Best Friends, Dane, depression, relationships, Uncategorized

Until then… Bye Dane.

I let a friendship go today. Not just any friendship, a best-friendship. Something I’ve been mulling over for a while now, and while I was sitting in church this morning; likely listening to a very similar sermon to what he’d be listening to, I knew I just needed to rip the bandage off and get it over with.

He told me several months ago to give up on him; that he wasn’t a good enough friend for me anymore. I should have known his advice was sound even in the midst of his own struggles. I didn’t want to give up though. We’d been through too much, he and I. Too many years invested – more than a decade. I’m not the kind to give up on my friends, especially when it’s clear they need a friend/some support.

But somewhere along the line things started to crumble. Was it when I left the church? …I came back though. Was it something I said or did along the way? I don’t recall anything that seemed amiss before. He wouldn’t have hesitated to tell me if something I said or did bothered him, I don’t think.

I had thought it would all become easier, not only coming back to the same timezone… but having moved to the mid-west, we are a lot closer to each other than we had been in years. Yet, with only a six hour drive… three if we met half-way… I’ve been here nearly a year and we haven’t seen each other. He deflected talk about that when I brought it up in the spring.

Like I said, though, he’s been dealing with his own struggles… his own issues… and slowly pushing me away.

I feel like a douche on one hand, because I’m giving up when earlier this year I told him I refused to. On the other, I have my own mental health to consider. I have to deal with the hurt I feel when he seems to be ignoring me and the resignation I feel to the knowledge he may not even respond. Then, if he does respond, there’s a consistent reservation in his words. He holds back, leaving an emptiness in the conversation. If I know him at all, he’s probably trying to attempt pushing me away for my own good. Then again, it feels like maybe I don’t really know him anymore.

I texted him as church ended, telling him I can’t do this anymore. I told him I couldn’t let myself hang out to dry waiting for him – no matter how much I wished to be there for him when I know deep down he needs it. I can no longer be the one person making an effort anymore. I can’t continue feeling like this in what was supposed to be a relationship with a best friend.

I wished him well and made sure to tell him if he decides one day in the future he wants to rebuild/restart the friendship, I won’t reject him. I hope one day he’ll decide he doesn’t want to push me away anymore.

I got a one-word response.

“Understandable.”

At least he responded this time I guess. Yet, it’s clear he has no will to fix things between us. That makes me sad… Eleven years wasted it seems. It’s a damn shame.

My hopes are not high, but we’ve bounced back from worse before… so who knows. Maybe some time down the line it’ll all fall back into place again.

Until then…

Bye Dane.

8 thoughts on “Until then… Bye Dane.”

  1. I think that this is a brave thing to do and even more to share. As someone liivng with a chronic illness, thinking about relationships that drag you down for whatever reason is often out there in the chronic world! I have included your post on my regular feature Monday Magic – Inspiring Blogs for You! Claire (PainPalsBlog)

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh my goodness, this was like reading my own story. I know exactly what you’re going through. So hard to do, but in the end it was the right decision for us. We had a long break, almost a year, and now we are back to friends, but the relationship is different, much less expectation and stress, and we don’t see each other anymore. So much better. I think sometimes people just need space and time to figure things out and decide what they want and where they’re going. Sometimes that means letting go and finding your own path first. The responses and reactions you mention sound so familiar to me.I know how hard this is after so many years when you feel like you’ve invested so much into the relationship, often one-sided too, but it’s not wasted… there was purpose and meaning to it. That might only become clearer later. I’m sending you a huge hug.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, I am hoping all we need is a break and that one day it will just fall into place again. It probably will be different, many years ago we had a huge fight and went our separate ways for a couple years… when we decided to give our friendship another try it was different, and in some ways better and more mature. It’s sad that it’s gone this way… But I’m hoping he just needs his time to deal with himself and will eventually come back around again.

      Like

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