Tee hee heeeeeee

My husband came down to the living room where I was sitting, watching TV, to inform me he had a new story for my blog. I had free reign over the words that followed  to share with the masses.

He had just been taking a bath, trying to warm up after a long day out in the cold, rainy, outdoors. He thought about how I commented the other day that his sandy colored hair was soft. As such, he decided he’d try putting conditioner in it just to see if it would become even softer/silkier. It’s not something he usually does.

He picked up my new conditioner that is from Revlon’s new ColorSilk color protect line – for Black.

It was a blue color, which didn’t concern him as he used to use Selsun Blue… So it didn’t seem odd to him. The bottle said to leave it in for five minutes, so he ran it thoroughly through his very red beard and his sandy blond hair.

After a few minutes he noticed a black streak running down his face. He looked down at his beard and his beard was black!

He said he nearly shit himself as he quickly started rinsing it all out… scrubbing as he did so.  It didn’t come out immediately, so he scrubbed his head and face for 10 minutes and still his hair was darker than it should be. He got the majority of his true color back…. but his beard is still a darker red and his hair is still tinted a blue-black:

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AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA…. I giggled to the point of tears again. He was telling me how silly I was the other day about how I still laugh to tears over scaring him over a year ago… I told him this may just make the laugh-to-tears-even-after-years list too… Hahaha!

He said the thing was that he checked the bottle and no where does it say it will color hair… Yet, the shampoo states clearly that it does not color hair… the conditioner did not say either way. So, I guess the moral of the story is… Don’t use the Revlon ColorSilk Color Protect hair shampoos/conditioners unless you actually have dyed your hair that color (or you want to enhance your natural color that matches the version you’ve bought.)

Also…. Bahahahahaaaaaa!

*PS I love him even though he has noted I tend to laugh only at his pain…. …. …

Reblogging Rae: Tell Your Stories (revamped)

Post #6 in my recycling series… only 2-3 more to go, I promise 😉 This one is from September 2015 and the content has been changed a fair bit (the second half deleted and replaced by different content) so it is not actually by rights the same post 🙂

My friend posted a quote on FB for me yesterday. She said it reminded her of me and some of the stuff I’ve said recently about telling my stories.

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories.

If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.”

I’ve said things about telling my stories so others can learn from my mistakes. I had noted an old friend who knew David said she liked my book… and with slight concern I asked her if she was still in touch with him in any capacity. She’s not and told me that he shouldn’t care about events from so long ago, and besides I was nice and concealed his identity. If she wrote a book she would protect the innocent, not the guilty. This Ann Lamont quote just seemed so fitting for me, and I love when people see something that reminds them of you and fits so well – it makes you realize that at least that one person has paid some attention to you in some way or another.

I also strongly believe in telling one’s stories not only for learning from each other’s mistakes, but also to create a sense of community. More than likely if you tell your story, you will find that there are others like you that have experienced similar experiences. It creates a sense of not being alone – and as I have discovered it emboldens others to also tell there stories – or at the least confide in the original story teller. I can’t count how many women have approached me in private to tell me they connect with my accounts of abuse or how many people have come to relay their struggles with depression. Often I get the sense that I am the only person they have told, or at least in a select few.

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For a very long time, I had been ashamed of various parts of my past. This was a hard thing to admit to myself, in all honesty. For a long time I pushed certain things down or brushed them to the side; choosing to ignore them. That wasn’t healthy. I realise that now.

Making the conscious decision not to be ashamed, or at least to fight the sense of shame, I had about the abusive situations I endured has resulted in a cathartic release for me as well as serving as inspiration for other women to open up, even just a little bit, and start their own coping processes. It has resulted in changes for the better in my marriage and, I hope, changes for the better in how I interact with my family as a whole. My writing and frank discussions have also served to cause others to reach out for help for their depression – even in crises.

I like to think, though I have no proof as yet, that writing my stories about events that contributed to rape culture have also assisted in opening some people’s eyes to understanding that side of our society – a side that maybe they didn’t recognise or realise was such an ingrained problem.

This is why I feel we all must continue to tell our stories; to strengthen each other, to embolden the victimised or abused, to make real change in our society where it’s warranted.

 

 

Hey Mum

I pulled into Zinger Coffee & Tea’s drive through just as Bachelor Girl’s song “Buses and Trains” started coming through my speakers. It had been a long time since I’d listened to that song.

I liked it as a teen, but hadn’t really thought much about the song as a whole. But as I grabbed my “Sweet Pea” latte (Caramel and Hazelnut… Don’t ask me why they call it a Sweet Pea… It’s a February special, so likely just a cutesy name related to Valentine’s day) and started to listen a little more closely.

I realised that I related more to this song than I had understood as a teen.

“Hey Mum, why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you teach me a thing or two? You just let me go out into the world; you never thought to share what you knew…”

About a year and a half ago at this point, my mother came to visit me in Australia. I sat down with her in my living room, with a bottle of wine, and asked her some very similar questions.

I had found out about some issues she had had with her relationship with my father. She had since found out about my abusive relationship – basically. I don’t think she even still cares to hear about the specifics. I mean… I can’t blame her for that. I don’t think I’d want to know details if I were her either. Plus… She had been more involved with my littlest sister and getting her out of an abusive relationship in recent years. It would have burdened her more than necessary to know, really.

Yet…

“Hey Mum, why didn’t you warn me? ‘Cause I found boys were something I should have known. They’re like chocolate cake, like cigarettes – I know they’re bad for me, but I just can’t leave them alone.”

“Why didn’t you tell us about you and dad? I wish you had been honest with me about stuff like that.”

She looked me in the eye, with a serious expression, as she picked up her glass of wine. “You really want to know? I’ll tell you whatever you want to know now…”

“I do. …It may not have changed much… But if I had known… If you had been frank with me about this kind of stuff… Maybe I would have made at least some better decisions… Maybe I would have avoided the worst of it.”

My mother nodded as if to say she understood and had taken on board my concerns. She then launched into honestly outlining her side of the relationship.

I must say, I appreciate the candid response she gave me… But at the same time it seemed a little too late. Yet… I honestly can’t say how I would have handled the information had I learned it when I needed it – around 13 years of age. Mainly because the majority of the information had to do with my father.

Still… If I had known… If I had a frank discussion or 12 with my mother, perhaps I could have avoided an abusive relationship, or at the very least lessened it. I might have even avoided dangerous situations (i.e Timmy or David). I’m not saying all of my past problems would have not happened… But perhaps I would have made some better decisions once in awhile. I wouldn’t have believed that controlling behaviour and jealousy meant he loved me. I may not have felt that I owed anyone sexual favours or my very heart.

As it stands, I plan to tell my daughter (and my son) about my past before they start eying the opposite sex. I plan to tell them about the abuse I endured, about the mistakes and the triumphs in my relationships. I plan to tell them about the bad – Wyatt, David… though depending on their age I may sanitize certain aspects… basic info without the detail really. I’ll tell them about the good – Justin, Andre… etc I’ll tell them about the relationships in between – Viktor, Sven… and how they shouldn’t settle and dismiss their feelings for the sake of not hurting otherwise nice people. Yet – it’ll be unacceptable for them to be assholes of course. LOL Gosh, this parenting thing is hard. This may have to be over more than one conversation… I guess I’ll take it as it comes…

So anyway… This morning, I took a sip of my latte and started to sing along:

“So I walked under a bus, I got hit by a train. Keep falling in love – which is kinda the same. I’ve sunk out at sea, crashed my car… gone insane – and it felt so good, I wanna do it again.”

Oh, Bachelor Girl… You get me… Even at 34 I sometimes can’t help but feel that I wanna do it all again… OMG WTF is wrong with me?? 😉

Well hey, I suppose there’s something about the rush. The endorphins, the dopamine… The men whether they’re good or bad for me… and maybe, deep down, I think if I did it again I might make better decisions. But you know what? If I’m honest with myself, I’m not so sure that would be true…. Knowing what I know now, I still am more attracted to the “bad boy;”  like a bad habit. I think maybe I should just not have let myself get a taste of them in the first place…

Now if you’ll excuse me; I have a sudden urge for chocolate cake and a cigarette…

Bring on the Tacky Shit

“I dream he has his hand around my neck, his face close to mine with that determined gaze of his. I know he doesn’t ever think about me anymore. I know that these dreams are irrational, especially now that the likelihood of us ever being in the same city again is slim – that’s what I tell myself anyway when I wake up in a cold sweat.”

That is a quote from the very first post I wrote about St Patrick’s day. The first time I told the world why I’ve hated the holiday so passionately for the past 9 years. (Oh My God, has it really been that long??? Counting… Math… Yup… Had just enough fingers to figure that one out….)

JESUS! 9 Fucking years!? I wrote that post exactly two years ago, February 17, 2015. At that point – 7 years in – it was still especially intense; as you can see. Even so – 7 years was way too long.

Writing that post was the start of working through it. The start of me recognizing in myself what was really going on in my head, as well as why my depression had gotten so much like clockwork – starting every Lenten/St Patrick’s time frame… and lasting through to April usually. Over the past two years, since I’ve been letting all my shit out on the internet and in my books, it’s been steadily getting better. I’ve let a bunch of emotional baggage free – release that shit y’all… Write it out. Talk about it frankly. Does wonders, I tell ya. Also, getting the resolve to actually do something about your own sense of self preservation does wonders in such cases as well… Particularly, as you can tell from the quote above, cases in which you have a deep seated fears – especially those rooted in abusive situations – kickboxing, Jiu Jitsu, MMA… Self -Defense… all those kinds of training classes do wonders as well.

That year was rough, last year was much less so. This year I’ve resolved to get over the hump. I won’t let it be 9 years. Certainly not a decade. I used to adore Irish things in general… Love Celtic music… Irish Gaelic has long been a language I want to add to my list of skills. As a kid I loved the simple pleasure of getting to pinch my sisters if they forgot to wear green on March 17th. Ha… I remember dying my hair and eyebrows green temporarily in 1999 – at the time I was dating Andre. It was supposed to wash out as it was only hair mascara… but my eyebrows seemed to decide that they wanted to hold on to the pigment a tad bit longer LOL.

I didn’t repel from the glittery green this year. In fact, I considered buying something thoroughly tacky. Then I thought, no… Perhaps I would buy something slightly more tasteful. Something that would vaguely remind me of St Patrick’s day, but something I could easily wear anytime of year to remind me of the journey I have taken so far. Remind me that mistakes can be righted, remind me not to beat myself up so much, remind myself never to get involved with a man such as David again. Remind myself never to let a man manhandle me again – not without a fight anyway.

So you wanna see what I got?? 😀

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While this is a Pennsylvania Dutch hex, it has a shamrock on it obviously. Makes it not overtly Irish – I’ve always like Penn Dutch stuff anyway – and hey Shamrock symbolizes luck here – as do the two distelfinks… so double the luck, hey? 😉

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I also ordered this, but it hasn’t arrived yet… Again not outright Irish (It’s an antique Scottish bangle) but if you’ll notice there are shamrocks in the design around the sides.

So there you go. While I’m showing y’all jewelry, I might as well show you the two items I just got in the mail today – bought them with a gift card my father sent me for my birthday. Note on the watch – I was really considering the Ariel (because Red Hair, duh.) or the Goth Tinker Bell (both similar art styles and style of watch (though different metals) to the one below) …Goth Tinker Bell would have been so me as well… But ultimately I decided on Sleeping Beauty because she was always my favorite princess growing up. It also reminded me of a water color I did for girl I knew for her birthday years ago. That little girl adored me and her favorite was Sleeping Beauty as well. I painted it and put it in a frame and she literally squealed when she opened it… and kept it by her bedside… I digress… I’m sorry… anyway:

I also am all about retro cassette tapes – I have a dress and a jansport backpack with cassettes as well as a belt buckle that I need to find an actual belt to use with it. I was seriously considering the earrings that match this necklace as well LOL.

Okay, well I’ll wrap it up now. I’d just like to note about my featured image… I have very much resisted the urge to display my bitstrips/bitmoji crazy here. Haha, when Bitstrips was still an active app (sooo bummed they shut it down) I would annoy the ever living fuck out of my FB friends with it – though… I must say… I was freaking hilarious. It’s a small comfort I still have Bitmoji to use LOL

That being said… I am super tempted to get it all out of my system and prep a post now with a bunch of my old Bitstrips… HAHAHA ….Hmmm……

Memes of the Relationship Persuasion

I’ve been working on this post for awhile. There was a knee jerk reaction to start this and then…  I lost motivation and started to put off my writing in general… But I am back. I am making myself sit and write this as I attempt to get back into the swing of things.

I want to express my disdain for the relationship meme. The issue I have, generally speaking, with such memes as that many many of them give terrible advice. They are pervasive all over the internet and primarily on teenager’s/juveniles social media. I see it relatively often across my facebook newsfeed… I have said it to friends before, and I will say it here as well – many of those that share relationship memes etc appear to me to be 15 years old. Regardless of their actual age… whether they be 16, 18, 26, 28… or older… I just want to say “What, are we in Junior High?” or “Grow the fuck up… That’s not how mature relationships work.”  #Relationshipgoals are also something that bothers me as so many youth – and immature adults – take it as an ideal to strive for an feel that they have failed if they don’t reach that ideal.

While there are of course memes that are from the male perspective – the majority seem to be from the female perspective… I suppose it is because females are more likely to share them and obsess over relationships/relationship ideals/DRAMA. Regardless it is a shame at how much is put into a girl’s consciousness that a man should bow to her whims and make her happy more than making concerted efforts to make him happy or understand the essence of being male. (Like memes about being annoyed he hasn’t noticed your new hair do – Men legitimately, very often do not notice aesthetics such as that. Unless it is a drastic change don’t expect him to notice or care. Hell, I sometimes take a few days to notice when my husband gets a haircut or what have you…) It seems there are memes a plenty pointing out the behaviour of women that baffle men – that should tell us something, ladies. Experience should tell us something as well (given I grew up through my past relationships without Facebook inspirational or relateable quotes, it can be done!) That men simply do not think the same way women do in general. If he seems to not know why you’re mad – he legitimately doesn’t know why you are mad.

Anyway, I have gone and collected several terrible memes to point out and bitch about feel the need to explain in one way or another. I will also periodically point out some that actually are good in my opinion – though I don’t believe our youth should be learning about relationships from memes, if they must prevail we should be trying to get more decent ideas out there and/or bring up the discussion when they share or like others that are crap.

No. Just fucking no. Look at how many memes there are in support of Jealous behaviour! And that’s not even all of them I came across… I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Jealousy looks terrible on you. Jealousy does not equal love. Period. Jealousy is about control. My fucking abuser was a Jealous man…. JEALOUSY DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE. IT IS NOT HEALTHY. I can’t wax lyrical that jealousy is not a hard emotion to fight or keep down, it may be a natural reaction when you are afraid of losing someone… but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to act on the impulses. It’s not okay to emotionally abuse or attempt to control another person. If they want to be with you they will be with you. If they want to cheat or walk away, they will. That’s life. That’s part of navigating the the waters of relationships. Some work, many do not. Bad behaviour and, again, jealousy is unbecoming and makes you just as much of a problem in a bad relationship as perhaps the other person might be if they actually give reason to cause you to react as such.

It doesn’t matter if you are their significant other, that does not give you any right to look through their phones, or demand passwords to their social media, or give them any other demands on their autonomy as a person.

Also, side note about the Animal Crackers meme – it actually does not make sense?? My husband told me awhile ago that when a guy says a girl looks like Animal Crackers, it means she is so hot that he “wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers” which is a related phrase I’ve also heard elsewhere…

That being said – here is some other memes which should replace and multiply over the previous ones…

Jealous behaviour is obviously one of my major pet peeves – obviously since I’ve written about it before. I also have a huge issue with the Psycho Girlfriend idea – not cute nor funny ladies. This next group of images is a bit of a mashup of MESS….

There’s psycho behaviour, there is glorification of abuse… and the more subtle ones that while are not immediately objectionable – they are fodder for self importance in a relationship and as the “Marilyn Monroe” quote (not something she actually said…) has been used by many accounts by abusive women who quote it back at their abused partners. Bad behaviour is bad behaviour. Your “worst” is not excused simply because you believe your man should love you regardless and he wouldn’t otherwise deserve your “best.” When your worst is abusive, then your best is just you cycling him through – guess what? – The cycle of abuse. You then don’t deserve him, not the other way around.

Instead, consider these:

These speak for themselves as far as I am concerned. Treat your relationships – and your life – with some maturity, use discerning thought, some critical thinking… and a healthy dose of reality.

Now for another set of memes I have an issue with – re: exes –

OH GROW THE FUCK UP. Automatic assumptions that exes are trash, or not worthy of your friendship, or any of those stupid “rules” (NO! There are no “rules” in a relationship except don’t fucking abuse each other! All else is dependent on individual cases and what works for that couple. Ask yourself… Who made up these rules? Why would you assume they are hard and fast rules? Even if you agree with the sentiment, what makes you think it’s a “rule” that can be enforced on your partner or friend? (AGAIN with the jealousy “shouldn’t be talking to anybody that used to like you…” etc etc BULLSHIT.))

Not all relationships end in friendship. That would be naive of me to make a sweeping statement to the contrary. But it is most certainly not a rule that exes should be generally avoided or hated.

Some relationships end on negative terms. For example, I am no longer remotely friends or have contact with my abusers. Even with Andre, a man I loved dearly and when we broke up with no animosity – I couldn’t bear to be friends with him for many years simply because it hurt my heart too much. However, as time passed – 13 years to be precise – we reconnected and can thoroughly enjoy being friends without any lingering feelings being harbored. Justin and I have remained very good friends as well – and neither of our spouses are jealous because there is absolutely no reason to be. I am, in fact, on friendly terms with all of them except the two abusers.

Again, let’s vanquish the idea that exes are trash or dangerous to future relationships and all of that. It is all relative to individual situations. Don’t be friends with an ex if it’s right for you, but remain friendly and mature to others that are worth it to you – regardless of what future partners may think. Don’t allow them to dictate to you who your friends can and can’t be. That, again, is not love – it’s jealousy and control.

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Gosh, this post is getting long… Probably should have split this into two posts… Oh well, lol. Might as well just get this rant out! Next… on to more “rules”:

So much wrong here. Please, youth, please don’t automatically believe or relate to memes that give rules or facts or whatever – get life advice from your parents or *ahem* cadet leaders or other trusted adults, not your computer screen. And also keep in mind some “adults” nowadays also take their advice from these memes (can you see me rolling my eyes?) so take care who you get advice from and take it with a grain of salt regardless… consider the advice and compare against your relationship before taking actions.

I also want to note here as well – Unstable after 3 relationship status changes? Soooo… In a relationship, not in a relationship, in a relationship…. Soooo more than one relationship means you’re unstable? Bullshit. Especially as youth – dating is for practice. Practice relationships, get experience… don’t take things so seriously.

Also, things like what your ex is thinking when he texts or how seriously a guy takes you because of a preferred sexual position are assumptions and ridiculous. They of course may fit some situations – but that by far does not make it a rule that fits all situations. And AND being happily married or in a happy relationship has no bearing on fashion choices or level of flirting. Many people are naturally flirtatious and that does not mean they are not happy in their relationship or that it is in danger.

Alright, I’ve ranted long enough. I just want to end it on this: those of you that share these, if you act like you are a relationship expert based off of such ideas then you are no relationship expert. If you base your relationship expectations off of such ideas or the many “Relationship Goals” you will invariably end up disappointed at one point or another – at least until you grow up and recognise lessons you hopefully will have learned in previous relationships.

Don’t commiserate and feel sorry for yourself when a relationship goes sour. I’m not saying don’t take time to mourn a loss, or deal with your emotions. But work through it and move on. Don’t post shit all over social media blasting your partner or ex or even friends for doing you a perceived wrong. That is very fucking immature and says more about you than the alleged wrongs they did you. It does more damage to a relationship than it does to fix it or drive your point home. It does not endear them back to you and basically burns your bridges should you ever want to make things better. I have had to call out teenagers for this by private messaging the offending party. Especially when I know both parties – I will always speak up.  Luckily, my youth were always willing to speak with me and accepted the fact that I have had much more experience in such things. You are also no better than anyone else because you have had less relationships or longer term relationships (doesn’t mean they had more substance…)

I don’t call myself a relationship expert, and I have always prefaced advice to my youth with the fact that I acknowledge that all relationships are different and they must take my advice with a grain of salt and with consideration to their own relationship. Only they really know how their relationship works; I can only tell them what I would do in a given situation. The thing is – utilise maturity, take time to think don’t give in to impulse emotions, treat your partner with respect, treat your partner as you want to be treated. Forgive, don’t play the blame game, listen, don’t dwell on the past… Work through issues if it is worth it to work through for you, if it’s not worth it don’t waste you and your partner’s time… Either put up or shut up… Break up or let it go. Basically, relationships take common sense to navigate – not fucking memes.

And sometimes they just don’t work out and that is OK.

Ignoring the Negativity

Ignore the featured picture… Well, no… Don’t ignore it – but take note that it doesn’t really have much to do with this post. Except… It makes me happy. It is an Alphonse Mucha image and I don’t know if I’ve said it before, but Mucha is my favorite artist. (Shoot! I should have kept that as a fact to share next time I get one of those blog awards that demand to know stuff about me Haha.)

Anyway, I think I’m kind of down in the dumps again. Not really a depression… But perhaps an adjustment period I guess among other things.

One thing that I suddenly realised today was that I think the Winter season is affecting me negatively. On one hand it’s nice to have the snow again… Real snow that sticks around and reminds me of Sweden. People walking out on Lake Michigan reminds me of skating in Lidingö or skating and long distance skiing out at Borka with Svea.

You know what else is reminding me of Sweden? An early sunset. Not quite as early as in Scandinavia – but 4:30 PM is still much earlier than I’ve known for years.

I used to think that my excessive sleeping as a teenager was just that – being a teenager that required more sleep. The days were dark and cold, my room was in the basement and that blocked out all light regardless of the season or time of day. The perfect place to flop onto my bed and move nary a muscle for the next 12 hours.

Often it was as soon as I returned home from school; often I didn’t get up in time for my first class the next day.

I now see a similar pattern starting again. I go to bed close to my usual time at night, get up to get the kids ready for school and get them on the bus… and then flop right back into bed. I may stay awake for an hour or so answering messages or playing on my phone and then I fall back to sleep. Today I didn’t get back up until an hour or so before it was time to get the kids from the bus. The last few days I had at least a couple hours awake before hand…

Fuck. I have no motivation. I am just so tired all the time… always was, but its worse now. I feel like a teenager again. I mean… I wanted to be a youth again, but not like this! LOL

On top of the likely Seasonal Affective Disorder I’m dealing with (where is my Dad’s light therapy lamp when I need it?), there is the lack of mobility (no car yet, so I can’t go anywhere during the week when Hubby is working… hopefully that will be remedied this weekend), there is the lack of local friends yet and a lack of a way to really make any just yet…

I’m also becoming more disillusioned with Social Media, not really on the whole – but portions of my social media life have just become so negative lately. Ugh. When one is struggling to stay above board and not let the “sads” in one does not need to deal with negativity, self righteousness, or judgemental opinions – even when they are not aimed at oneself. The US Political climate aside (That is a whole ‘nother depressing note… it’s just getting worse and worse as inauguration day nears), there were too many people I’ve had to hide from my newsfeed or groups I’ve had to leave for my own sanity and to make my mental space a better one.

I just don’t understand why people, though they may not agree, can’t take a moment to consider the other side of things. Consider the people behind the opposing view – especially when that view is not outright racist or homophobic or just plain hateful in general. Respect is what we need to get our heads around. Respect that others have different world views, different points of view and may not realise how upsetting their thought process may be to you. Even so – explain your point of view, maybe they’ll get it – maybe they won’t – but half of the instances I see lately are someone hell bent on being the judge and jury and bringing someone else down a peg or more.

I pointed out the need for some understanding and giving someone a chance to have a right of reply today – and I was told that my response was like a Trump supporter’s (important to note that this conversation had nothing to do with politics.) Since when is trying to see both sides and give someone the benefit of the doubt, and talk to them directly about your concerns, before trying to destroy their career an act akin to a “Trump Supporter”???

Ugh. I noped out of there real quick over that, after giving them a piece of my mind. Fucking low blow and clearly displayed a level of intolerance too often shown these days. Don’t agree with me? “Trump supporter!” or “Libtard!” or whatever is the opposite on the political spectrum said in the most derogatory fashion they can muster.

I don’t need that shit. I’m dealing with enough of my own.

Honestly, I love facebook – it allows me to stay connected with my friends worldwide as well as my family that is scattered everywhere. It allows me to keep up with main events in people’s lives and them in mine. Those that aren’t on facebook I have a hard time remembering what they know or don’t know when I periodically email… I know a lot of people hate facebook… but for this purpose it works quite well. But now I need to scale back. I’m not going on a deleting of friends spree or anything like that, but people are steadily being hidden from my newsfeed as I deem fit and most groups are going to be left.

I’ve found much more positivity here on WordPress anyway… even when our topics are not all that pleasant, there is in my experience a much better camaraderie and support system – much better and understanding conversations. Thank you all for being so awesome 😉

Anyway, to finish on a more happy note… Some more of my favorite Mucha images, enjoy:

 

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You may notice the similarities to my header image – I modeled that sketch after this one while doing a Mucha study 🙂

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The Grand Scheme of Things

In a few weeks I turn 34. Logically I know that is not all that old…. But maybe it’s Karma because I called Justin “old” when he turned 34 yesterday – same as Dane when he turned 34 in October. But now… Siiiiggghhh… I’m starting to feel old myself. Really, it’s not so much a feeling of being old, but rather more of a sudden realization that these 34 years have passed rather quickly it seems and if the next 34 goes just as quickly then I suddenly will be old! 68! Ah! All that much closer to my 80s or 90s! Is this what a midlife crisis feels like? I’m not quite at “midlife” yet am I? AM I???!!!

No, seriously though I’m not actually freaking out THAT much… It’s just an unsettling thought process I’ve had so far. Especially after having done so much reminiscing this last week with all the journals and pictures pulled out of storage.

Looking back at how young and thin I was… Looking back at how much potential I had. Looking back and realizing how misguided I was in thinking I was chubby at times or not as attractive as the other girls that surrounded me. I have since had a couple men tell me that in looking at my old pictures, that I was an attractive teenager and I would have been a girl they would have pursued had they known me at that time. Flattering, yes… and now I have more of the capacity to actually trust their words.


I wish I hadn’t been so self doubting back then. I wish I was able to actually believe that certain guys actually cared for me… Actually loved me as they said… or actually found me beautiful. While I clearly had a handful of romantic conquests, I distrusted their intentions for the most part. I distrusted that their flattery was genuine – I assumed I was perhaps a passing fancy or something to keep them occupied until another better option came along.

Perhaps, I was wrong. Perhaps, my self-esteem was that damaged that I was deluded in the perception of myself. I suppose most teenage girls struggle with similar issues. Hey, I only just learned in recent years that Maja struggled with similar self-doubts – and my perception of her was of a ridiculously gorgeous girl that had many many boys to choose from. {That’s why you didn’t need Ludde, Maja! Shoulda kicked that asswipe to the curb a lot sooner! 😉 }

I also wish I maybe made some different life choices along the way… Slept with more men… I’ve mentioned that before… hmmm… Finished college earlier… Gotten that tattoo… Traveled back to/lived in Europe again – particularly Scandinavia… Gotten more fit/strong… maintained my weight/lost it and kept it off …etc etc etc…

So now I will soon be starting the next 34 years of my life. Looks like I have a lot to accomplish, and perhaps not that long in which to accomplish it. Not that long in the grand scheme of things… Not that long if I let the years slip through my fingers again.

I don’t want to suddenly be 68 or 80 or whatever and realize that I never did what I intended to do nor felt the way I perhaps should have about myself. I don’t want to wake up one day and feel like my life had been lived in vain.