My anxiety is rising.
I was in a good mood earlier today, and I plan on feeling okay tomorrow…
The thing is that as the holiday season starts, I am catching ripples of anxiety – like waves of salt hitting my face, suddenly so that I don’t have time to close my mouth. I sputter as I involuntarily swallow, causing a burning sensation to run down my throat and into my chest.
Apprehension raises the hairs on my arms, expectation like a weight just behind my sternum. It’s building with each wave. Each wave wanes and the anxiety washes away again, but once the water hits the shore again the level of salt left behind increases.
I’m feeling on edge, I’m easily irritated. I’m easily saddened – then if I focus on and recognize it as sadness, it turns into a palpable feeling of anxiousness.
The reminder of Dane, well, it triggered a PTSD dream – he’s often present in those dreams, not always… but I closely associate him with David still. Usually, but not always, he plays a minor part in the dreams. This time, he was more active in the Dream and it was David that was more in the background.
What does it even mean that he’s usually there – that even as a minor character, I feel the overwhelming sensation of betrayal when I wake? I suppose because back in the day, I felt betrayed by him. Regardless of his later apologies and realization of… Well, everything. I suppose I still feel betrayed after he chose to get back in contact with David and break contact with me.
Another thing that has hit me like a ton of bricks – I read another article about “worst gifts ever” this year and some of them actually made me tear up. Particularly some stories where spitefulness affected children.It reminded me of the overwhelming feeling that I /my feelings meant nothing at certain points in my life. Particularly reminded of my mother and the ever growing issues I’ve been having with her.
I realized today that I think the MAJORITY of my current anxiousness has to do with dealing with my mother in any given way as the holidays loom. Just responding to her text messages these days fill me with all sorts of negative feelings.
Then, once I start feeling the sense of being a nothing-of-consequence to people that should have more regard for me than that – people that one would hope would love you… I start thinking back to other relationships that have crashed and burned… or even fizzled out in a way that made it clear to me that they no longer, or never did care, about me as much as I cared about them.
It’s a personality flaw of mine, I think… That in most (not all) cases in which I truely cared about someone – I can’t stop caring like they do. Even if I get angry and make a point to move on too – and not speak with them for years. I’ll still circle back and wonder how they are from time to time. I’ll still care if I hear something about them worth caring about.
When I start feeling this way, it makes me feel dejected. What is so wrong with me that people I cared for could dismiss me so easily? How can they drop me from their life so fully? Of course Dane fits in this category. As does one of my best friends from Gymnasium… we never fought, after high school we’d catch up periodically… but she seemed less and less interested and eventually stopped responding to my emails. I thought I meant more to her. I mean… living in different countries I don’t expect to talk all of the time. But I don’t think staying in touch and catching up every few months or, hell, every few years would be too much to ask. I mean, Maja and Svea are still BFFs of mine since the same time frame – Svea even longer – and still we are BFFs though we don’t talk everyday. I know I’ve felt bad about myself thinking on some of the past boyfriends too – only certain ones. But still.
Just small changes in a friendship can send me down the negative thoughts path. I know it’s usually nothing particularly wrong or even nothing to do with me – but I’ll start overthinking it nonetheless. I start overanalyzing trying to figure out what I may have done to cause that friend to not like me as much anymore or grow tired of me.
All this worrying about if there is something wrong with me, all this sadness over feelings of loss, and annoyance that I cared too much about them… Well, it makes me fear that one day Jason may turn away from me. Whenever we argue, or whenever he’s preoccupied or not feeling well or something – whenever I can’t read him – my anxiety spikes for this very reason.