depression, mother, Posts With Off Site Links, weight loss

You Got Any Grapes? Waddle Waddle

I’ve reached a new low… well, rather, high. My weight is at the highest it’s ever been and it made itself all the more apparent as a problem while I was on vacation the past couple of weeks. Forget that it wasn’t as easy to find souvenir T-shirts in my size… At least they still carried them. Albeit as the largest size they’d carry.

Instead, the issues I had were more along the lines of “this ride may not be safe for you to ride because you’re so fat.”

Ok, ok, they didn’t actually say the too fat part. They did ask me if I could suck it in anymore so the bar would be able to click into place though. It was so much more difficult to travel in planes than it used to be, similar issues with seatbelts – I’m literally at the last length before a seatbelt extender would be needed. Let alone the discomfort I’ve had much of my life in planes due to my height, it was compounded this time by my width. Ugh.

I was already feeling terrible about myself when a comment was made about how I was “waddling” while trying to keep up with my family.

Waddling? WADDLING?!

OMG.

I had flashbacks of my mother doing the same thing. She was significantly larger than I am now when I was a kid. She was over 300 or 350 lbs …I haven’t gotten nearly that big yet. She was also significantly shorter than me, so at least my weight is more evenly spaced for my frame than hers was. However. One of my biggest fears as a kid is that I would end up like my mother…. and my grandmother who had a similar build and weight at that time.

I waddled.

My fear has come to fruition.

Motherfucker.

Three years ago I wrote about When I thought I was Fat , which was a follow up to a guest post I had done on another blog a couple of years prior to that called Seed of Embarrassment. I suggest you go back to read those if you want background on how I’m feeling and viewing myself right now. I don’t feel like going back into it all again right now.

I am so depressed about this situation. I have been trying to manage my weight over the past several years and any little traction I make is ruined after a short time. I saw a nutritionist a couple months ago and all that happened was that I gained 7 lbs. My husband has had much more luck with his nutritionist and doctor so I am trying to get in to see them. Honestly, I would totally be on board for considering surgery at this point.

One thing that was actually working for me was phentermine which my PCP had me try – but she refused to prescribe it for more than 2 months at a time. Even though I had no adverse effects from it, it was just her personal policy. The thing with that med was that it not only gave me energy that counteracted my chronic fatigue, it also lessened my appetite enough that I was naturally exercising more and eating less. It was a slow loss of weight, but it was steady and working.

My husband has been on it long term from his dietitian and it along with his diet plan have been working wonders for him. Ugh.

I have been wondering recently too if I had undiagnosed ADHD and perhaps that is why the phentermine made me feel so much better. So much less fatigued and more focused… So much so that I didn’t feel the need for caffeine and sugar like I usually do to function (which then of course adversely affects my weight.)

Honestly ADHD would make so much sense for a lot of things in my life the more I look into it. Depression and anxiety often go along with ADHD and… my kid has all three diagnoses. There’s a good chance I have the third diagnosis as well. My kid’s therapist said that it’s ok for them to have coffee because with ADHD sometimes they just need caffeine to function better.

I have scheduled an appointment with my psychiatrist to see what she thinks. I’m also trying to get in with the husband’s diet doctor and dietitian so wish me luck with that too.

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