The Grand Scheme of Things

In a few weeks I turn 34. Logically I know that is not all that old…. But maybe it’s Karma because I called Justin “old” when he turned 34 yesterday – same as Dane when he turned 34 in October. But now… Siiiiggghhh… I’m starting to feel old myself. Really, it’s not so much a feeling of being old, but rather more of a sudden realization that these 34 years have passed rather quickly it seems and if the next 34 goes just as quickly then I suddenly will be old! 68! Ah! All that much closer to my 80s or 90s! Is this what a midlife crisis feels like? I’m not quite at “midlife” yet am I? AM I???!!!

No, seriously though I’m not actually freaking out THAT much… It’s just an unsettling thought process I’ve had so far. Especially after having done so much reminiscing this last week with all the journals and pictures pulled out of storage.

Looking back at how young and thin I was… Looking back at how much potential I had. Looking back and realizing how misguided I was in thinking I was chubby at times or not as attractive as the other girls that surrounded me. I have since had a couple men tell me that in looking at my old pictures, that I was an attractive teenager and I would have been a girl they would have pursued had they known me at that time. Flattering, yes… and now I have more of the capacity to actually trust their words.


I wish I hadn’t been so self doubting back then. I wish I was able to actually believe that certain guys actually cared for me… Actually loved me as they said… or actually found me beautiful. While I clearly had a handful of romantic conquests, I distrusted their intentions for the most part. I distrusted that their flattery was genuine – I assumed I was perhaps a passing fancy or something to keep them occupied until another better option came along.

Perhaps, I was wrong. Perhaps, my self-esteem was that damaged that I was deluded in the perception of myself. I suppose most teenage girls struggle with similar issues. Hey, I only just learned in recent years that Maja struggled with similar self-doubts – and my perception of her was of a ridiculously gorgeous girl that had many many boys to choose from. {That’s why you didn’t need Ludde, Maja! Shoulda kicked that asswipe to the curb a lot sooner! πŸ˜‰ }

I also wish I maybe made some different life choices along the way… Slept with more men… I’ve mentioned that before… hmmm… Finished college earlier… Gotten that tattoo… Traveled back to/lived in Europe again – particularly Scandinavia… Gotten more fit/strong… maintained my weight/lost it and kept it off …etc etc etc…

So now I will soon be starting the next 34 years of my life. Looks like I have a lot to accomplish, and perhaps not that long in which to accomplish it. Not that long in the grand scheme of things… Not that long if I let the years slip through my fingers again.

I don’t want to suddenly be 68 or 80 or whatever and realize that I never did what I intended to do nor felt the way I perhaps should have about myself. I don’t want to wake up one day and feel like my life had been lived in vain.

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15 Comments

  1. Hey we’re the same age for a few months!
    I had my midlife crisis at 26. The what happened! This is my life! I’ve done nothing! thoughts pop up. Best you can do is get out there and do something new. It does wonders. ☺
    Anyway happy early birthday, don’t do anything I would do. But if you do, blog it!!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I have very rare and brief moments of realisation that I’m not “young” anymore, but most of the time I really don’t think much of it because the path that lies behind me simply can’t be changed. I can do something about the path before me though. That’s up to me and I plan on taking the correct paths to eventual euphoria from here. There’ll be bumps in the road, but how is that different to any other road I could take? There’s also this to consider…young people nowadays; meaning late teens/early twenties young; really suck in general. They’re all bandwagon jumpers and sheeple who seem addicted to trends. they have to fit into some kind of niche to get by in life. They’re in a generation where appearance and aesthetics are THE most important things in the world. There has never been a worse time to be a young adult in my opinion. I actually feel very lucky to have been born in 1984 because I got to miss all of this superficial bullshit. I’m of a generation where it’s still considered okay to be individual and not follow the crowds. The only ones judging me for it are people I literally couldn’t give a fuck about. No, getting older isn’t bothering me too much. It’s making more grateful that I’m not young today

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    • It is true there are a lot of things about the youth culture of today that make me glad I was born in ’83… (OMG you are almost an old man too… πŸ˜³πŸ˜‚) but I also wonder if we are looking in as crotchety adults with the attitude of “Gosh darn kids of today!!” And perhaps we’d love our existence if we had been born in, like, 2000. That being said… with my ’80s baby mindset… I can’t imagine dealing with boys of today. The dating scene seems so… foreign and unnatural these days… the trends so odd at times… and memes… omg with all the memes!

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      • No, I genuinely feel the youth of today are a horrible bunch in the main. We’re only between ten and fifteen years removed from them and they’re so different to the way I was. Cocky, smarmy, egocentric, selfish and arrogant. They talk and act like they rule the world. They think they have the right to be offended by everything, but cast dispersion on whatever they like. I generalise of course. No doubt there are some really great young adults out there, but on a whole, they’re absolutely repugnant and abhorrent. Their upbringing may have something to do with it as there’s a definite culture of parents buying their kid’s affection that’s crept in the last 20 years which has empowered them, but then they all rub off on each other too to become the self-absorbed and materialistic little wankers the majority of them are. I was a young adult just before all this shit really kicked off and I’m delighted I became too old for it just in time. And please don’t talk about memes. I’ll be happy if I never see another again!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Lol I apologise for triggering you over memes… trigger warnings though… omg those bug me too (talk about being offended over everything) …the thing is though I do agree with you about the youth culture in general- yet some of this has translated to people our age too, which is a shame. Like huge subsets of our generation just rolled with the times and have become self important pricks who scream about being offended at every turn or feel they must educate everyone to their possibly warped sense of what is right. The feeling that they have a right to attack and tear down people that don’t agree with or epitomise their beliefs on any given subject…

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah, I find trigger warnings cringeworthy. Nobody should be in a position to have to place a trigger warning for the benefit of the delicate little flowers of this world.
        I have a massive bee in my bonnet about people our age and older who dumb themselves down to act and dress like the younger generation. What sort of 30-40 odd year old allows people in their early twenties to be their role model? Talk about a lack of self respect. We’re the ones they should be learning from! As for those who feel their opinions are more valid than those of others and claim offence when somebody doesn’t agree…well, I think you know exactly what kind of expletives I could produce to describe those fuckers!

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      • While I feel for people with PTSD who might could use trigger warnings – at the same time so many people that don’t have PTSD seem to demand them nowadays and it just aggravates me that people think it’s their right to otherwise censor what others write or whatever. If it’s not something you want to read or deal with then walk away from it, find something happier or more suited to your needs and then be a grown up and get the fuck over it! PTSD survivors I admit sometimes have it so severe that they legitimately cannot deal and certain instances I feel like maybe a warning should be issued or whatever if it’s otherwise disturbing and sudden so that one can’t possibly expect the content to come in front of them. Though I often see signs/PSAs about fireworks affecting veterans … I feel for them and I hate fireworks myself, but at the same time 4th of July etc should have them expecting it, steeling themselves against it, and possibly going somewhere away from the worst of it …I don’t believe in quelling everyone else’s fun because one person in the neighbourhood can’t deal. I also entirely agree with you about the lack of self respect some of these dumbed down adults have! And I can imagine your expletives and I am nodding along πŸ˜‚ this is why I have to separate myself from sanctimonious mommy bloggers etc etc

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