I am starting this post with a bit of trepidation, honestly. I’m so tired now, after 33 years, of making goals or plans only to have them derailed. I’m so tired of my life being out of my direct control. I’m so tired of of making the wrong decisions – decisions that seem right at the time, but end up being the worst option in hindsight.
But I suppose if I don’t continue trying to trudge forward as well as make and hold onto goals then I might just drive myself crazy. Might just fall into a depression with a feeling of nothing left to try to live for, honestly.
So here I am. In a different hemisphere and attempting to compose a new list for the upcoming spring and summer. I need to give myself that much time for some of these things that will likely not physically/financially be able to be accomplished in just one season. I will also, naturally have this last bit of winter tacked on to it…
The majority of these are new goals I’ve set for myself after the further set back of having to uproot and move again when I was not prepared – properly ruining goals I had set for myself, not only in the last bucket list post – but so many other things I had been working towards the past few years.
- Find a new, good job. For most of my married life I’ve held shit paying jobs. In Australia I padded my resume and had scored a couple good positions. My last one being the best job I had ever worked thus far. Both the pay was really good as well as the atmosphere – coworkers were amazing and it was just plain a good job.Great for my resume etc. I am so fearful I’ll now start taking huge steps back now that I am in the US again. I was in HR in Australia – something that is nigh on impossible to get into here with out a specific degree… and I wasn’t in the position long enough, in my opinion, to demonstrate on my resume that I have the experience to counteract the degree.
- Figure out what the fuck I want to do with my life. I had a goal of becoming an RN and eventually gaining my Masters in possibly Midwifery – but a Masters nonetheless. I did really enjoy working Critical Care… sooo… I just have had so many setbacks on even my initial RN that I am questioning if it’s actually meant to be at this point. I do have other interests I’ve let roll around in my head – perhaps something else health related: Health Business, EMT then Paramedic, Respiratory Therapist… I dunno. I also really enjoyed Medical Microbiology in Uni. Granted, I had an amazing inspiring professor… But it was enough to make me consider doing it. Then again, I am still fascinated with linguistics. Who the fuck even knows anymore. I might as well choose by luck of the draw. Wouldn’t matter at this point.
- Once I figure out what to do with my life (will also be based on what is even offered at the local university…) Go the Fuck Back to School again and get the fucking new degree as fast as I possibly can. I got two degrees in 2012 – a general AA and an AS in Science (focus on Biology)both graduated with honours so I know I can do it… but I’ve been needing a fucking BS or some such degree for over a decade. Life and fucking moving and fucking out of state tuition etc etc has derailed me and/or delayed this goal for so long. I honestly kind of wish I had just fucking finished before getting married and leaving home… at least that first degree… UGH. I am just so frustrated and disheartened by this whole process. So many hindsight bad choices.
- To circle back to my unfinished goals from the last list: Finish my rewrite and get it on the market. On that note I will also add: Finish my Zarah story and see what I can do about publishing it as well. Start and possibly finish (first draft anyway) my idea for an erotic novel (I intend to hopefully break the mold of silly pretentious erotica, really I want a good story with just a lot of sex LOL we’ll see if it works out. Maja thinks I write / describe sex so much better than standard erotica… hope she’s right!)
- Lose 12 – 20 Kg
- Hopefully find a new, awesome Jiu Jitsu gym and get back to training. MMA or Kickboxing as well… and to give myself some leeway… an Awesome martial arts gym if nothing else (I have to see what’s available here). I also discovered that kickboxing bags are actually not that expensive in the sports store in town. They are good brands too… so I’d like to get one of those for home when we have more money coming back in… regardless… point is: start training again and hopefully find my MMA tribe.
- Find a tribe in general… I need to find one or two really good local friends. If it takes as long as it usually seems to take to find real, close, friends then I fear I will spiral in my loneliness again…
- Eventually start those guitar lessons I’ve been wanting since I was a youth? No freaking Gino around though…
- Rebuild my personal savings. I’m uncomfortable right now not having my own money set aside for the event that I may need to take care of myself someday… Another reason why I need a freaking degree. I don’t know that I could stand on my own two feet right now if I had to. I suppose I’d be able to survive… but… I hate feeling this dependent…
- Get back onto learning Estonian. Get better at Norwegian and Danish as well… and continue practicing my Swedish… but Estonian is something I’m not even proficient in yet. I started it in 2015 and haven’t gotten very far with it this past year.
Wish me luck… I’m going to need it.