Dane and I are talking again... To an extent. For those of you that have followed me for the past several years, I'm sure you are sighing and rolling your eyes at this point. "What the fuck, Emma," I hear you mutter under your breath. "Just walk away and for fucks' sake stay away." Ok,… Continue reading You and Me, Emma
It came back to me today, a memory I'd like to say was vague - as I hadn't thought about it for a very long time. But it's not, not vague at all. I've been having these snippets pop up in my mind here and there, seemingly randomly over the past few weeks. I'm not… Continue reading Freaking Frigid – A Memory
Honestly, I don't know if I have anything interesting to spew at the moment. I just felt like getting back to the root of my blog/writing career for a minute - I felt like writing without a purpose to see what would emerge. I hope to clarify my inner self, to figure out why I… Continue reading Take My Prazosin And Hope David Stays Out Of My Dreams
Stranger Things Spoilers Below. Proceed with caution 😉 I finally finished Stranger Things season 3 last night and it was so depressing. I'm not talking about Hopper's possible death - because the way it was handled I am relatively certain he will suddenly show back up and have a wild story as to how he… Continue reading In Defense of…? Or Rather… …Billy Gave Me Anxiety
Dane unfriended me on Facebook. I told you that. He inferred I was disposable and it seemed he'd rather keep David in the FB friendship circle. Ok, fine then. I accepted that, though it hurt initially. The thing is, even after pushing me away so hard; trying his damnedest to put distance between us and… Continue reading Smoldering Bridge
I have a follow up with my psychiatrist in a few days. She wants to check on how my meds are doing now that I am entering the annual timeframe that the worst of my PTSD usually takes effect. So what am I going to tell her? I keep thinking about it... do I still… Continue reading At What Level is it Normal?
I've discovered something definitive about my friendship with Dane this week. Well, ex-friendship at this point. I have become disposable to him. I'm not sure when exactly it happened, sometime over the last two years since I moved back to the USA. Up until that point... the last time I had talked to him while… Continue reading Being Disposable
I've had a thought recently. I supposed the thought has crossed my mind in some form or another a few times before... But, sometimes I feel so stereotypical. Before I admitted even to myself I've been a victim (though I hate that word) of abuse, I used terminology to describe myself or my situation/past in stereotypical… Continue reading When I say “they,” I also mean me.
It's been awhile since I've written about anything related to relationships and/or the memories thereof. So, I thought perhaps I'd bring up that topic again. I had a few ideas over the weekend, of particular memories to tell you all... but, alas, I was negligent in writing them down and I have since forgotten. Geez,… Continue reading OMG, Neil, How Could You Do Such A Thing?
You know that feeling... The one where your emotion - for lack of a better word - is stuck smack dab in the middle of your chest? It's unclear exactly what that emotion is; though it's persistent and hard not to notice. It's not like the random bruise or bleeding you find on yourself while… Continue reading It’s Not Like The Random Bruise
I feel like I've been somewhat emotionally fragile - or, perhaps, vulnerable is the correct word - as of late. In my post puzzling over my mental health I mentioned that my mom had said she found my medical records, including my diagnosis etc from when I was 15. (Please read the linked post to… Continue reading Passive Aggressive Shit
It hit me dead on; a slap in the face and a punch in the gut simultaneously. I saw a picture of Wyatt and it initiated a wave of nausea that washed over me, no, rather it billowed like a storm surge. I can't explain why I felt the way I did. It doesn't always… Continue reading It Billowed Like a Storm Surge
"He doesn't look abusive," she said when I showed her a picture of my ex. "No, I suppose he doesn't," I responded. Thinking to myself at least not when he's smiling... if he was screaming in her face, she wouldn't think that. It was always fun with him around, until it wasn't. He was always… Continue reading Not When He’s Smiling
Had a revelation today. A potentially awful revelation. Dane and David are back in contact, via Facebook, if nothing else. I don't know how long they've been in touch. As far as I can tell it'll have been less than a few months since they reconnected on FB... but I don't really know. I sent… Continue reading A Twinge of Betrayal
Get ready for a ramble fest y'all. Last night hubs said something that made me think... I have been blaming Wyatt for instilling a lot of negative relationship behaviours in me... and to an extent I think that's still true, but perhaps I've been bred to be ... How did he put it? ... I… Continue reading My Idiosyncrasies
**Fair warning, it's a swearing kinda day** 51 weeks ago, exactly, I wrote about Valentines Day Vs St Patrick's day as a half assed effort to refocus myself from the Lenten/St Patrick's season that I usually become depressed in. This year, however, Valentines day legit starts the actual season of Lent. Ash Wednesday and St… Continue reading Glad You Didn’t Die, I Guess
I had another dream about David on Christmas Eve. Unexpected, it's been several months if not longer since I've had one of those. I'm not sure if something actually triggered it, or if it was just my brain saying "hey, guess what we haven't dreamt about in awhile?" Whenever I have these dreams, they always… Continue reading Far Away From My Corporeal Body
What makes him love me? What made the others not really care about me? Sometimes I think I'm pretty good at reading people, situations, and relationships... When I pay attention that is. At least I used to think that. Over the past year or so, maybe it's been brewing longer... I've realized I often don't… Continue reading Maybe There’s Hope for Me Yet
I let a friendship go today. Not just any friendship, a best-friendship. Something I've been mulling over for a while now, and while I was sitting in church this morning; likely listening to a very similar sermon to what he'd be listening to, I knew I just needed to rip the bandage off and get… Continue reading Until then… Bye Dane.
This may seem like a break from my usual programming... But I promise, by the end you'll see why I decided to write about this here 😉 It may not be clear to you from my blog, but I have a fascination with the Tudors. For many years I have been interested in the delicate… Continue reading Catherine, you poor pigeon!