bad break up. He said he still loved me. He didn’t appear to acknowledge any issue with our past relationship. I was too chicken shit at the time to disagree, though I knew there was little he could do living so far away.

January 2015, I decided it was time to stand up and say my piece. It wouldn’t change the past; and he may or may not have cared… But I needed to say it for me. I told him I didn’t want to engage in conversation before telling him:

“Wyatt, you abused me.”

So I wrote a letter and messaged it to him; feeling instantly nauseated after I hit send. I knew it would likely go to the “other” inbox, so I wasn’t sure if he’d even get it… But I felt brave for having sent it anyway.

I checked back a few times over the next month or three to see if he had seen it. Little waves of terror came each time I’d open messaging, but he didn’t seem to have seen it… So after awhile I figured if he hadn’t seen it yet, he might never see it… and left it at that for a good year at least.

Curiosity got the best of me yesterday and I decided to go back into my archives and look again.

He saw it.

FB tells me it was seen Jan 19… which is the exact date it also tells me I sent it in 2015… So either he saw it exactly a year later, or he got it the day I sent it and then marked it unread. (Side note: how annoying the “Seen” notification doesn’t include the year…)

I’m so glad he never did respond. He respected? the request not to engage in conversation…. I felt simultaneously puke-y at the idea of how he might of reacted when he saw it and proud that I had done it in the first place…. Like “Huah! That’s right, motherfucker… I said it.”

I Said It 🙂

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