I lack motivation. For anything.
I am trying to enjoy my last bit of time here in Australia… because the chances of ending up here a third time are even more remote than the chance I’d end up here a second time.
It’s hard though… Because I’m stressed about the sudden move. My house seems to get increasingly chaotic the more I clean up and it’s driving me nuts. At least this is forcing me to do a good spring clean and get rid of stuff… My daughter is increasingly realizing the impact this move will have on her and her friendships… She sobbed on the way home one day last week. This morning she walked into school looking very dejected… and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I thought I’d have more time to enjoy my life here. More time to do all the “I do that eventually” things.. For the last three and a half years I kept meaning to go back to my old school – St Philips College – to have a look around. Be nostalgic, see what’s changed. Now I doubt I’ll get that chance in the coming days. I’ve missed all the annual open house days they hold for prospective students and parents… I could have slipped in then… or gone for one of their plays. …I kept meaning too…
I did finally go into Desert Wave in the Alice Springs Plaza and buy a Billabong wallet. In 1994 or 1995 I bought my very first wallet in the very same plaza. It was at Desert Wave – or whatever the surf shop was called at the time – and it was a blue Billabong corduroy trifold velcro wallet. I kept meaning to eventually get another one as similar as I could for nostalgia’s sake… but never got around to it. They only had one that was a trifold. Corduroy no longer a style option. A Billabong patch sewn on instead of an embroidered logo…. But I got it for nostalgia’s sake; my last chance to do such a thing. While I was in the plaza that day, the overhead music started playing “Turnaround”… a song I first heard here around 7th grade. I clearly remember that song playing at the 7th grade orientation social at St Philips College… So I must have been still in 6th grade actually…
I finally bought a couple small aboriginal paintings I liked… kept putting it off not wanting to spend the money just yet, but planning to eventually get something someday. Someday just came sooner than I planned. I do really like what I got… but would have been nice to be able to afford some of the bigger ones I had eyed, or have the chance to create a little bit more of a collection.
I wanted to catch up with some older friends I hadn’t gotten the chance to hang out with really. I wanted to take my kids out on the Ghan like I did when I was younger… I wanted to go back out to Ross River. …At least my kids got to do that with my husband last year… I wanted to put my son in Scouts here and give my daughter more time in Girl Guides… as well as have them join St John Cadets when they got older.
I secretly hoped that I’d be able to enrol my daughter in St Philips College herself, though I knew it wasn’t likely we’d stay quite that long…
I thought I’d at least have more time to catch up with all my friends one last or a couple last times before eventually moving away. I just don’t understand why my plans, especially major life plans, seem to always get derailed.
Man, I’m down in the dumps.