Honestly, I don’t know if I have anything interesting to spew at the moment. I just felt like getting back to the root of my blog/writing career for a minute – I felt like writing without a purpose to see what would emerge. I hope to clarify my inner self, to figure out why I feel as I do right now. …And barring that, hopefully word vomit something interesting that my followers would like at the very least. LOL
You know when you feel like you are going to burst into tears and there’s this slow burn in your chest – a feeling that hovers around your pulmonary artery? That’s my fancy nurse speak for saying midway between your heart and lungs, ha. So there’s this slow burn… that rises into your throat when you breathe… but the rest of the burst into tears symptoms aren’t there. You don’t actually want to cry, you don’t think.
Your eyes aren’t stinging, your mind seems calm for the most part, but that burn… it feels like it would if you were to try to choke back tears. Like it would be the feeling you’d have to fight to suppress if it decided to go into attack mode. But for now, it’s an enemy that you have an understanding with. You parlayed long ago, and they are keeping a safe distance and yet at the same time are close enough to keep an eye on you – and vice versa.
That’s what I’ve been feeling like that past few days. I’m fine. I’m not especially happy, but I’m not especially unhappy either. I’m in this stasis mode. I know my anxiety is getting the better of me here and there. I recognize my reactions usually when they come out of anxiousness.
In mental health class we learned about the importance of environment in calming anxiety… I think there is something to that. I’ve been so busy that my house is not easily kept up with and it’s a struggle to get my family to help, or at the very fucking least not continually make the messes bigger and bigger. I feel anxious when I come home to a messy house. I feel especially anxious when I know I need to deal with it and either don’t have time or energy and no one is adequately helping – it’s one thing for me to clean my messes on my own; but this is a four person household.
I feel anxious and have had some intrusive thoughts about David after the last few episodes of Stranger Things as I explained in my last post. I feel anxious also because thinking about David makes my mind wander periodically to Dane. It’s been nearly a year since Dane and I stopped speaking for good. Thinking about that bothers me; but I don’t even know if there is a level of anxiety with that or if it’s just low boiled rage and hurt mixed together in a small pot far down in my stomach… towards the back. (How’s that for a nurse-y explanation?)
I’ve had some intrusive thoughts about Wyatt as well, but those are pushed more easily away. Or rather, once they are pushed away, don’t come back as easily or quickly.
I feel like I’m losing touch with certain other good friends. Not completely losing touch, but there’s something missing and we just aren’t hanging out as much and to be honest I think I’m being paranoid about it. We’re all so busy… so suck it up, Emma, and stop projecting on to them.
I heard some friends talk about their middle school kids and issues going on with them and their classmates… I’d hate to say it, but I think that added to this feeling as I started to think about my kids reaching middle school. Because, you know, I was in middle school when I started dating high school guy Wyatt. I’m worried for my kids. I’m worried they’ll have adverse events such as I had with their romantic relationships. I also fear that people in general will treat them poorly.
What if my daughter meets a Wyatt or a David? Uuuuugggghhhh.
What if my son meets a girl that takes advantage of him?
What if either of my kids fall into a bad crowd and do stupid shit – and not just normal teenage stupid shit – but stupid dangerous shit… You know where my mind is going with all that I’m sure.
What if it’s not remotely normal that I feel this way and my meds aren’t doing what they should?
No, I think they are. Even if this is just a PTSD/Anxiety/Depression episode, it is soooooooo much more mild than it ever has been in the past.
Now, if you’ll excuse me… I’ll go take my Paxil and Prazosin and hope David stays out of my dreams.