A friend once told me that my mind must always be on… She’d read my blog once in awhile and it just amazed her at how much I have to say and how many blog posts I could churn out.
I don’t feel like they are all that many – of course I go through spurts – but still. There could be much more if my mind could hold onto the fleeting thoughts that cross my mind a million times a day. That would make for a good blog post, I’d think… but moments later it’s gone.
I suppose my mind is always on… There’s always something there to mull over for long past the need to think. Often long past my bedtime too.
So now he’s on my mind again. It’s no secret that most of my exes and I are friends or at minimum still in contact as friendly acquaintances… That’s the kind of person I am. I like to hold on to people I care for… even if the romanticism has left. I like staying friends where possible. I like to know they are well. And the fact remains that some of us just do better as friends.
Someone who read back through some of my blog recently asked me why I kept messaging Dan the other day. Fact is I haven’t tried to do so since I deleted him from my facebook a few months ago. But this conversation put him back at the forefront of my mind.
I haven’t felt the urge to message him again, thank god. However; I’m not above sitting and thinking about him and me and why we ultimately couldn’t be friends.
This should have ended when I was in the 1st floor bathrooms, crying and beating my fists on the floor. This should have ended a long long time ago and not dragged out over the years.
But then it would have stayed ended if he hadn’t have shown up my senior year and pushed his way back in front of me, wearing me down when I realized he wouldn’t leave until I acknowledged him.
Why did you have to do that, Dan? I would have otherwise wondered about you over the years, I’m sure… But the likelihood of us keeping a friendship in any form would have been slim.
Now it’s 14 years later and I feel like I’m on the losing end again. I feel like I always cared for him too much. I always knew it. That’s what makes it so hard. No matter how rejected I feel or have felt by him, I still fucking find myself caring when I think about him.
But I won’t message him. Who knows, maybe one day he’ll show up in my inbox and annoy me until I acknowledge him again; but I doubt it.
Dan cleaned up over the years. Back in the day he did drugs, we had our differences, our disagreements… However; tonight I reread my Dan chapters in my book and then I thought to myself I liked Dan better as a youth.
I wish I could have some of those days back, but as for the present: maybe I won’t miss being his friend so much anymore.