Is there anything new to say? No, I don’t really think so. The stories are all in the past; they aren’t currently happening. No fresh material to be had.
I can’t say I’m sorry about that. There’s a sense of relief, actually, when I think about that.
Though it’s all in the past, it is still with me. There’s the periodic nightmares. There’s the internal reactions ingrained in my psyche. There’s the hesitant curiosity of wanting to check their social media every few months – knowing I should keep them completely out of my mind, but having a hard time from having them creep up into my conscious thought once in awhile.
The thing that bothers me about all this is not only that it’s hard to break the aftereffects of the abusive relationships, but mainly that I feel hard to justify hanging on so long. Wyatt was emotionally abusive, sexually and socially controlling, and delivered the occasional bruises. David instilled a fear in me. A full force whirlwind of terrifying clusterfuck – that was David. There were instances of emotionally abusive behavior and questionable sexual behavior. All around, though, just unstable crazy.
But, but… the friend I wrote about earlier this month who had her head slammed into a dashboard… The friend I have who grew up with an abusive father who ended up murdering her mother, or the friend who lived with her batshit crazy emotionally abusive aunt, or the friend whose ex-husband choked her out and threatened her with a knife… Hell, even David’s ex-wife. God knows what it was like for her to actually live with the crazy. I don’t know her personally, but we have mutual friends and I do know that she left him because of his abusive nature… so… I can imagine. I feel like all these women had it so much worse than me. I wonder how some of them function on even a semi-normal level… I’m sure there’s scars they deal with privately. The fact remains though, that it seems an unproportioned response to have nightmares and the reactions I have 20 and 9 years later, respectively.
They say that you shouldn’t compare your abuse experiences, abuse is abuse no matter how much or how little. Building up the courage and using my stories to raise awareness and speak out for those still suppressing memories or who are fearful about talking about their own experiences. Still… sometimes I feel like an imposter writing about dating and domestic assault on a blog like mine.