The thing is, for many years, I built up my walls and buried emotions deep down… I’d remain calm and like a duck out of water, I’d let a whole lot of stuff roll off my back. Eventually my suppressed emotions would bubble over until I breathed fire if and when certain people stepped over the line one too many times.
This has, in all honesty, only happened a handful or two of times in the past decade or 20 years at most… It doesn’t happen often. But when I do… Hooo Boy, the shock and awe can be awfully satisfying haha.
I am relatively certain I have told you all before that I hate, loathe, actively avoid, crying in front of the men in my life. This has caused me to be called an “unfeeling bitch” in times past, and be accused of crying for benefit the couple of times I couldn’t get away before tears came…
The past three years I have slowly started to change. As I slowly worked through some of my shit, some of my reasons for my walls, those walls started to crumble slowly but surely.
These walls never stopped the depression, rather they added to it. Seems that emotional walls and depression go hand in hand. Lack of feelings and suppression of feelings, almost one and the same.
So the walls started to crumble slowly, I sobbed on a church floor after starting to come to terms with my abusive relationship with Wyatt, I released a lot of feels about David on the jiu jitsu mats and through MMA training, I poured my heart out in my writing. It’s been a slow slow process. The past six months have been a lot faster in the grand scheme of things, however.
I agreed with my husband that I would be completely open with him; rather that we both would be with each other. We started to make it a priority to have regular alone/talking time, start over getting to know each other again, connect again… etc. I tried to continue to guard myself, only letting out partial information for awhile. Actually, I tried hard but often it was a knee jerk, possibly subconscious reaction, to still keep a few things to myself. I’ve also been going on and off to a Depression group. As these past six months have progressed, there’s been a wrecking ball hit my walls multiple times. I became wide open and now…
Now I started to realize that my tolerance has lessened, I am a lot more likely to let tears flow in front of Jason. At first, it was terrifying. At first I told him the truth – that I felt like running away and it was really, really hard to stay there next to him while I cried. Now, months later, it comes a lot easier and I don’t think about turning away anymore… and I find that my emotions are a lot more delicate now.
No, no… I’m not a delicate flower now. Just last week I had someone tell me I am a calming person. I still put up with shit from that one job for over four months (Though, yes my tolerance was waaay lower – I’ve let more roll off my back for triple or even quadruple the amount of time before exploding.) I can still handle death much better than a lot of people I know – at least as far as patients go.
Yet, when the tears sting, threatening to fall, I’ve found it’s a lot harder to keep them off of my lashes or away from my cheeks. It’s harder now to keep things suppressed. On the other hand, topics such as Wyatt and David don’t cause as strong feelings in me anymore and my irritability and aggravated outbursts at home have lessened exponentially.
I feel like I’ve graduated to rambling as it’s getting late and I am tired… Point is: I’ve caught the feels. Sometimes I’m glad, sometimes I’m not sure how I feel about it… Overall I think I’ve made huge strides forward personally and in my relationship and I’m glad. I’m sure the feels will calm down eventually.