Adventures in Dating, memories, nostalgia, relationships, Uncategorized

Resisting the Urge to Apologise

Yesterday morning I got a facebook memory notification that brought up a status in which Wyatt had commented when we were briefly in touch again 6 years ago.

Fuck, but I hate memory notifications sometimes. I let my curiosity get the best of me, and I tapped his name so his profile popped up. I was confused because the last time I looked his name was different on facebook. Last time was when I sent him a message telling him how I really remembered the relationship. The last time I looked, I told him he was abusive.

Turns out he has two Facebook accounts. Though now the names match again. I wonder why…. My gut instinct would be the cheating thing. We all know he was prone to that…

Whats really bothering me is this though: I scrolled through his older account and came across some images that reminded me of his old self (in general he is not as attractive to me as a grown up than he had been as a teen…) – pictures of him playing his bass guitar and one in particular that showed off his gentle looking eyes…. “looking” being the operative word.

Why would this even bother me, you ask? Because for some reason I suddenly felt guilty for having sent that message a couple years ago calling him abusive. Suddenly I felt bad for possibly having hurt his feelings. It’s crap. I know.

I’m currently resisting the urge to reach out and apologise even though I am fully aware I have nothing to apologise for.

What in hell is wrong with me?

10 thoughts on “Resisting the Urge to Apologise”

  1. Keep resisting! You did nothing wrong. Even if he HAS changed, it does not make what he did to you in any way okay. You had every right to call him out. I am proud of you. You may be keeping someone else from taking his abuse.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s what I hope… he got married and has a step daughter now so I always hoped that maybe my words would have clicked and made him recognise his own behaviours… I don’t know that he’s changed anyway. When he told me he was with his then girlfriend, now wife, he told me he was still in love with me… so at least his cheating ways weren’t changed. I’m just struggling right now with what feels like an innate need to apologise to him and make him feel better even though we haven’t been together for nearly 20 years.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. He is the one who hurt you. My first husband was very abusive to me. He got remarried and has been married for over 20 years. I don’t know, but I have never felt the need to apologize to him. My mom died shortly after we broke up, and he called me one day and said that he had a dream about my mom. He said that it scared him. I said I was glad and I hoped that she haunts him. Still don’t feel bad about saying that. Try and remember that your guilt is normal. Keep reaching out, if that helps. You are not alone. I am proud of you.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I know it’s not my fault – logically. I know he was at fault and he was the one to instill the need for apologising in me… I was with him for two years as a teen so he had the time to mould me that way. I was super proud of myself for calling him out, so I’m trying to hold on to that feeling right now so I can continue to resist the urge to contact him and beg forgiveness again. I know I can do this, it’s just messing with my head at the moment

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I have absolutely been there. All certain of my resolve that I was right in removing someone from my life and then a happy looking picture or a good memory hit and suddenly it all feels like a mistake. Stay strong!

    Liked by 1 person

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