There Are Worse Things I Could Do

*Featured image from Pinterest.com

In the car today, I introduced my children to some of my fave Broadway songs – which included a handful from both Grease and Grease 2.

I told my 5 year old son that Grease Lightning is about a car, which peaked his interest naturally… and when they sang “The chicks’ll cream for Grease Lightning,” he piped up excitedly  that they were singing about Lightning McQueen!

…”They sure are son!”

LOL

Anyway, I started to get nostalgic over these movies. I used to watch them all the time with my good friend Courtney when I was 14/15 – in fact we watched them the very night that we took these photos (previously noted I wouldn’t show all these – but hey, what the heck…) :

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I don’t believe I’ve written about this night on the blog before… Though I have in other more extensive writings about Wyatt – these pictures were taken for him. We were at the hotel I was staying at with my mum and littlest sister just prior to moving to Ethiopia. I got my own room and got to have Courtney come stay for an extended sleepover. We took some similar pictures of her too, just because we thought it was fun… I did find one surviving one of her in the stack of pictures – but naturally I will not show such here as it really is none of my business to share that kind of photo of someone. Regardless of if it was taken with my camera at the time…

Anyway, I got nostalgic and started watching Grease this evening, then discovered Grease Live on Netflix so I watched that too (and am currently watching Grease 2 as I write this lol)

I’d like to note that Vanessa Hudgens played Rizzo in Grease Live last year – Wow. When I realised she was Rizzo it took me aback just because last I really paid attention to her was when she was a goodie two-shoes type clean cut character in Disney’s High School Musical.

She certainly has grown up… and while I would not have initially expected her to be a Rizzo type; she blew it out of the park. I was amazed at her talent portraying such a character… not that I ever thought she was particularly untalented or anything… but… still.

Let me just illustrate here for those of you that haven’t seen it for yourselves – this is Vanessa Hudgens singing my fave Grease song, my fave Rizzo scene as it is:

 

I’ve talked before about Rizzo being my dream role and that I relate to the character, based a lot off of this particular song… I won’t discuss it much further here – you can click on those links if you are interested in what I had to say about that.

I’ve started to think; however, now that I am rewatching these movies for the umpteenth time if there were somewhat subtle influences for me overall – I’ve mentioned this topic in general regarding other movies influencing me on other ideas before – I’m wondering if maybe my penchant for the “bad boy” might have originated here. Though, let’s face it many many of us tend to fall for those types because they give us a sense of excitement – am I wrong, ladies? 😉 Sometimes we may also think we can change them or that they are softies underneath their hard exteriors – like Danny putting on a show in front of his friends in spite of himself. To be fair, I was already dating a bad boy at the time Courtney and I were obsessing over the movies – though I had seen it on stage for the first time a good year before I met him.

I just realised too that Grease 2 has Sharon often handling a cigarette holder:

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Image cropped from an image on imgarcade.com

That played into my psyche, perhaps… Perhaps I am reading too much into that… but this along with Bullets Over Broadway is the likely reason I decided I myself would start using them in high school. Now I have three. I don’t smoke nearly as often anymore… just socially and usually with a drink in my other hand…

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In High School I had the same as the plain black one – but that eventually broke, so this is a replacement of the exact same kind. These both have crystal filters which somehow ease my mind that my smoking isn’t AS bad if I’m using them LOL (Don’t smoke regardless, kids… )

I also have a rosewood one that I rarely use simply because i am always fucking losing it! It’s misplaced again… smh… so I’ll have to use a picture from Amazon. It’s hand carved, mine looks most like the darker wood one. I actually love it – even though it is carved and unable to hold filters, it makes the smoke flow really smoothly. I’m gonna have to order extra of them, gosh…

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I also just realised that in one scene at least, Sharon is using one that has a gold top like my other filter one… except… it’s PINK. OMG. I need that in my life… LOL

Anyway, this post went off in a direction I didn’t intend… so I’ll bring it back around to wrap it up, haha. Basically – I suppose I should say at this juncture: Yes, I have vices. Yes, I can be a sarcastic bitch on occasion. Yes, I prefer the bad boys – I have a gut reaction to lust after them – even though I know they likely won’t ever truly change… and I may have had a pregnancy scare as a teen. I may have contracted an STD in my past… I may have gone with “a boy or two” …But, you know, there are worse things I could do.

Scary eyes

Now – back to some more regular programming. LOL as in – not just a whole bunch of pictures. Back to old themes and old memories – or in this case memories forgotten.

In my first Treasures post, I mentioned a journal entry in one of the journals I shared with Anneke. It was a vague entry in as far as I mentioned telling my friend John about something to do with my past with guys and he became legitimately angry. I noted that his eyes were scary.

In that post I wondered what the heck I had actually told him as both Maja and Svea had confirmed I never straight out told them about being abused or anything prior to meeting them – they did both; however, say when they found out that they had often suspected.

After reading this journal entry I called Maja up and mentioned it… I legitimately didn’t recall this event happening.  She did. She didn’t know what I had said to him, but she recalled him remaining very angry after the fact – yelling about how men shouldn’t “treat a bird that way!”

Curiosity got the better of me so I messaged John late last night – he currently lives in Africa so not likely I could get a hold of him easily in real time. I explained what I had stumbled upon and that I had no recollection of it. I told him I spoke to Maja and what she remembered… and said “I guess I’m wondering if I spoke in generalities or actually told you as the one and only person that I had gone through a two year abusive relationship…?”

He responded this morning that he did in fact recall that conversation. He was fuzzy on the details (he promised to think on it and get back to me if he remembered more), but he did remember the anger. He remembered that it was around the time that I was his Desdemona… He recalled sitting on some desks in a classroom (my guess would be in our English classroom) while we chatted. He remembered getting angry with the conviction that I didn’t deserve that.

I wonder to myself how much I revealed to this guy – this tough, thug like guy – that I didn’t feel that I could reveal really to my BFFs. Honestly; from that journal entry I’m actually surprised at myself how much I said to her…

But now at least it makes some sense at how he had the protective feeling over me. It makes sense that he came to me in the courtyard and told me he intended to “take care of” any guy that may choose to hurt me. It makes sense now that he told me and Maja that we were his girls.

It also makes sense that Maja would have picked up on the sense I had been abused after seeing John’s reactions to whatever I told him. Maybe I said it outright, maybe I didn’t and he just got enough of a sense of what I was saying to read between the lines. I don’t know – maybe I’ll find out soon if he recalls any other specifics.

For those of you that have been following me for awhile you may be confused by the name change – some of my commentary may sound familiar especially if you’ve read the book… I had changed his name to Jude… Obviously his name is correct in the journal and I didn’t want to confuse anyone further by not matching the name to the images… (which also, by the way, the featured image is our year book from that same year – I am top second from the left, and he is directly below me in the hat.) I’ve written about him/mentioned some of this in this post and this post. To be fair, he also doesn’t go by John anymore – sometimes I forget when we’re talking and I revert back to old habits… But he doesn’t like who he was back then and doesn’t like to go by the name he used all those years ago.

I dunno, John… I liked you heaps. You were always nice to me even when I wasn’t so sure why. Clearly you had a conscience that affected you – especially when it came to things and people you cared about. “…Thank you, John… for clearly being my friend.”

Speaking of journal entries of events I don’t recall… I read a couple of my personal journals that made it through the years as well – still missing some specific ones I wish I still had… but wow. Still a blast from the past and well worth keeping and remembering.

I wrote in my journal that while I was dating my husband I wrote about going out with my friends Brian and Patrick in which I met a guy I described as their creepy friend named Zack. This guy had asked me if I was dating Patrick and when I answered in the negative, he informed me that I was hot and that he wanted me.

I politely declined, letting him know I was in a serious relationship; to which he replied that it shouldn’t matter if I was with someone. (Why the fuck did he care if I was dating Patrick then?) I told him I didn’t have any intention of being with anyone else while I was in this relationship. He replied asking why I let my boyfriend control me…. Followed quickly by the offer to control me himself. He suggested taking a hold of my hair and pulling it while kissing me.

Ewww. Dude.

I’ve talked on this blog before about how I do, in fact, like it a little rough and I honestly do like my hair pulled on occasion… but Fuck Off “Zack.”

After reading this entry, I did kind of remember the occurrence – not many details – but I remember the icky feeling this guy gave me. Since when did a girl wanting to be faithful mean she wants to be controlled? Since when is it okay or even sexy to offer to control a girl you just fucking met? I mean… dude… maybe if you had been smoother about it and maybe if I was otherwise single and somewhat into you I might have gone off with you to get your rocks off… How about in the event of that occurrence – then and only then you can ask me if I want it rough or want my hair pulled? Otherwise *gag.*

For the record, I did actually write “Ewww” in my journal when recounting this individual. Now that I recalled this incident I think it needs to be added to the list of my stories – the stories we as women must tell so that we can teach our sons “not to be creepy assholes.”

To end it on a happier note, though – I also found one other bit of text I wanted to share with you all. Easter 1999 – I received this card from Justin. An instant smile spread across my face and a tear or two stung my eyes. I had all but forgotten I had kept this. It was in the small keepsake box I grabbed and tossed in the truck when we evacuated from Hurricane Katrina… Thank goodness 🙂

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I’ve had some terrible men come across the path in my life’s journey. I’ve had some pass through briefly such as that Zack asshole or the men that attempted to rape me. I’ve had some walk side by side with me for longer – taking the same course for months or years. I’ve had men make me feel terrible about myself, tearing down my self esteem, for far longer than I should have allowed.

Yet, then I’ve had some men that have come into my life that have made me feel truly special. I’ve had a few that actually made/make me happy.

I talk a lot about the men that caused all the negative feelings in me, yes I’ve talked about people like Justin and Andre before… Even Viktor etc etc that were all around decent men… but sometimes I get bogged down with the negatives. This card reminds me to pull my head up and remember that there really has been more good men than bad in my life.

Reminiscing on Christmas 

You guise… you guise… I’m at my mother’s house for Christmas.., the first time since I got married over 13 years ago… and my sisters and I just went through a bunch of pictures… just wanna share a few… my Christmas present to you! 😂😂😂


Clearly I was born with Drama running through my veins


Speaking of, this is me on stage doing a sketch for Drama class in Ethiopia 🇪🇹 


Me being a dead Viking at the ice hotel in jukkasjärvi, Sweden 🇸🇪 


Oh look! My original orange vans! Woo! (Athens, Greece 🇬🇷)


Mauritius 🇲🇺 


Me as a British school girl 


Some hair, hey? (Knaresborough, England 🇬🇧)


Arrived in Lidingö, Sweden 🇸🇪 


In Finland 🇫🇮 with friends


Michael came to visit in Maryland (boy that had a crush on me in Ethiopia 🇪🇹… but I didn’t know till he had moved away)


Me and Justin! Can’t see his face well in this so I guess it’s okay to post it! Lol

Aaaand… I found old Wyatt pics today too…


Even found the sultry pictures I took as a 14 or 15 year old for him to have as I was moving to Ethiopia… probably best not to share those here though…. however, here is the alien 👽 doll he won for me riding my skateboard 😂


Ok just a couple more for now…


Mauritius 🇲🇺 


Sweden 🇸🇪 



My house in Ethiopia 🇪🇹 the whole top floor was mine 😏


Duchess Spot, Princess Snowflake, Lady Licorace – Mauritius 🇲🇺 

Alice Springs, Australia 🇦🇺 

Roland House, represent! Alice Springs, Australia 🇦🇺 

New Zealand 🇳🇿 on a cruise

Alice Springs, Australia 🇦🇺 in a costume my mother made

Sweden 🇸🇪 

Maryland, USA 🇺🇸 


Virginia, USA 🇺🇸 

Okay okay that’s enough for now. I hope you all are having a good holiday with your families as well 😊 Merry Christmas 🎄😘

Fuck, man (or “my feelings taste like donuts”)

…All around “fuck!”

I’m feeling much better about the Wyatt issue from the past two posts… buuut…

I’ve got two things to bitch about and then I promise, off of the downer posts again for a little while. 

First, ok, get this: when I saw Wyatt has two facebook accounts the other day, I noticed we have a mutual friend. When I got back in touch with her years ago she said they weren’t in contact and hadn’t been in a long time, though she was aware he was on facebook. Now they are. This is the same girl that was BFFs with him back in the day and for loyalty to him did not let me know he had been cheating on me any of the times he did it. 

I post a lot of my blog posts on facebook… blocking out certain groups, but I don’t block her.

Now I am petrified that she may have passed along information about this blog to him and the fact I clearly write about him (though his name is changed, she would easily recognise him.)

Goddamit! I mean… FUCK!

Second, I have been eating like crap the past two weeks like “Oh, hello feelings… you taste delicious.”

In case you’re wondering: my feelings taste like donuts and Vanilla Coke.

It’s caught up to me and I feel like shit now. After packout this week I will be sure to get down to kickboxing and BJJ and for the love of Christ stop eating pastries and candy corn.

On that note… I promise profusely again to give you happy thoughts tomorrow LOL 

Not Ever Going To Leave

I’ve mentioned before that I have a keepsake from Wyatt that I have never been able to let go of, even in about 20 years. It is a small glass jug filled with purple glitter from the ren faire….

I never have mentioned, though, that the jug is not the only thing I still have.

This item is not something I think on much usually, because most often it is half hidden in the mess of my daughter’s room. But it’s here. Somewhere along the way I decided to keep the big Winnie the Pooh he bought me one year for Christmas. 

That year, must have been 1996, my grandmother also gifted me the very same Winnie the Pooh, but I had already received this one from Wyatt… so I took the one from her back to the store an exchanged it for a matching Tigger.

Yet, only god knows where that Tigger is now. I’ve kept the bear from an abusive boy and lost the Tigger from a loving family member along the way.

So far I’ve maintained resisting the urge to reach out to him as I mentioned in my last post… but I can’t help but wonder if he even recognised his behaviour. I’m wondering if I was just a royal bitch to drop that message on him a couple years ago telling him I didn’t want a response… Denying him a right of reply.

I’m trying to push the nostalgia feelings away and hold on to the bad memories to keep me strong in the resolve to not contact him.

Fuck, man. 

He’s always going to be a part of me. Even if I eventually get rid of Pooh and the glass trinket… he’s not ever going to leave my head for good.

#WeAren’tJustStats – Guest Post #RapeCulture — The Melodramatic Confessions of Carla Louise

Guest blogged over at Carla Louise’s site again… check out my post “A Woman Only Good for One Thing”

CW/TW: Sexual assault, harassment, abuse, rape NSFW I have recently started a series of blogs following the #TrumpTapes and the #WeAren’tJustStats hashtags on Twitter. The first three, When I Was Twelve, When I Was Thirteen and When I Was Fifteen can be viewed by clicking on the links. In my post We Aren’t Just Stats, there is an explanation as to […]

via #WeAren’tJustStats – Guest Post #RapeCulture — The Melodramatic Confessions of Carla Louise

Intense As…

I have a new friend you guise. Another American that recently moved here, and we have so much in common, it seems. I went to her house yesterday for an Art date (Just sit around and chat while being creative – it’s been a good 7ish years since I’ve had a friend to do that with.)

We got to talking about stuff… as you do… learning about each other’s parents, childhood, past relationships. We talked about blogging and our other creative endeavours over the years.

One thing she said that struck a chord with me is that even though she has had some dramas in her life, she feels like she hasn’t had anything so intense as stories such as David. (I am of the opinion that some of her experiences could be close if not on par with much of my drama…)

I’ve always felt like my life is relatively drama-free compared to other people. At least, maybe, events having been spread out enough that it doesn’t feel as frequent in nature. Sometimes I now think I wish I had more to draw upon for my writing, haha… though I’m sure at the time I wouldn’t appreciate further dramatic events.

I told her I still have a hard time thinking and relaying the fact that I’ve been in abusive relationships and situations – actually calling them as such –  because I know there are women who have had it worse than me, or for longer term than me.

I especially struggle with saying Wyatt was sexually abusive – though I know deep down he had the control and it started as such. Sometimes it feels as though there is some grey area there. I got to a compliant stage and did as was expected. I believed it was right for our relationship after awhile. Sometimes I still feel some fault for that. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I was compliant. I convinced myself eventually that I did want it all. I embraced the “promiscuity.” Sometimes it almost physically hurts to say those words and admit that it wasn’t always my choice; I wasn’t always in control of my own body, or that I was manipulated.

Wyatt was abusive overall. I have no need to explain other events right now – it’s well enough explained in older posts and in my book… But I at least didn’t feel in actual danger with him. If it had gone longer term than the two years I was with him, if it had escalated as we got older, I have no doubt it would have gotten worse and eventually I may have found myself feeling in more immediate danger…

I always call Wyatt “my abusive ex” in real life now because I don’t prefer to use his first name. I referred to him as such to my friend, and then realized after detailing events with David that she might be confused – so I explained in the moment.

As she stated, David drama was intense. David was a whirlwind of just a few weeks and I was married so I never thought of him as an “ex.” We never actually started a relationship as such. But he actually made me feel in danger. He’s the reason I finally took up martial sports; because there is still a fear – remote though the chances may be  – that I would run into him again one day. It hadn’t occurred to me until she stated it that there would be other abused women that think that my story is worse than theirs. I suppose it is the physicality of it. Types of abuse the abused feel they can rationalize away easier; emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse in relationships are harder to wrap our minds around – especially when comparing it to physical domestic violence.

Sometimes I think “If only I had other dramatic events to write about for my blog…” Sometimes I feel like maybe apologizing to you guys for making loops around to the same topics and the same men frequently. On the other hand, people seem to respond well to these stories… My friend said that I am open and make it relatable… so I suppose that’s why.

I’d apologize for writing about Wyatt and David again, but you know… Deep down I’m glad it wasn’t worse. Deep down I’m glad I don’t have further past drama to have lived through and to write about. Deep down I know I was abused, though I still sometimes try to rationalize to myself that it wasn’t that bad.

Deep down, I am still scared of David and I have no other outlet than to tell my stories… and then go kick a punching bag.