I feel like I’m missing out on something. I’m missing out on an important piece of nostalgia… I’ve tried to remember a few times, but it doesn’t come to anything.
A few days ago as I was driving my car, I had one of my youth girls in the passenger seat and she put in one of my Taylor Swift CDs. She clutched her heart and said “It’s sooo true!” to some of the lyrics… and at one point one of the songs mentioned a “first kiss,” I said without thinking “You know, I don’t even remember my first kiss.”
She said “Really?” in disbelief.
“Really,” I said matter of factly. “I figure it must have been in 6th or 7th grade with one of my first four ‘boyfriends,’ but I’m not really sure. I just don’t remember.”
Granted she is a lot closer in age to when her first kiss was, so naturally it’d be easier for her to recall… But I feel like this is something I should have hung on to… Songs, books… blogs… have people all over the world reminiscing and idealizing their first kisses. Am I the only one who doesn’t remember?
I could pick one of those boys I’m sure and create a story with him at the centre, but it wouldn’t be the truth – and for all the nostalgia I relay about my life, I feel a fraud or something for not clinging to that memory. Ha, maybe it was traumatizing and I blocked it out – just kidding, those boys were cute, I wouldn’t have regretted it, Haha.
I bet I had hopes of having whichever boy kiss me, I’m sure I was elated when it finally happened…. and as time wore on those oh so important-at-the-time feelings faded away and my sights focused elsewhere.
Truth is, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter. Truth is I can’t even recall any of those four boys ever kissing me. When I look back now the boy from my class, the neighbor boy, the boy from my youth group, the pastor’s son… They all feel like “practice” boyfriends anyway.
At the time they were important to me. At the time it felt so real and grown up. At the time I really, really liked them… and hey, I’ll admit it. I lived up to the “boy crazy” title that was given to me.
But I was a child. They were children as well; we hadn’t even made it to our teens… Well, except with Pastor’s Son.
So my first kiss would have been a practice kiss. Really, all of our first kisses are practice kisses… Maybe that’s why I don’t remember it anymore. I remember more of the meat and potatoes kind of relationships. The ones you could dig into and come up feeling like you’ve really experienced something.
I remember Wyatt kissing me. I feel like that is one reason why I’ve always considered him my first real boyfriend. Events and length of the relationship not withstanding. The fact is, I easily recall kissing that boy on a regular basis.
Regardless of my seeming nonchalance regarding my lack of a “first kiss experience,” however; I do wish I had that memory. Maybe one day I’ll run into one of those boys and they’ll tell me – remind me – that they were my first kiss… Then I’ll have a story to tell, without having to make it up in my head or feeling like I’m missing something.