I am off to start my move to Wisconsin in the morning… it’ll take a few days to get there so I’ll have no real time for blogging for a little bit… so I’m throwing this one up quickly while I have a chance.
I’ve had a few discussions with friends lately about my sex life etc and I thought I’d share some thoughts surrounding those conversations… just because… hey, why not? Right?
I know some of my views would be pretty controversial – especially if discovered by anyone still in the evangelical culture. I was telling someone just today about how shamed I was for my “promiscuity” as a teen and thought I had gotten over it until a year or two ago when I was shamed again for the title of my book. Literally shamed over “That Boy Gave Me Cooties,” without even asking what it was about. Ha, that friend responded so cleverly that it was just like the religious to literally judge a book by it’s cover… I hadn’t thought of it that way before!
I was hurt all over again… it still stings if I’m honest… but I didn’t come here to talk about that…
Though I do wonder if my views on sex/my sex life would have been markedly different had I not been shamed over and over by the church.
Anyway, I have since realised that I clearly have a very different attitude to sex and relationships than most people I know. While the idea of monogamy is a nice ideal, I’ve come to believe that it’s not as natural as we all attempt to make it. Sometimes I think I would be better suited to a polyamorous relationship, for instance, and I am positive just about all of my friends and family would be horrified. And of course my husband would not be down for any such arrangement… so… I stay monogamous.
This has also brought upon discussions about the varying degrees of “cheating,” what constitutes cheating, and how different people’s views on such are.
For instance, I know several men who would get ripped a new one if their girlfriend or wife caught them looking at or being overly friendly to another female…. let alone anything else that might be considered worse.
On the other hand, I could give a rat’s ass that my husband might want to look at other women or even peruse porn. If I caught him doing such he would not “be in trouble” like other men I know.
He told me once, years ago, that he would expect I would have crushes on other men -it’s only natural- as he too would have crushes on other women… the key in his mind was to bring the sexual energy home to each other.
It took me a long time to wrap my head around it, as I have been with a couple very jealous men before… I honestly did not trust him. I did not trust him not to get angry if I admitted the crush I had at the time.
I have now since realised I do have my crushes, he has continued to have his… I’ve relaxed and realised if he were to get angry then it would be a double standard and it would be something that I could refuse to accept.
Since that realisation I have also started to believe that my natural flirtatious behaviour is not so shameful. I’ve also come to believe that in the strain of that thought process, if flirting, crushes, getting off on porn is all okay… then having someone – a friend, a crush, whatever – to talk dirty with or sext with would also not be considered “cheating” if you again bring the raised libido you acquire back to your partner.
My little sister was clearly shocked I would say such a thing over Christmas… LOL
The main debate in my head then, is what constitutes cheating then? The physicality of it all is what would be unacceptable in a monogamous relationship – at least to most people.
Again, I waver on this. I suppose it really depends on the couple and how committed they are to only sleeping with each other the rest of their lives or at least the length of their relationship.
I honestly believe in this point in my life I would be cool with a more open situation. I know hubby would never go with it… but in my mind cheating vs no cheating comes down to respect. Respect me enough to tell me that you need a change of pace for a little bit. Respect me enough to tell me prior to sleeping with someone else. Respect me enough to take special care not to bring STDs home… Respect me enough to not hold me to a different standard.
Then I wouldn’t consider it cheating.
Why do we hold so dear to what seems so unnatural as to cling to these strict relationship constructs?
But, again, I seem to be in the minority in this opinion. Those I’ve come across that seem to think along the same lines as me often are affected by these constructs because so many more possible partners want to lock down in completely monogamous relationships and deny all of our natural impulses.
Monogamy itself is not the issue in my mind… fine, only sleep with your partner… but why not give in to some basic natural instincts if it then releases some tension and brings the libido back to your monogamous bed?
What do you guys think? Anyone out there even remotely agree??