A Thousand Times More Disturbing

“That’s awful,” people often say to me.

I tend to shrug my shoulders. I hadn’t been looking for sympathy or anything by telling them one of my stories… or posting it online so that they comment digitally on the distressing aspects of a story.

I don’t tell these stories for sympathy. I’ve moved past a lot of my past. A lot of things that have happened were certainly full of drama, but… yet… in my memory don’t feel as though they were all that dreadful, unbearable, or even unique at the time.

Perhaps it’s the passage of time that makes me feel this way. Perhaps I have blocked some of the emotions I felt. While I recall being scared, sad, rejected – any number of negative emotions at any given moment in time – maybe I just don’t recall the intensity in which these emotions were felt in the moment.

Yet, still. It was life. There were and are people living through much worse than I ever did. I was lucky in a lot of ways. My abusers could have been worse, my sexual assaults could have been worse – an attempted rape, though traumatizing, is better than a successfully completed rape – the chlamydia I caught from Timmy could have been something incurable or even a pregnancy. The position I allowed myself in with him could have ended up a thousand times more disturbing.

I don’t feel sorry for myself because of any of the distasteful or unpleasant things that have happened in my life. Overall, I find myself lucky. Overall, it has created the person I am today.

I’m not perfect. I certainly have my problems… and some might consider my emotional states an issue. They’re probably right. I detach from sex a lot, and I detach a lot from the people closest to me. I hate myself when I let tears out in front of my husband – which has become an all too common occurrence these last few years. I tend not to prefer to be overly “lovey” or snuggly. I prefer my space in general. I only recently started to recognize some of my triggers that cause seemingly irrational anger or sadness. I have been prone to depressions.

But it could be worse.

It could always be worse.

I’ve let go of the majority of these experiences.

Overall, I like how I turned out. The problems I do have, in a way, make me feel like a stronger person. Overall, I must say I’m a pretty cool chick 😉 Haha…

So when I tell you stories that are unpalatable or painful, don’t feel sorry for me. While I know my feelings are valid in relation to these tales, etc etc… I’m not telling them for the compassion of strangers or to be shocking or anything like that… I’m telling them so that I can be a voice among millions. A voice that might reach out and find one person that needs to hear they are not alone.

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