Hey Mum

I pulled into Zinger Coffee & Tea’s drive through just as Bachelor Girl’s song “Buses and Trains” started coming through my speakers. It had been a long time since I’d listened to that song.

I liked it as a teen, but hadn’t really thought much about the song as a whole. But as I grabbed my “Sweet Pea” latte (Caramel and Hazelnut… Don’t ask me why they call it a Sweet Pea… It’s a February special, so likely just a cutesy name related to Valentine’s day) and started to listen a little more closely.

I realised that I related more to this song than I had understood as a teen.

“Hey Mum, why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you teach me a thing or two? You just let me go out into the world; you never thought to share what you knew…”

About a year and a half ago at this point, my mother came to visit me in Australia. I sat down with her in my living room, with a bottle of wine, and asked her some very similar questions.

I had found out about some issues she had had with her relationship with my father. She had since found out about my abusive relationship – basically. I don’t think she even still cares to hear about the specifics. I mean… I can’t blame her for that. I don’t think I’d want to know details if I were her either. Plus… She had been more involved with my littlest sister and getting her out of an abusive relationship in recent years. It would have burdened her more than necessary to know, really.

Yet…

“Hey Mum, why didn’t you warn me? ‘Cause I found boys were something I should have known. They’re like chocolate cake, like cigarettes – I know they’re bad for me, but I just can’t leave them alone.”

“Why didn’t you tell us about you and dad? I wish you had been honest with me about stuff like that.”

She looked me in the eye, with a serious expression, as she picked up her glass of wine. “You really want to know? I’ll tell you whatever you want to know now…”

“I do. …It may not have changed much… But if I had known… If you had been frank with me about this kind of stuff… Maybe I would have made at least some better decisions… Maybe I would have avoided the worst of it.”

My mother nodded as if to say she understood and had taken on board my concerns. She then launched into honestly outlining her side of the relationship.

I must say, I appreciate the candid response she gave me… But at the same time it seemed a little too late. Yet… I honestly can’t say how I would have handled the information had I learned it when I needed it – around 13 years of age. Mainly because the majority of the information had to do with my father.

Still… If I had known… If I had a frank discussion or 12 with my mother, perhaps I could have avoided an abusive relationship, or at the very least lessened it. I might have even avoided dangerous situations (i.e Timmy or David). I’m not saying all of my past problems would have not happened… But perhaps I would have made some better decisions once in awhile. I wouldn’t have believed that controlling behaviour and jealousy meant he loved me. I may not have felt that I owed anyone sexual favours or my very heart.

As it stands, I plan to tell my daughter (and my son) about my past before they start eying the opposite sex. I plan to tell them about the abuse I endured, about the mistakes and the triumphs in my relationships. I plan to tell them about the bad – Wyatt, David… though depending on their age I may sanitize certain aspects… basic info without the detail really. I’ll tell them about the good – Justin, Andre… etc I’ll tell them about the relationships in between – Viktor, Sven… and how they shouldn’t settle and dismiss their feelings for the sake of not hurting otherwise nice people. Yet – it’ll be unacceptable for them to be assholes of course. LOL Gosh, this parenting thing is hard. This may have to be over more than one conversation… I guess I’ll take it as it comes…

So anyway… This morning, I took a sip of my latte and started to sing along:

“So I walked under a bus, I got hit by a train. Keep falling in love – which is kinda the same. I’ve sunk out at sea, crashed my car… gone insane – and it felt so good, I wanna do it again.”

Oh, Bachelor Girl… You get me… Even at 34 I sometimes can’t help but feel that I wanna do it all again… OMG WTF is wrong with me?? 😉

Well hey, I suppose there’s something about the rush. The endorphins, the dopamine… The men whether they’re good or bad for me… and maybe, deep down, I think if I did it again I might make better decisions. But you know what? If I’m honest with myself, I’m not so sure that would be true…. Knowing what I know now, I still am more attracted to the “bad boy;”  like a bad habit. I think maybe I should just not have let myself get a taste of them in the first place…

Now if you’ll excuse me; I have a sudden urge for chocolate cake and a cigarette…

The Grand Scheme of Things

In a few weeks I turn 34. Logically I know that is not all that old…. But maybe it’s Karma because I called Justin “old” when he turned 34 yesterday – same as Dane when he turned 34 in October. But now… Siiiiggghhh… I’m starting to feel old myself. Really, it’s not so much a feeling of being old, but rather more of a sudden realization that these 34 years have passed rather quickly it seems and if the next 34 goes just as quickly then I suddenly will be old! 68! Ah! All that much closer to my 80s or 90s! Is this what a midlife crisis feels like? I’m not quite at “midlife” yet am I? AM I???!!!

No, seriously though I’m not actually freaking out THAT much… It’s just an unsettling thought process I’ve had so far. Especially after having done so much reminiscing this last week with all the journals and pictures pulled out of storage.

Looking back at how young and thin I was… Looking back at how much potential I had. Looking back and realizing how misguided I was in thinking I was chubby at times or not as attractive as the other girls that surrounded me. I have since had a couple men tell me that in looking at my old pictures, that I was an attractive teenager and I would have been a girl they would have pursued had they known me at that time. Flattering, yes… and now I have more of the capacity to actually trust their words.


I wish I hadn’t been so self doubting back then. I wish I was able to actually believe that certain guys actually cared for me… Actually loved me as they said… or actually found me beautiful. While I clearly had a handful of romantic conquests, I distrusted their intentions for the most part. I distrusted that their flattery was genuine – I assumed I was perhaps a passing fancy or something to keep them occupied until another better option came along.

Perhaps, I was wrong. Perhaps, my self-esteem was that damaged that I was deluded in the perception of myself. I suppose most teenage girls struggle with similar issues. Hey, I only just learned in recent years that Maja struggled with similar self-doubts – and my perception of her was of a ridiculously gorgeous girl that had many many boys to choose from. {That’s why you didn’t need Ludde, Maja! Shoulda kicked that asswipe to the curb a lot sooner! 😉 }

I also wish I maybe made some different life choices along the way… Slept with more men… I’ve mentioned that before… hmmm… Finished college earlier… Gotten that tattoo… Traveled back to/lived in Europe again – particularly Scandinavia… Gotten more fit/strong… maintained my weight/lost it and kept it off …etc etc etc…

So now I will soon be starting the next 34 years of my life. Looks like I have a lot to accomplish, and perhaps not that long in which to accomplish it. Not that long in the grand scheme of things… Not that long if I let the years slip through my fingers again.

I don’t want to suddenly be 68 or 80 or whatever and realize that I never did what I intended to do nor felt the way I perhaps should have about myself. I don’t want to wake up one day and feel like my life had been lived in vain.

Scary eyes

Now – back to some more regular programming. LOL as in – not just a whole bunch of pictures. Back to old themes and old memories – or in this case memories forgotten.

In my first Treasures post, I mentioned a journal entry in one of the journals I shared with Anneke. It was a vague entry in as far as I mentioned telling my friend John about something to do with my past with guys and he became legitimately angry. I noted that his eyes were scary.

In that post I wondered what the heck I had actually told him as both Maja and Svea had confirmed I never straight out told them about being abused or anything prior to meeting them – they did both; however, say when they found out that they had often suspected.

After reading this journal entry I called Maja up and mentioned it… I legitimately didn’t recall this event happening.  She did. She didn’t know what I had said to him, but she recalled him remaining very angry after the fact – yelling about how men shouldn’t “treat a bird that way!”

Curiosity got the better of me so I messaged John late last night – he currently lives in Africa so not likely I could get a hold of him easily in real time. I explained what I had stumbled upon and that I had no recollection of it. I told him I spoke to Maja and what she remembered… and said “I guess I’m wondering if I spoke in generalities or actually told you as the one and only person that I had gone through a two year abusive relationship…?”

He responded this morning that he did in fact recall that conversation. He was fuzzy on the details (he promised to think on it and get back to me if he remembered more), but he did remember the anger. He remembered that it was around the time that I was his Desdemona… He recalled sitting on some desks in a classroom (my guess would be in our English classroom) while we chatted. He remembered getting angry with the conviction that I didn’t deserve that.

I wonder to myself how much I revealed to this guy – this tough, thug like guy – that I didn’t feel that I could reveal really to my BFFs. Honestly; from that journal entry I’m actually surprised at myself how much I said to her…

But now at least it makes some sense at how he had the protective feeling over me. It makes sense that he came to me in the courtyard and told me he intended to “take care of” any guy that may choose to hurt me. It makes sense now that he told me and Maja that we were his girls.

It also makes sense that Maja would have picked up on the sense I had been abused after seeing John’s reactions to whatever I told him. Maybe I said it outright, maybe I didn’t and he just got enough of a sense of what I was saying to read between the lines. I don’t know – maybe I’ll find out soon if he recalls any other specifics.

For those of you that have been following me for awhile you may be confused by the name change – some of my commentary may sound familiar especially if you’ve read the book… I had changed his name to Jude… Obviously his name is correct in the journal and I didn’t want to confuse anyone further by not matching the name to the images… (which also, by the way, the featured image is our year book from that same year – I am top second from the left, and he is directly below me in the hat.) I’ve written about him/mentioned some of this in this post and this post. To be fair, he also doesn’t go by John anymore – sometimes I forget when we’re talking and I revert back to old habits… But he doesn’t like who he was back then and doesn’t like to go by the name he used all those years ago.

I dunno, John… I liked you heaps. You were always nice to me even when I wasn’t so sure why. Clearly you had a conscience that affected you – especially when it came to things and people you cared about. “…Thank you, John… for clearly being my friend.”

Speaking of journal entries of events I don’t recall… I read a couple of my personal journals that made it through the years as well – still missing some specific ones I wish I still had… but wow. Still a blast from the past and well worth keeping and remembering.

I wrote in my journal that while I was dating my husband I wrote about going out with my friends Brian and Patrick in which I met a guy I described as their creepy friend named Zack. This guy had asked me if I was dating Patrick and when I answered in the negative, he informed me that I was hot and that he wanted me.

I politely declined, letting him know I was in a serious relationship; to which he replied that it shouldn’t matter if I was with someone. (Why the fuck did he care if I was dating Patrick then?) I told him I didn’t have any intention of being with anyone else while I was in this relationship. He replied asking why I let my boyfriend control me…. Followed quickly by the offer to control me himself. He suggested taking a hold of my hair and pulling it while kissing me.

Ewww. Dude.

I’ve talked on this blog before about how I do, in fact, like it a little rough and I honestly do like my hair pulled on occasion… but Fuck Off “Zack.”

After reading this entry, I did kind of remember the occurrence – not many details – but I remember the icky feeling this guy gave me. Since when did a girl wanting to be faithful mean she wants to be controlled? Since when is it okay or even sexy to offer to control a girl you just fucking met? I mean… dude… maybe if you had been smoother about it and maybe if I was otherwise single and somewhat into you I might have gone off with you to get your rocks off… How about in the event of that occurrence – then and only then you can ask me if I want it rough or want my hair pulled? Otherwise *gag.*

For the record, I did actually write “Ewww” in my journal when recounting this individual. Now that I recalled this incident I think it needs to be added to the list of my stories – the stories we as women must tell so that we can teach our sons “not to be creepy assholes.”

To end it on a happier note, though – I also found one other bit of text I wanted to share with you all. Easter 1999 – I received this card from Justin. An instant smile spread across my face and a tear or two stung my eyes. I had all but forgotten I had kept this. It was in the small keepsake box I grabbed and tossed in the truck when we evacuated from Hurricane Katrina… Thank goodness 🙂

img_2607-12-01-17-06-43

I’ve had some terrible men come across the path in my life’s journey. I’ve had some pass through briefly such as that Zack asshole or the men that attempted to rape me. I’ve had some walk side by side with me for longer – taking the same course for months or years. I’ve had men make me feel terrible about myself, tearing down my self esteem, for far longer than I should have allowed.

Yet, then I’ve had some men that have come into my life that have made me feel truly special. I’ve had a few that actually made/make me happy.

I talk a lot about the men that caused all the negative feelings in me, yes I’ve talked about people like Justin and Andre before… Even Viktor etc etc that were all around decent men… but sometimes I get bogged down with the negatives. This card reminds me to pull my head up and remember that there really has been more good men than bad in my life.

Reminiscing on Christmas 

You guise… you guise… I’m at my mother’s house for Christmas.., the first time since I got married over 13 years ago… and my sisters and I just went through a bunch of pictures… just wanna share a few… my Christmas present to you! 😂😂😂


Clearly I was born with Drama running through my veins


Speaking of, this is me on stage doing a sketch for Drama class in Ethiopia 🇪🇹 


Me being a dead Viking at the ice hotel in jukkasjärvi, Sweden 🇸🇪 


Oh look! My original orange vans! Woo! (Athens, Greece 🇬🇷)


Mauritius 🇲🇺 


Me as a British school girl 


Some hair, hey? (Knaresborough, England 🇬🇧)


Arrived in Lidingö, Sweden 🇸🇪 


In Finland 🇫🇮 with friends


Michael came to visit in Maryland (boy that had a crush on me in Ethiopia 🇪🇹… but I didn’t know till he had moved away)


Me and Justin! Can’t see his face well in this so I guess it’s okay to post it! Lol

Aaaand… I found old Wyatt pics today too…


Even found the sultry pictures I took as a 14 or 15 year old for him to have as I was moving to Ethiopia… probably best not to share those here though…. however, here is the alien 👽 doll he won for me riding my skateboard 😂


Ok just a couple more for now…


Mauritius 🇲🇺 


Sweden 🇸🇪 



My house in Ethiopia 🇪🇹 the whole top floor was mine 😏


Duchess Spot, Princess Snowflake, Lady Licorace – Mauritius 🇲🇺 

Alice Springs, Australia 🇦🇺 

Roland House, represent! Alice Springs, Australia 🇦🇺 

New Zealand 🇳🇿 on a cruise

Alice Springs, Australia 🇦🇺 in a costume my mother made

Sweden 🇸🇪 

Maryland, USA 🇺🇸 


Virginia, USA 🇺🇸 

Okay okay that’s enough for now. I hope you all are having a good holiday with your families as well 😊 Merry Christmas 🎄😘

Emotional Response

Last night I submitted a post to be a guest writer on another blog, and in the meantime I wanted some feedback while I wait for it to be published. I suppose that it’s a bit backward and I should have looked for feedback before submitting it, but oh well.

I was telling Maja about it on the phone last night, so I pulled up the document and read it aloud to her.

It apparently invoked an emotional response as she said it made her heart hurt. I suppose that’s the best an author could hope for – to have their writing invoke emotional response I mean… Not necessarily to make people’s hearts hurt or cause tears, but to make them feel something.

So I took that as a good sign and then had to sit on my hands because I was tempted to just post it because I am an impatient person when it comes to such things… But that wouldn’t be right when I wrote it specifically for another site… So I’ll be patient and reblog once it’s up.

Speaking of writing invoking emotional responses – Justin’s words on Facebook last night made me cry… with laughter. My goodness fave dude makes me laugh so much…

He posted about literally standing in the middle of his gym locker room and none of the so-called normal men in there were talking about groping women’s genitals against their will.

I responded that I loved him. That post in itself made me laugh.

But his response to me was far more amusing.

Though he appreciated the sentiment, he wanted to point out the irony that a girl, an ex-girlfriend no less, made such a comment to him when he is married and criticizing the Donald’s fidelity. If he were running for president he would surely have to answer to this at the next debate, he asserted.

I told him I would shoulder the blame in the media should that day ever come, Haha.

His wife chimed in that she did understand because she knows he is loveable. I responded to her that regardless, she can rest assured that it is more of a “love ya bro” sentiment nowadays.

And on that note, Justin declared his candidacy for 2024.

I made a public assertion on my page that should he run for office, it should be noted that an inappropriate behaviour or commentary on his social media is entirely of my own doing and that he had no control over it. Furthermore, he is an upstanding citizen who never groped women against their will nor participated in locker room banter… Hahaha

That effort may have been thwarted, however; because another friend of his had commented on his thread that perhaps these men were waiting for him to initiate. Perhaps Justin was the alpha male, “The Donald” if you will.

He said that he had thought of that, so he tried to initiate but that he got Trump’s words mixed up and ended up kissing some guy and when he backed away, Justin asserted that it was what normal men do –  it was all very awkward.

Hahahaaaa. *phew* I needed that laugh to be honest… Thanks Justin… Love ya bro 😛

 

 

Taylor Swift Gets Me : Reprise

While we’re on the topic of Taylor Swift, I went back and perused my posts from February 2015 – when I started this blog – and came across one of the first posts I had written that was also a I-have-a-girl-crush-on-Taylor kind of post.

What I had done is compiled and mashed up several of her lyrics that I felt outlined my love life. I wrote it straight through without explaining who was who – I guess half expecting I’d make it clear enough eventually through the blog.

Well, I decided just now to go ahead and revise it. Make it clear who was who and polish it up a bit – making changes as to past tense etc so it flows better… As well as add some for Viktor, so he wouldn’t be so left out 😉 Also notice that Dane was included though he is a BFF not a past boyfriend. I still consider him as “one of my boys” in my life though… so there you go.

You can; however, still find the original here.

WYATT

I was reminiscing the other day, while having coffee all alone and lord it took me away… We were both young when I first saw you; I close my eyes and the flashback starts:

Did you have to do this? I was thinking that you could be trusted, did you have to hit me where I’m weak, Baby, I couldn’t breathe. These kinds of wounds they last and they last… Cause when you’re fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you’re gonna believe them; all I wanted was to be wanted.

I wish I could go back and tell myself what I know now. Stupid girl, I should have known. Maybe I was naïve, got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance. My mistake, I didn’t know how to be in love.

You took a swing, I took it hard and down here from the ground, I see who you are. I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing.

You were so casually cruel in the name of being honest. I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here cause I remember it all.

“Baby, I miss you and I swear I’m gonna change, trust me.” You wore your best apology.

That was the last time I let you in my door. “This is the last time I won’t hurt you anymore.” You told me that you loved me and then you cut me down; I needed you like a heartbeat, but you know you got a mean streak.

You told me that you wanted me, then pushed me around. You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you used against me. You knocked me off my feet again, got me feeling like I’m nothing.

I wondered if I’d make it out alive. It’s hard to fight when the fight ain’t fair. I might be ok, but I’m not fine at all. I remember all too well.

And then I felt so low I couldn’t feel nothing at all.

JUSTIN

Your eyes look like coming home. I just liked hanging out with you all the time. Darling, it was good. All I felt in my stomach was butterflies – the beautiful kind. It was miserable and magical, oh yeah. There was something about it that felt like home somehow. Oh your sweet disposition and my wide eyed gaze…

Distance, Timing, Breakdown, Fighting, silence, the train ran off its tracks. I guess we fell apart the usual way and the story’s got dust all over the page,

but sometimes I wonder how you think about it now.

VIKTOR

He said everything I needed to hear and it’s like I couldn’t ask for anything better

He said “you look beautiful tonight”

And I felt perfectly fine

DAN

New to town with a made up name, I saw you there and thought “Oh my God, look at that face – you look like my next mistake.” He was so tall and handsome as hell. He was so bad but he did it so well.

You looked like bad news, I had to have you. I knew you were trouble when you walked in. You were just so cool, ran your hands through your hair… Absentmindedly making me want you. I guess you didn’t care and I guess I liked that. I’d be smart to have walked away, but you were quicksand.

You always knew how to push my buttons, I’m really gonna miss you picking fights. It was a long six months and you were too afraid to tell me what you want. I just wanted to know you better.

No apologies, he never saw me cry, pretended he didn’t know that he was the reason why I was drowning.

I faked a smile so he wouldn’t see.

SVEN

My lover in the foyer didn’t even know me.

Thought his future was me. He couldn’t see the smile I was faking and my heart was not breaking cause I wasn’t feeling anything at all. Could he tell that I couldn’t breathe?

Everybody loves pretty and everybody loves cool.

But I was so confused because I didn’t feel pretty, I just felt used.

ANDRE

I don’t know why, but with you I’d dance in a storm in my best dress.

Cause I couldn’t help it if you looked like an angel, couldn’t help if I wanted to kiss you in the rain. We were dancing, dancing like we’re made of starlight…

 The only one who’s got enough for me to break my heart.

 

DAVID

It was a moment of weakness and I said yes. I should’ve said no, I should’ve gone home. You were looking so innocent, I might have believed you if I didn’t know.

Even now just looking at you feels wrong.

DANE

We know it’s never simple, never easy, never a clean break. Nothing we said was gonna save us from the fall out. It was 2 AM, feeling like I just lost a friend.

You didn’t have to call anymore, I wouldn’t pick up the phone, that was the last straw, I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I just wanted to tell you it took everything in me not to call you.

…So that was me swallowing my pride, Standing in front of you saying, “I’m sorry for that night.” Your guard was up and I know why…

Because the last time you saw me was still burned in the back of your mind.

JASON

You’re thinking that I hate you now cause you still don’t know what I never said. Kiss me, try to fix it. Could you just try to listen?

I’m pretty sure we almost broke up last night. I was expecting some dramatic turn away, but you… stayed. I’ll be loving you for quite some time, No one else is gonna love me when I get mad.

For the first time what’s past is past.

It’s like I got this music in my mind saying “It’s gonna be alright”

For my new readers – you can find  stories about most of these guys under the relationships tab at the top, filed by these names. (Dane is under Best Friends.) Though the entire stories are in my book… available on Amazon.

Well Fit

I dunno why I haven’t thought to mention this to Justin before… Ha, he may have seen it on my FB… But I dunno that he gets on enough to notice every post I write… so who knows…

But Justin posted something about UFC yesterday and I thought “Huh, I don’t think I mentioned to him I’ve now started an MMA class in addition to kickboxing and Jiu Jitsu.” So when I told him he of course said it sounded cool.  …Conversation ongoing as I think he has probably fallen asleep by now – given that he lives on a different continent.

Justin is one of my fave dudes… and man is he “well fit.” (Haha, I love that phrase. I always say it in my head with a British accent.) When we dated he was very into watching Wrestling and UFC like stuff, and lifted weights for hours a day. Apparently later he had an injury and lost muscle tone etc from inactivity… But now he does martial arts of some form (from memory – I think it’s Karate) among whatever else is on his fitness regime and he has certainly gained his muscles back. Man, to be as fit as Justin… but, oh wait… no… I don’t want his man muscles haha. I’ll be happy with some nice slim female muscles.

First, the fat has to go. I’ve lost a few kilos already over the last few weeks so that is awesome… I’ve trained 4-5 times last week and plan on the same for this week. I can’t remember if I mentioned this previously – but I agreed with “coach” that I would aim to lose a minimum of 12 kg by end of year. Speaking of, I think Justin would like him. They have similar personalities and obviously have some similar interests. Come to think of it, I think they share a birthday month/year … so maybe there is something to that whole Zodiac thing… bahaha.

Nah, but Maja and I also share a birthday month/year and my god that girl annoys me sometimes (LOL Just teasing Gumman!) …And also Justin has been known not to like people I like, Haha… though if that would happen to be the case  I’m sure it’d definitely be nothing like the Jimmy debacle.

But regardless, here’s hoping I can get “well fit” myself and make Justin proud 🙂 I’ve known this boy since we were 16 and you know, he’s one of my best friends I’d say… The only reason I haven’t ever classed him as BFF is the fact we haven’t actually seen each other in so long… and given that we ended as an end of a relationship instead of BFFs just saying “bye” or whatever it didn’t seem natural to label him as such… However; given that he stated that if we had stayed together he thought we’d be married by now… well… that’s got to say something. So, considering that, maybe I’ll just call him “fave dude” from now on. Haha.

Hey Fave Dude. Watch me get fit and be proud 😛