depression, Uncategorized

Lonely Hearts Club

I spoke to Klutzy today and discussed how difficult it is to find really good friends – people you really connect with – when you are like us and tend to move around every few years.

It really sucks and it tends to be that we’ll find someone to be close with only within the last year of being at a location – or regardless a couple of years in. A couple of years of overall being lonely…

Fact is, I met Klutzy in Australia. We are both American women within the same age group …and we met early on… But we didn’t really become friends until that standard time frame. Less than a year before we both left the country …She having left just a handful of months before I did. (And of course there was the whole sad situation that I also met T4mk4t and connected with her a mere two months before I left… Siiiggghhhh.) One other really good friend came about simply because she was a friend of my mother and when she moved to my town I was instructed to take care of her, lol – luckily we really hit it off from the start… She didn’t come until I had been there 2 years already though. Transient living sucks sometimes… but at the same time it’s all I know. Even when I was in TN for a longer period (7 years) many of my good friends there were transient.

Anyway, basically what happened as far as Klutzy and myself was that we became Facebook friends fairly early after having met… and eventually I won her over with my online wit. Ha! No but seriously, it took awhile but one day through Facebook we realised how many things we had in common and it snowballed from there.

I realised that I tend to do that… I meet someone through a friend or at a party and if I like them then I request them on Facebook. Sometimes it works out like with Klutzy – eventually connecting us on a deeper level… and sometimes it comes to nothing more than staying friendly acquaintances that run into each other periodically in the same social circles.

Regardless, I am so much better at expressing myself through the written word. Especially when I would otherwise be nervous or what have you. I still write letters or emails to my husband when I have something I find difficult to talk to him directly about.

My husband says he’s jealous of my ability to make friends easily… My ability to be sociable. The thing he doesn’t get though is that I am actually a very reserved person. I don’t trust my ability to charm people in environments that I don’t know. I struggle to open up to anyone or make the first step. Once I am settled somewhere and surrounded by friendly people/people I know; once I’m comfortable in my surroundings I am a lot more outgoing. I like to take the newbies under my wing, I am very friendly and open up a lot easier. That’s the reason T4mk4t and I connected so quickly – she was a newbie – so the conversation flowed a lot easier on my end, which in turn brought out all of our similarities.

I’m rambling now. I know… It’s just… It sucks. Klutzy and I are once again in the same country, but we are on opposite sides of the country. Older close friends here in the US are also far away – Erica is actually much closer to Klutzy, Dane is 6 hours away, so he is actually the closest of any old friends to me… yet no so close that I could just see whenever….

On top of all that I feel like I am slipping away from Dane regardless… or maybe he is slipping away from me. Maybe this is an irrational thought process brought on by being lonely again. Maybe it’s just that we have been too used to a sizeable time difference and not communicating on the regular like we used to before I moved to Australia.

I have yet to find that I have much of a chance to meet anyone anyway. I went to one kid’s birthday party my daughter was invited to – there were a couple mums there – I made some small talk, but otherwise … … … I was uncomfortable and couldn’t bring myself to pull out of my reserved nature.

I’m sure soon enough I will start to meet some friendly enough people that I can be sociable with – but fact is I’m not only nervous that I won’t find anyone to get close with… I’m nervous that I will get comfortable in a group of people only to have them turn on me when they get to know the real me. Like many of the church ladies did in Australia.

I had a realisation whilst talking to Klutzy today as well that I think that’s why I ended up giving so many of my Cooties paperbacks away after that. It was as though I figured that if someone read it and liked it then they would like me. How fucking pitiful does that sound? Basically it would serve to let them see who I really was and I’d find out sooner rather than later if they would be judgemental and I wouldn’t let myself get in too deep in a friendship that would otherwise serve to hurt me later.

Another possible problem I’m concerned about is that where I am at currently could have us being here for a handful of years, at the same time we are only guaranteed to stay for a year. What if we leave after a year and I’ve found no real friends and then I have to start all over again? I’m also hesitant to start school again like I want to if it’ll just get interrupted AGAIN. Then again, who knows… if it was an opportunity to get back to Europe or something I suppose I wouldn’t be too heart broken over all… it’s just… an awfully long time to fell lonely like this, you know?

I’ve just gotto say though, thank god for modern technology. If I lived in a time before email, smart phones, Facebook, WhatsApp… WordPress… etc etc I’d have no way to adequately keep up with my current close friends. Though they can’t be near me and actually hang out, though we can’t see each other whenever we want… we can’t be together physically…  at least we can still message, I can still pour my heart out in a voice note… Or, ha, a blog post… we can still talk most days if we like.


Okay, well that was long and depressing. Apologies. So I’ll end it here on a happier note and tell you all that I made the consult appointment for my tattoo! Finally, I’ve been wanting one for half my life now… I started wanting one at 17 and I am about to be 34. In fact, the consult appointment is for my birthday – February 7th. I’ve also decided to expand the design a bit from my original thought and I am very happy with what I’ve decided on. So… Yay! I’ll obviously update you all with the progress and the finished product.

Anyway, I’m gonna leave this here now… Love ya, babes… MUAH 😉


8 thoughts on “Lonely Hearts Club”

  1. Your life in terms of friendships is pretty much the antithesis of mine. Most of my best mates have been friends since my teens. One I’ve been friends with since nursery! I’ve got some serious longevity where friends are concerned. That is one of the perks of staying pretty much in the same place all your life. I’d probably struggle in your position. Or maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe it’d suit me. I don’t know

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have a handful of long term friends – like Maja, Svea, Dane etc etc the only thing is seeing them through Skype or FaceTime is a far different experience than seeing them any given day of the week… going out with them, hanging around at each other’s houses etc. sometimes I wish I had a stable one place to live … but also at the same time I appreciate the experience moving around has given me… since childhood… I actually do start getting bored with any given place or situation /job after a certain amount of years because of this though


  2. Having moved my whole life (and of course being the infamous Klutzy you’re always talking about, haha) I both love and hate the moving thing. I love moving to get away from the creepy ass people that I end up meeting when I first arrive to a place and haven’t learned of said creepiness until after it blows up in my face, and hating it for having to say ‘see ya later’ to the really fucking cool people (like you!). At least technology makes the separations easier, but it still makes it fucking hard to duck out for a coffee or lunch date.

    Liked by 1 person

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