I am aware.
I am aware of the fact that my actions and reactions in relationships can be categorized as bad, just as bad.
Perhaps even worse.
Considering I’ve had such actions used against me. Relationships that changed my entire view of how relationships work and how to, shall we say… survive them.
Emotional manipulations, it seems to be for the most part. The thing is, I’m also emotionally manipulating myself. I can’t seem to stop the inherent forgetfulness and compartmentalization. I can’t stop the boxing up certain memories, and it’s even harder to open those boxes back up after they’ve been excessively duct taped and chained closed.
Defense mechanisms due to trauma, that in the end cause more trauma… and not just towards myself.
At least I can say I am aware. At least I can say I admit when I’ve done wrong… and maybe one day I’ll be able to unpack all the boxes, and make it right.