Get ready for a ramble fest y’all.
Last night hubs said something that made me think… I have been blaming Wyatt for instilling a lot of negative relationship behaviours in me… and to an extent I think that’s still true, but perhaps I’ve been bred to be … How did he put it? … I can’t remember exactly… basically, though, I was brought up in what I have increasingly become aware was an abnormal childhood that affected my propensity for falling in with abusive men.
No, it was not the moving around from place to place etc… Those were privileges I had that most people didn’t, but that’s not what made it abnormal per se.
My sister came to visit recently and my husband learned a lot more about my childhood than he had bargained for. He started learning about it all around a year ago when we spent time actually staying with my mom around Christmas …Even I was startled at the atmosphere after having been out of it for 13 years. While my sister was here, he learned about a lot more of our backstories. Stuff I had mentioned here and there before, but he hadn’t grasped the full picture; the details had escaped him. He made comment that several of these childhood memories weren’t “normal,” we laughed and told him it was our normal, our truth.
I grew up in a narcissistic environment, a passive-aggressive narcissistic environment. …and the view from the outside as it’s been pointed out to me, is that I was brought up to cater to narcissism. I grew up learning to keep the peace and to make others happy.
Hubs said something about David and Wyatt both clearly having similar personalities. Both abusers, both narcissists. …And when I started dating Wyatt, I found nothing abnormal within my relationship. That’s what made it so easy to suppress the unpleasantness and essentially lie to myself about what that relationship was all about for 16 years.
So while there are certain male-specific-triggered behaviours, and even abusive situation behaviour (such as how I acted with David – returning to my 14 year old mindset… apologizing though I had done nothing wrong…) that I most definitely took on subconsciously while dating Wyatt, there is a whole lot more to the shit-storm that is my personality. There’s a whole lot more to my idiosyncrasies.
See? I told ya. Ramble fest. Crazy run-on sentence-y ramble fest. If/when I decide to explore some of these idiosyncrasies some more, I’ll try to babble less… LOL