This memory is fuzzy – as the title and featured image may suggest – but I don’t think that’s really the reason this memory sits far back in my mind… The details of which refuse to come forward fully.
I’ve had flashes of memory regarding this night a few times over the past few years, periodically I sit and try to recall exactly what happened, exactly who I was with, etc and it ultimately leaves me frustrated that for some reason, out of all of the things I can recall – this one doesn’t make the cut. All or Nuthin’ Baby, that’s what it should be!
I’ve decided to write down my fractured memory so I don’t forget what I have actually recalled… Maybe one day it’ll be clearer, though I doubt it.
One night, in Sweden. I made my way down town with some friends. I seem to remember Dan going with, or more likely meeting me at the location – but I’m not really sure that is not a figment of my imagination. I don’t recall him in the club itself. I seem to just recall him walking outside in the dimly lit street with me. Perhaps our ultimate destinations were not the same place, but we traveled some of the way together. Perhaps when we got there we both became preoccupied with other friends and activities that we did not remain near by each other… I think that is the most likely scenario…. But I must also remember that perhaps I am placing him there in my mind because I feel like he should have been there… Likely would have been there, or I am recalling two different nights in the same part of town… I don’t know…
I do recall being there with some of my IB friends. I do recall Anneke and possibly Helena on the train with me.
It was some kind of youth party; some kind of event… somewhat of a Rave… Though it wasn’t called that by anyone I knew. The memory; however, feels Rave-ish if that makes sense. Loud music, warehouse like surroundings, smoky interior and colorful/strobe lights.
I got my hands on a bottle of Absolut Kurant. I don’t think it was mine. I think it was one of the boys’ – Nolan’s perhaps? One of the boys from his crew anyway.
I took a few big swigs, thinking it tasted delicious. Vodka is my liquor of choice; and the Black Currant flavour was something in general I enjoyed back then.
The vodka rushed to my head within a few minutes and I remember dancing – twirling with my eyes closed. Opening them as I became a little dizzy, looking down at my feet – clad in Orange Old Skool Vans, with my dusty green corduroy skater pants draped over the laces.
I’m not positive why we left – I seem to remember lights coming on. I remember thinking how different the place looked in the light.
Afterwards I ended up on a bus with a couple of friends and a young blond guy that appeared like a skin head, though I have no further evidence he was… It was his clothing really that made me think of that.
I don’t know why – was he a friend of someone’s? Or did we simply meet him at the party or on the bus? I have a sneaking suspicion we just met him on the bus and thought he was nice… (My god, what was wrong with us??!) But a small group of us followed him to a house party somewhere out of the city proper. On the way, I remember having a conversation with him about anarchy – he educated me (and presumably my mates) about the “true meaning” of anarchy, and why he was a proponent of it. Every time I think of this bus ride, “Anarchy in The UK” starts playing in my head. I honestly can’t recall if it was the song that prompted the conversation – or if my mind is retroactively making that connection.
I’ve kept thinking it was his house we went to, but now I’m not sure that makes sense. There were other people there when we arrived. I think, though, it was one of his best mate’s houses or a relative’s house. But now that I think about it, he was staying there. That’s it… It was his good mate’s house he was crashing at.
Anyway, he was very familiar with the surroundings – gave us a tour before too many people showed up, and showed us where to stash our bags – the top of the front hall closet – so that anyone else that showed up wouldn’t be able to steal our phones or whatever.
That’s about where the memory ends. Stuffing my bag in the top of the closet. I had a vague sensation of not feeling like I fit in at that party – but let’s be honest, I felt like that a lot – and I don’t think we stayed for very long. It wasn’t because of the activities occurring or anything like that. I just recall feeling out of place, I remember him translating some bits of conversation to me that I hadn’t quite caught… and not feeling like I was attractive enough for these boys/men.
Presumably I left with Anneke and Helena and headed home, sometime in the wee hours of the morning…. and fuck was it cold.