It’s been a rough few days. On one hand, I just don’t want to get out of bed, ever again. Screw it, it’s like that on both hands.
Sometimes I wonder about my choices that brought me here. Sometimes I wonder if I’m living the life I’m supposed to with the people I’m supposed to be with.
Logically, I know that if I hadn’t made these choices I would not be where I am and I’d be missing out on the really good aspects of my current life. But …
I’m not a good mother. I’m not a good wife… at least not in the scope of expectations I should apparently be fitting in. In 13 years I think I’ve only rarely gotten it right.
I’m a royal bitch when I get stuck in the house for too long or am the primary parent without a break for too long… But then I end up feeling guilty when I try to go do my own thing without children at my hip. I feel guilty even though I haven’t actually done anything worthy of guilt in several years…. even though for two full years I did absolutely nothing for myself in an attempt to prove I could be good. …Then it’s made clear to me I should be in an almost constant state of guilt and shame because of past sins.
Training helps a bit with this… when I get to punch it out… Or feel the pain such as when my BJJ partner lands on my ribs like last night… but then again, it’s me leaving the house…
I am just so violently sad right now.
But I’m going to kickboxing tonight… and I think for the first time in 16 years I am going to see about seeing a counsellor again.