anxiety, David, depression, relationships, Uncategorized, Wyatt

At What Level is it Normal?

I have a follow up with my psychiatrist in a few days.

She wants to check on how my meds are doing now that I am entering the annual timeframe that the worst of my PTSD usually takes effect.

So what am I going to tell her?

I keep thinking about it… do I still feel as good as I did a couple months ago? Am I nearly as affected as I usually am?

It’s hard to determine what is a normal level of emotions sometimes – after so many years of having the wrong levels and thinking they were normal – does that even make sense?

I was supposed to see her a couple weeks ago but I had the emergency department visit and an open root canal that had to be dealt with so I rescheduled for Monday. I hope she doesn’t think I was blowing off the checkup. At least it gave me a little extra time to evaluate myself.

So let me tell you what has been going on, in this regard.

If you are not a long time follower of mine, you may not know the reason for the majority of my PTSD. There is some related to my first boyfriend, Wyatt, when I was 13-15. But the main PTSD issues are related to David, 11 years ago. You can read much more about that in archived posts.

The past couple of months I have received 2 or 3 Facebook “friend suggestions” for David. The last one being yesterday.

It makes me wonder if he’s receiving them of me as well – and what thought(s) might cross his mind if he does. It makes me wonder if he puts any thought at all or even truly realize who I am. I have wondered in the past if he has forgotten me though I can’t get him out of my head. I feel like he probably has. I feel like that’s the kind of person he is, intentionally or not.

I saw an article about him online last month as well. He was getting some kind accolades from his university… and it stated that he has recently been promoted to Major.

Ugh.

Is it wrong of me to wish he wasn’t doing so well? Is it wrong of me to hope he’s not doing as well as the internet makes him appear to be?

So regardless of how I’ve been feeling, he has been pushed into the forefront of my mind a few times lately.

I’ve had a few PTSD-like nightmares, but they haven’t seemed as intense or as long. They are easily dismissed, so that’s definitely an improvement.

One thing that got me thinking this last week though – I started using a mouth guard because of my teeth grinding at night. The first several days were awesome. It really seems to work… But the past several nights I have become aware of when I’m actually grinding my teeth. I find myself biting down and almost chewing on the guard and it wakes me up when I do that. I suppose that’s better than waking my husband up with the sound of my teeth grinding… Something I was previously unaware I did until he told me; now I am fully aware of myself doing it. I can’t recall any dreams that are going along with it though.

Overall, I am still happier and less anxious than I used to be. The medicine also has been helping me have less test anxiety at school, so that’s good.

The only thing is that I’m just not sure at what level it is normal or expected for me to get these pangs of sadness, fear, etc this time of year or when David shows up on my computer screen. What is to be expected regarding these dreams I still have occasionally?

I suppose I will find out on Monday.

 

 

 

6 thoughts on “At What Level is it Normal?”

  1. It’s not wrong of you to think this way, in my opinion. I felt that way after I left my ex, John. I blocked him on Facebook for a long time, and then at one point I got really curious and unblocked him. Facebook has the 24 hour rule for unblocking, but I forged ahead. It was the worst decision ever. He never friend requested me or anything, but I got a good look at his profile, and so many memories came flooding back. I felt paralyzed for those 24 hours – I was counting the minutes until I could block him again! Occasionally, he pops up as “someone I may know” on LinkedIn, and I just smash the little x in the top right-hand corner without a second thought.

    I hope you have a good visit with your psychiatrist on Monday! Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ll be interested to see how it all went as I’m assuming there’ll be a follow-up post. The likelihood of David not affecting you if he still pops up in places is notoriously slim in light of what happened. I’d say wishing ill on him is pretty much to be expected as well. Why would you not? You’re only going to feel one of two things: apathy or antipathy. The fact he still impacts you justifies the latter in my mind.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m sorry to hear that the internet seems to be conspiring to test you; if his life is anything like most other people’s, though, it’s way crappier than it looks online! I hope your follow up goes well. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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