Dissociation and Flippancy

I just picked up Amy Schumer’s book “The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo.”

I came across it yesterday at our local Kmart, I reached out and picked it up without a second thought. Not even considering the price as I would usually do.

That’s because I’ve long considered her my spirit animal – a much less fictional spirit animal than Sansa Stark… To lessen confusion, however; I may need to relabel one of them as my patronus instead.

Clearly, I am a geek.

Though, obviously, Amy’s life and experiences greatly differ from my own… I feel a connection to her and relate whole heartedly to much of her story.

Like me, she has only ever had one one-night stand. Unlike me, however; hers sounds much more enjoyable… The men’s muscular stature being about the only other resemblance.

Her chapter on being an introvert speaks to me on a spiritual level. I wish I could have had this book earlier in my life to point out certain passages and say “Look! This is normal! I’m not the only one!”

Talking about a partner’s family noting how regularly she went off by herself and how she tends to utilise the “Irish goodbye” – basically just disappearing from a group suddenly…. Me, me, me.

But so far, what really got me is when I came across this passage last night:

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The experience that led us there is different. No one’s respective sexual learning happens the same way… But the end result of dissociation is,again, me. The flippancy is me.

My first coping mechanism, how I dealt with being too young and immature for the sexual relationship I found myself in was being flippant about my promiscuity. Acting like I must be cool and experienced to be doing such things with an older dude.

Shame tried to push its way in, and I pushed harder back at it. Deciding I wouldn’t allow myself to feel ashamed. I decided I would be “empowered ” instead… But the result was less empowerment and more dissociation. It took awhile to even recognise this in myself.

What I saw as my ability to choose and be free of religious constraints was really me having more of a “what the hell, might as well” kind of attitude.

In all honesty, unlike Amy who guarded herself against what she suspected men wanted from her, I was less guarded… More worn down by my experiences… And would have willingly slept with many, many more men.

All that being said, I am really enjoying Amy’s book so far. I highly recommend it. It’s well written, poignant, and obviously still humorous.

Now, if you’ll excuse me… I have a book to read.

The dude wasn’t friends with Females

In real life, when I tell my stories, I am never sure if I should use people’s real names… as is natural… or their pseudonyms from the blog/books. I’m not always sure who has really followed the stories as a whole and would get confused by the use of real names or who haven’t read about certain people at all and I have no need to make that connection for them.

Most often I start with the fake name, if I know someone has read my stuff… and then feel the need to explain and switch over to make it easier on myself. In fact, when writing the last post, I almost published it with Dane’s real name out of habit… That wouldn’t have been good.

This evening a friend of mine asked me if Dane was [his real name] and I said yes. Then she said “So he was around when David happened? …What is David’s real name?” So I explained the true identity and how I came to the reasoning that David’s name was to be David (which I unfortunately I can’t explain here with out clearly outlining his name.)  Then we got into the discussion that outlined the issues I have pertaining to this…

In the moment I realized I fucked up and have probably already confused some people I know because I explained that in one post I wished I had slept with Jimmy back in the day and then on my personal FB I shared a one night stand regret list that I found funny and tagged some friends telling them I don’t regret Jimmy as much anymore after reading that.

Two different guys. One’s real name is Jimmy… the other is a fake name. My friend was confused too so I had to explain that too… The only reason I changed real Jimmy’s name is because in the first book I felt like I was supposed to change everyone’s name regardless. Jimmy was a one-line character. No need to have done it… and further when I wrote the story out I said “fuck it” and named his friends with their real names…. But since his was already different… Confused yet? Yeah.

Real Jimmy is the fucker that gave me Chlamydia… The muscular dude that fell asleep on top of me. The one that Patrik arranged me for. The highlight of my young life. That… That right there was sarcasm, FYI.

Fake Jimmy can be explained well enough if you search him on this blog 😛

Ha, I actually came on here to write further about Dane and that ended up being a longer explanation than I planned… so to circle back… My friend asked me about Dane and if he was the dude I talk about in real life by said omitted name.

I thought about him some more on my way home and I had a memory pop into my head. It’s been a long time since we decided we were to be BFFs.. Years ago… late 2006… we were hanging out – I don’t remember exactly what we were doing – when he said to me that it was strange, us hanging out so much. I asked why, because it felt natural to me. He said it was strange because he wasn’t “friends with females” …The last word dripping with disdain.

Dane can be a real cocky bastard sometimes. He can be chauvinistic and somewhat misogynistic – though he has gotten much better than the old days… (Why do I always get drawn to the cocky guys?? LOL)

I must have given him a look when he emphasized “females” that way – though I don’t know that he noticed. He then went on to explain that he actually had fun with me and he felt comfortable with me.

I don’t recall who said it – but the conclusion from the conversation was we were obviously “OMG Best Friends FOREVVVEEERRR.” (Come to think of it that was probably me 😉  LOL ) and from then on we’d say that to each other (haha usually it was him as I recall) at some point every time we’d get together… and it just stuck.

Who knew that BFF boy and I would stick together this long? I mean… The dude wasn’t friends with females after all…

Damn, Son…

Jimmy posted a picture of himself and his daughter on FB – they were dressed up for some formal occasion and my first thought was “Well, Jimmy cleans up nice…” I commented that he had a gorgeous date, because he did. And I wondered to myself if I missed out on something not acting on my crush impulses when I was 16.

Nah, I don’t think I could trade what I have now… But sometimes I feel like I missed out on experiences I would have loved to have had… even if they didn’t end well. Ha, actually if I ever did get somewhere with Jimmy at 16 – Justin probably wouldn’t be talking to me even now. Probably for the best 😉

Even so… Even so… I wish I had been more impulsive or more forthright sometimes when it came to a lot of the boys I liked. Maybe that would have worked in my favor, maybe not… I have a feeling that Jimmy would not have necessarily gone for me. He might also have been dating someone else at the time too… though I’m not sure and I guess that doesn’t always matter in the grand scheme of things…

I’ve also alluded before that I regret not sleeping with Dan – though that was not necessarily my choice. If opportunity arose I would totally have hit that, lol… But even now, I have just deleted him from my FB; essentially deleting him from my life… and it’s still a regret. So I’ve had to step away from him again, that doesn’t change the fact that I regret not getting further and having those shared experiences.

I wish I got further with Pär and I have a feeling we would have if it hadn’t have been for the crazy girlfriend and his crushing fear of leaving her. His fear that she would injure herself or me; perhaps his fear of the unknown.

I wish I had the opportunity to naturally chat up that other guy I school I’d see in the courtyard… Joel? I think that’s what his name was, but we didn’t really know each other and the brief encounter we had proved he seemed uncomfortable using his English.

God, I wish I wasn’t so old already. I wish I still had time to create more memories of playing the field. I’m probably romanticizing a bit and I would feel the opposite if the conditions were reversed… Though I know not everything would be a good experience overall… but to have the experience – that is to have lived.

So I’m over here, 33 years old, looking at an old crush’s photo on FB. …Jimmy, this isn’t an invitation. Obviously we’re both married with kids and besides which any chance I might possibly have had would be long loooong gone, I know… But still, I’m gonna have to say what I couldn’t say when I was 16:

“Damn, Son, you look fine.”

Them attractive 90s boys

I don’t know if you all have heard, but supposedly JNCOs have been in the midst of a comeback.

jnco

For several months I have tried to convince Vollie-Dan that he should go baggy style instead of wearing those horrid skinny jeans – and then I heard this glorious news and attempted to convince him JNCO was the way to go. Of course he shook his head in disgust and refused. Periodically I’ve bugged him about it…

Then yesterday another youth was playing around being silly turning his baseball cap around and sideways… I told him what he needed was a white baseball cap to be real fly. This graduated into a discussion about 90s male fashion and I urged him too to check out JNCOs. I believe he used both the words “ew” and “never” when I showed him pictures.

I mean come on now… I can probably be happy meeting half-way re: jean width – to be honest JNCO jeans can get slightly ridiculous in size. But the shorts were always kinda cool… I’ve always loved the look of cargo shorts and larger shorts on guys. I loved the white backwards baseball cap covering a bleach blond head… I loved a guy with a couple silver hoops in his ears, wearing oakleys and likely wearing chains on his wallet…

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Plain tshirts or tanktops… I even liked the funky patterned Hawaiian-ish style shirts they would wear sometimes… (Justin used to wear these a lot more when he was 16 😉 )

My goodness 90s males were attractive. Come to think of it a few guys my age still dress like that on occasion. Very attractive, I must say. Jimmy still dresses like that… sometimes Justin does too. Even my rednecky husband still wears JNCO style shorts once in a while.

Youth boys please take note. If you wanna be truly cool you need to dress like guys from the 90s. A little bit of the skater and snowboarder boy flavor; a little bit of 90s rock. I mean srsly now. Skinny jeans only work on skinny tattooed rocker boys – I don’t wanna see them anywhere else.

 

Hopefully he won’t read it…

I typed up a message, copy and pasting for the most part – since I had sent basically the same message to a handful of other men. The messages and emails were notifications that I wrote a particular book and that I had written about them in it. I told them if they wanted to read it, to just let me know and I would send them a free copy.

I sent these notes to Sven, Justin, Andre, Viktor, Dan, and even Jimmy. All the men I am still in touch with in some form or another. I wrote these notes before the book even went live, but so far I have only heard back from half of them. Andre and Jimmy seem very excited for me and of course they want a copy they told me. Justin has already read the manuscript – he read my first book’s manuscript too since he helped me with some of the editing process. This time he was helping me with the whole male perspective thing – so he’s read it anyway. He liked it, but preferred for me not to send a hard copy because he said my title was clever and he is sure if it arrived in the mail while he was at work, his son would surely pick it up and start reading it… and he just doesn’t want to have “that conversation” with him.

Why nooot? Haha… okay, fair enough, Justin.

I’m not so concerned if the other three don’t want to read it. I mean, I do hope Viktor will want to. He seemed genuinely surprised when I wrote about him on this blog before and I actually had nice things to say about him. He said my view of him helped to change the perspective he has always had of himself. …Which is a good thing. Viktor is hard to get a hold of though, so I’m not sure if he has even seen my email yet, let alone considered the possibility of wanting to read it.

Sven… Honestly I don’t care if he reads it. I think I give him a fair shake in the book, but it’s not glowing and eh… I just don’t relate so much to him anymore anyway. What he thinks about it doesn’t fuss me much.

What does fuss me is this: Dan. I can see he saw my message. So he knows, but so far has stayed silent. That is not unusual – sometimes when I message him, he’ll see it right away but not get around to answering for a couple of weeks. That’s fine. He’s a busy guy.

I care about what Dan will think if he does read it. I pretty well laid myself bare about him. I wrote all the things in my head, all my feelings I ever had about him in that book. I’ve mentioned before that I have often had a hard time displaying sincere emotion to him – so I don’t think he truly understands how I ever felt about him. Yeah, he knew I cared about him. He read his birthday greeting post from May when I sent him the link – so he knows I care about him still. But this is a man that I have never allowed to see me cry – even though he directly caused me to have an absolute meltdown in the bathroom. Punching walls and hitting the floor with my fists as tears streamed down my face; Maja trying to hold me and calm me down.

I put on a hard face for him, I exuded bubbles and fun, I tried to exude “cool.” Maybe I succeeded, maybe I didn’t. Maybe he could tell all along that I was putting on the act. Maybe he knew all along I was guarding myself from him. I was guarding my emotions from him – trying to build a wall, though the bricks continuously crumbled in my hands.

Dan doesn’t like to think on the past. Dan doesn’t particularly care for who he was in the ’90s and early ’00s. The likelihood of him saying he wants a copy is slim, I think… But I had to offer. I had to be fair and offer it to him alongside the other men.

But maybe… …probably… ….hopefully… he won’t want to read it.

That would be okay with me.

 

 

 

*Interested in what I wrote about these men? Check out my book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/That-Boy-Gave-Cooties-Relationship/dp/1516885708/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1441238794&sr=8-1&keywords=that+boy+gave+me+cooties

Jimmy (part 3)

I woke up at 3:30 AM this morning. That’s when the previous conversation with Justin happened. When I still couldn’t sleep, I wrote the post about it.

Then, a little bit before 7 AM, I sent the links to Jimmy so he could read them… and read them he did. Silly me, I had mostly been hesitant about saying I had a crush for my own personal self preservation (in terms of keeping the personal embarrassment to a minimum.)

Instead, he was surprised at how he was perceived in High School. He revealed that he himself was being bullied and his thug-like persona was a front, an effort to cover his true personality. He struggled to fit in. He also did recognize that he made some poor decisions and realized he maybe owes some people apologies.

Awwww, Hun. You’re breaking my heart over here.

I personally never saw him as a bully – since I never saw those actions for myself. I’m sorry I hadn’t realized he was struggling so much. I also didn’t realize all the trouble he was really in until I tried calling him one day and his mom informed me he had been sent to Juvenile Hall. She gave me his mailing address and I wrote him a time or two before I left the country… But I didn’t hear back. I wasn’t sure if he even got those letters.

“I liked you, Jimmy. Always have.” I told him. “Now I wish I could have been a better friend to you back then.”

“Don’t be sorry. You were a terrific friend. I, however, did not recognize who my friends really were.”

I’m glad he thinks so. Besides the whole crush on him thing… I really wanted to be his friend. Sometimes I wasn’t so sure he didn’t think my efforts were weird or something. I felt awkward a lot in those kind of situations – ones where I really wanted to be friends with someone, but didn’t quite know where I stood in their books.

He then thanked me for being his friend and for caring about him.

You are most welcome, Jimmy. I want you to know that I am proud of how you’ve turned out (though I know I had no hand in that). You are a good guy too. You’re a hard worker. You have a wife and kids that adore you.You are obviously a good daddy. …and while I’m throwing compliments your way… You are still just as good looking as you were at 16 😉

Serious y’all. This guy doesn’t age.

Jimmy (part 2)

“I found it interesting that he actively didn’t like me.” Justin’s words appeared on my phone. “I had a reason to dislike him, but as far as I know, I never really had any chance to give him a reason to hate me because I never really interacted with him.”

“I don’t remember what it was all about… But you two must have had words at some point.” I replied.

Justin has read this post in which I confessed my crush on Jimmy – a guy he hated in High School. …Personally, I find it interesting that we are starting at this point.

Well, actually it started with Justin being pleased he comes off as a good guy because he was the one “bothered by the thug because he bullied others.”

Our convo continued:

“I probably stepped in at some point when he was picking on someone, telling him to stop. I don’t particularly remember it, but it sounds like me. I tend to frequently find myself in that white knight role, lol.”

“I was thinking it was something like that, honestly… Just couldn’t remember for sure. I also recall you talking some other kids out of jumping him because of the promise you made me… You’re a good guy, Justin.”

“I stopped guys from jumping him?! High School was a lot more violent and cut throat that I remember! LOL”

AH. PUBLIC SCHOOL.

“Yeah, they were kids on your bus making a plan. You told me they planned to have baseball bats and get off at his stop and jump him. You told them you hated him too, but that I was friends with him and you knew I’d be upset if he got hurt… That’s what you told me anyway.”

Justin then agreed he remembers that now and stated that Jimmy made a lot of enemies. I noted I was glad I never saw the really negative behavior or I probably wouldn’t be friends with him now.

“So, did you actively have a crush on him while we were dating?”

AH. HERE IT IS. I WAS WAITING FOR THIS QUESTION.

“An accusatory question, I know. Obviously it’s no big deal now.”

“Ummm…” I started. “I remember meeting him before dating you and really liking him… But while we were dating I was soooo in love, I wouldn’t call it an “active” crush. I did continue to find him attractive, however.”

“I guess that’s permissible… 😉 ” Justin replied.

Phew, That’s a relief!

“…he really seems to be a much better person these days, FYI. Of course what do I know apparently?”

I had already pointed out my penchant for being friends with trouble maker boys – while they are nice to me and I don’t see their bad side.

“But from what I see on FB… He’s a much better person these days… and now I apparently feel the need to justify still being friends with him! GEEZ.”

“Are you going to make me promise again not to fight him?”

“Haha, do I need to?”

“Did you show this post to “Jimmy”?”

“No.”

No, Justin, I have not.

Justin convinced me I should let Jimmy know about the post. I do try to hold myself to a standard and honestly inform people when I write about them… if I can.

But… God, how embarrassing!