You know that feeling… The one where your emotion – for lack of a better word – is stuck smack dab in the middle of your chest? It’s unclear exactly what that emotion is; though it’s persistent and hard not to notice.
It’s not like the random bruise or bleeding you find on yourself while wondering how you didn’t notice you’d done yourself an injury. It’s a loud feeling, becoming an almost suffocating feeling once you start focusing on it… With a bit of distraction it will simmer down to a manageable extent. You might be able to cause yourself to forget it for a few hours. It’s still there though, bubbling just under the surface.
You wonder how you started feeling this way, and what exactly it is that is causing it. You focus and think it may be anxiety, it may be a sadness that is threatening to send tears up your throat so they can fall from your eyes. You think maybe it is a form of anger, or a mixture of all three.
You focus too hard and it starts to feel like nausea. You think No, that’s not tears… it’s vomit that wants to come up. So you close your eyes and try to focus your mind elsewhere.
You turn on the TV to distract yourself, it works for awhile, but then something happens in the show… Something that reminds you vaguely of something past; or a character walks on screen and they give you a sense of remembrance. Maybe he reminds you of an awful ex. There’s something you can’t quite put your finger on, but it still causes that unknown emotion to try to burst through your chest again.
You think about writing about it. You think maybe writing will calm you down or at least help you work through the feeling to figure it out – but the thought of picking up your computer and focusing on it again makes you… yes, want to throw up. Besides, you don’t have the words crafted in your brain yet. Not even a sentence to start with. So you put it off for a few weeks.
No? That doesn’t sound like you? Must be just me then.
**Post Script: For the most part I think I’m having some form of anxiety lately. Partially probably exacerbated by the shit with my mom and the looming psych appointment. But I’ve noticed a lot of times I really feel this feeling the strongest is because of vague reminders of my middle school days at the one private school and/or Wyatt, which all occurred around the same time. For some reason it’s just affecting me a lot more lately than it usually would.