I had a post pop up yesterday in my Facebook memories from years ago… A post that one of Dane’s exes had written to me, after she had moved on and married someone else that is.
It was a generic catch-up conversation, in which she noted she hadn’t really spoken to Dane in awhile – besides the birthday greeting she had sent him the month prior. To be honest I had forgotten Dane’s birthday at the end of October. That feels strange to say, because even when we had the previous falling out back in 2008 and didn’t speak for two years, I hadn’t forgotten.
It’s been just over a year at this point in this separation, 3 days in fact until we reach 13 months according to my initial post about it all… 13 months and I forgot his birthday. Didn’t even have the impulse to send him a brief birthday message, to try to extend my hand in friendship again, as I always do.
I must say I’m proud of myself on that front. However, seeing “The Brazilian’s” (as he would have called her) post brought thoughts of him back to the forefront of my mind.
It’s unfortunate, really. It’s unfortunate that I’m wondering how he is doing. Unfortunate that I, even for a moment, considered trying to breach the cold war by again being the one to break silence and reach out to him. To consider the risk of being ignored or the risk that he will respond with kindness, only to raise hopes for awhile and then eventually circle back to slashing “Us” to pieces again.
It’s unfortunate, and in truth quite childish, that I occasionally wonder – nay HOPE– that he will one day break the silence himself. That I will suddenly hear the personalized notification tone or ring tone that still is set on my phone, out of the blue when I least expect it. That he will realize he was the one to fuck it up again and he will regret it – and drop his goddamned pride for once and reach out to me.
I spoke too hastily. He has dropped his pride a handful of times, perhaps, in the 13 years we have known eachother. …But even so, it has been only after bridges have started to mend – and not because he initiated the mending.
I can’t claim I’m perfect, or never at fault for arguments we’ve had, but these two worst ones, boy. These that cause the major rifts in our status as confidants are him and him alone… Hell, major rift in friendship alone. HE pushes me away, and I don’t know why.
I don’t know why, but I do know it’s not healthy for my mental state to deliberate on the why for very long.
For now I’m annoyed enough again that I have no worry that I will give in to the impulse to message him… Well, very little worry. I also have little worry that I will find out, in a timely manner, about should something bad happen to him… causing me to want to drop everything and run to his side, such as when he was in the ICU at the tail end of our last dispute (2010.)
Again, it’s unfortunate and frankly irritating that I know deep down, I’d still care about him and would readily forgive him if he asked it of me.