anxiety, Best Friends, Dane, David, depression, relationships, support, Uncategorized

Being Disposable

I’ve discovered something definitive about my friendship with Dane this week. Well, ex-friendship at this point. I have become disposable to him. I’m not sure when exactly it happened, sometime over the last two years since I moved back to the USA.

Up until that point… the last time I had talked to him while I was still overseas, he was the one that said “We need to stick together, you and me, Emma.”

I had tried to keep that in mind even as he seemed to be pulling away. He claimed, and still does claim, mental health issues as for the reason he’s been distant. There was enough hope in the back of my mind, however, that he’d pull out of it eventually and that he’d want to remain “best” friends in the long run. I had this hope because of the odd few times he’d answer the phone and sound happy to hear from me, or would respond to text messages. He never said anything up until a few days ago that made me think that deep down he didn’t care about me anymore for whatever reason.

Well, now I’m positive.

I tried pulling away awhile ago to save my own mental health with the situation, but was coaxed back with the idea that it’s mental health, it’s post-military issues, etc that’s causing the change in him – not that it had anything specifically to do with me.

I stated many times over to him that I cared about him and if he needed to talk to someone I was around, that I still considered him a BFF even though we had fallen out of regular communication. Even after he became friends with David again on facebook.

Well, now he has unfriended me on facebook. Supposedly because I post things he finds annoying sometimes (these particular things were posted on only three occurrences the past two months, so ummm… okay. I post a LOT of stuff on facebook each day, unlike him. The ratio of these types of posts to literally everything else is miniscule.) Apparently it never occurred to him to just unfollow me on his newsfeed.

When he responded the reason I was like… dude… yeah, I unfriend people that post stuff I don’t like sometimes – but it’s never someone I care about or I have family ties or whatever with. It’s always mild acquaintances, coworkers… things like that. You don’t just unfriend someone you supposedly care about. You don’t just do that to a “BFF.”

That’s when he said he hates people and finds any reason he can to “dispose” of them.

So he disposed of me, but kept David.

History with David you would think would be enough of a reason to dispose of him if you’re really looking to get rid of everyone in your life, dude. But no. Keep the psycho abusive dude who hurt more than one of your friends and then get rid of someone who literally only ever cared about you. That sounds smart.

He claimed depression. Depression I’m sympathetic to, I really am… obviously I know what it feels like. I’ve been being sympathetic to him this whole time. But ya know, he knew I have depression and PTSD issues and all of that as well. Perhaps we could have helped each other, had he ever cared to.

He’s made it clear to me that I am now considered disposable to him. Maybe it is just the depression talking, but you know what? That is fucking hurtful and just plain mean. I hope he gets medicated and gets the help he needs, and for his sake only I hope it still doesn’t bother him that if he gets better and decides he should have kept the friendship with me and I don’t want anything to do with him anymore.

It took years, literal years, to not only rebuild the friendship but reach a level of being BFFs again after the falling out surrounding the David issues. This time, I’m not going to try.

I was very, very hurt the other night after this discussion with him… It’s a horrible feeling to realize you are disposable to someone, especially someone you care about. It makes you feel shitty about yourself. I know in the past I’ve even cried wondering what the hell is wrong with me that these kinds of people would treat me this way. It makes your question your worth and question what you might have done or not done to warrant this treatment.

But the next day I woke up and had a revelation.

Dane does not matter.

I’ve waited around too long trying to be his friend, and putting too much energy into caring about him. He doesn’t care about me, that’s fine. I’m not going to let it bother me anymore. Clearly we never were BFFs as we called ourselves. It’s not possible to be  when the friendship is one sided.

I honestly feel a load off letting him go. I really do. It hasn’t been bugging me at all. I texted him back that morning and straight up told him I’m done and that I am not even angry at him… But with all the history as stated above, even if he does get his shit together later and change his mind… well, I might be cool with “being friends.” But I will never put forth any effort to becoming best friends with him again. I will not ever be able to think of him that way ever again. I’m done.

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5 thoughts on “Being Disposable”

  1. I’m not sure how I’d feel if someone I cared about referrers to me as being disposable. Some people have made me feel that way, or I’ve felt that way because of something that happened, but I don’t recall someone saying or intimating that I’m disposable. With my self confidence issues, I imagine it’d do bad things to me.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, I can sympathise. People can be shitty, whether friends, family, or strangers. His befriending your abuser again and then cutting you out because he ‘doesn’t like your Facebook posts’… nah! Off you fuck pal!

        Liked by 1 person

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