Birthday Twin, part 2

At the request of Colin and Klutzy, I have returned with the follow up story from yesterday’s post now that Jason (the Hubs) has agreed that there should be no issue sharing it since I hid identities.

So. You ready? 😉

While we had been living in New Orleans, at a certain point Jason and his coworkers all had to go live in Mississippi for 6 months (until the company then decided to move their project there indefinitely.) This was 12 years ago now.

During this time period of temporary assignment, I would stay in NOLA over the week for work and then travel to Mississippi (about an hour and a half to two hour drive) to spend the weekend with the hubs.

This time period is when the story of the heinous birthday twin woman took place.

Apparently, as Jason tells it, he had the sense that their marriage was not going well (even before the temporary move) because she treated her husband “much the same” as she had treated me. I take this to mean that she was likely a narcissist as well as a hoarder and whatever other negative personality traits she had. I can’t comment on if there were any reasons on his end that it may not have been going well – but he seemed to be a dejected, beat down sort of man when he was around her.

Jason said that while they rarely hung out while in Mississippi, he did understand that this guy dreaded the weekends in which he would return to NOLA to spend at home. It became a thing he only did because of the need to see his children; his wife being an unfortunate side effect.

At some point, the guy gave up and though he was supposed to go home one Friday evening, he did not show up at his house in NOLA. So on the Saturday evening, she drove her kids to Mississippi to confront him at his apartment… But he wasn’t there. I don’t know what she did in between… Where she stayed, but supposedly she (and the children) waited for him and by Monday morning he still hadn’t come back to his apartment.

Now, I know my first thought would have been “OMG Something must have happened to my husband!” Right? Who wouldn’t think that? Okay, possibly you think along the lines of cheating at some point… But after him not being at his apartment where you would otherwise expect him to show up when he wouldn’t expect you there… then… accident on the way to New Orleans? Should you call hospitals? MIA for three days!

Well, Monday morning Jason went out to his truck to leave for work. By the way – he usually started work between 6 and 6:30 AM… so it was very early. There was a car parked perpendicular to the back of his truck. He assumed it was someone parking briefly, because who in their right mind would park like that for more than a few minutes?

Well, he waited and waited, yet the car did not move. So he got out to ask the person in the car to get out of his way so he could get to work. This is when he recognised it was her and her two kids.

She hopped out of the car and got in his face screaming about her husband not being there and that he must be cheating on her. She made accusatory gestures such as poking him in the chest and accusations to the effect of Jason letting him step out on her or something.

He remained calm and told her that he was her husband’s supervisor, not his keeper. He told her to calm down and he had no idea where he had gone.

He got back in his truck and she got back in her car before starting to move forward. So Jason started to back out and she threw her car into reverse and stopped him again. Jason waited for about ten minutes, in the meantime he tried calling the guy to come take care of this shit so he could get to work – yet the guy did not answer.

Finally Jason got back out of his truck again and the woman flew into further rage, accusing Jason of calling to warn her husband she was there.

All the while, of course, her children were sobbing in the back seat.

Again, he remained calm and told her that no – he hadn’t answered, but he had called to have him come take care of his woman. He then told her if she did not leave immediately he would be next calling the police.

She then left, finally, all while pointing at him with a grimace on her face.

Once he got to work, he called the husband into his office and locked the door. he told him in no uncertain terms that it was against company policy to get involved in employee’s personal business, but it was his wife that had made it Jason’s business. He then said the guy could take the afternoon off to handle the situation – because if she brought it to the company again by involving him or anyone else in their marriage then it would negatively effect the guy’s career. (i.e security issues would affect his ability to be employed by the company.)

Jason said that was the last he spoke of it, until he told me the story a couple evenings ago. He was aware; however, that that afternoon they officially became separated and the guy started dating some police woman in that town for about three months… At some point he and the wife started marriage counseling and gave it another go around that three month mark.

After that, the few times Jason saw that woman, she shuffled her feet and refused to acknowledge or look at Jason. He wasn’t sure if she hated him or was just embarrassed by her previous behaviour.

Honey, you best have been embarrassed….

 

 

What Constitutes Cheating?

I am off to start my move to Wisconsin in the morning… it’ll take a few days to get there so I’ll have no real time for blogging for a little bit… so I’m throwing this one up quickly while I have a chance.

I’ve had a few discussions with friends lately about my sex life etc and I thought I’d share some thoughts surrounding those conversations… just because… hey, why not? Right?

I know some of my views would be pretty controversial – especially if discovered by anyone still in the evangelical culture. I was telling someone just today about how shamed I was for my “promiscuity” as a teen and thought I had gotten over it until a year or two ago when I was shamed again for the title of my book. Literally shamed over “That Boy Gave Me Cooties,” without even asking what it was about. Ha, that friend responded so cleverly that it was just like the religious to literally judge a book by it’s cover… I hadn’t thought of it that way before!

I was hurt all over again… it still stings if I’m honest… but I didn’t come here to talk about that…

Though I do wonder if my views on sex/my sex life would have been markedly different had I not been shamed over and over by the church.

Anyway, I have since realised that I clearly have a very different attitude to sex and relationships than most people I know. While the idea of monogamy is a nice ideal, I’ve come to believe that it’s not as natural as we all attempt to make it. Sometimes I think I would be better suited to a polyamorous relationship, for instance, and I am positive just about all of my friends and family would be horrified. And of course my husband would not be down for any such arrangement… so… I stay monogamous.

This has also brought upon discussions about the varying degrees of “cheating,” what constitutes cheating, and how different people’s views on such are.

For instance, I know several men who would get ripped a new one if their girlfriend or wife caught them looking at or being overly friendly to another female…. let alone anything else that might be considered worse.

On the other hand, I could give a rat’s ass that my husband might want to look at other women or even peruse porn. If I caught him doing such he would not “be in trouble” like other men I know.

He told me once, years ago, that he would expect I would have crushes on other men -it’s only natural- as he too would have crushes on other women… the key in his mind was to bring the sexual energy home to each other.

It took me a long time to wrap my head around it, as I have been with a couple very jealous men before… I honestly did not trust him. I did not trust him not to get angry if I admitted the crush I had at the time.

I have now since realised I do have my crushes, he has continued to have his… I’ve relaxed and realised if he were to get angry then it would be a double standard and it would be something that I could refuse to accept.

Since that realisation I have also started to believe that my natural flirtatious behaviour is not so shameful. I’ve also come to believe that in the strain of that thought process, if flirting, crushes, getting off on porn is all okay… then having someone – a friend, a crush, whatever – to talk dirty with or sext with would also not be considered “cheating” if you again bring the raised libido you acquire back to your partner.

My little sister was clearly shocked I would say such a thing over Christmas… LOL 

The main debate in my head then, is what constitutes cheating then? The physicality of it all is what would be unacceptable in a monogamous relationship – at least to most people.

Again, I waver on this. I suppose it really depends on the couple and how committed they are to only sleeping with each other the rest of their lives or at least the length of their relationship.

I honestly believe in this point in my life I would be cool with a more open situation. I know hubby would never go with it… but in my mind cheating vs no cheating comes down to respect. Respect me enough to tell me that you need a change of pace for a little bit. Respect me enough to tell me prior to sleeping with someone else. Respect me enough to take special care not to bring STDs home… Respect me enough to not hold me to a different standard.

Then I wouldn’t consider it cheating.

Why do we hold so dear to what seems so unnatural as to cling to these strict relationship constructs?

But, again, I seem to be in the minority in this opinion. Those I’ve come across that seem to think along the same lines as me often are affected by these constructs because so many more possible partners want to lock down in completely monogamous relationships and deny all of our natural impulses.

Monogamy itself is not the issue in my mind… fine, only sleep with your partner… but why not give in to some basic natural instincts if it then releases some tension and brings the libido back to your monogamous bed?

What do you guys think? Anyone out there even remotely agree??

Come on, dude. WTF?

When I was 25, later in the year after shit went down with David and then Dane and they were gone – I had one of my good friends invite me over to meet her new boyfriend. I had told her I wasn’t feeling well (turns out I was pregnant with my first child, but didn’t yet know that.)

She insisted and said that we’d just hang out at her place and take it easy. She just really wanted me to meet her new guy. She was in the midst of a divorce – her husband had been a military man and a serial cheater. Finally it was falling apart and she had taken up with a new guy.

I agreed because it seemed so important to her that I meet him and apparently like him too.

Minutes after I arrived, another guy arrived too. Boyfriend introduced him to me and said something like he had REALLY wanted to meet me.

Umm… Ok? Like how would he even know he’d want to meet me?

This guy was in his 30s, wore a backwards baseball cap, and had baggy jeans with TuPac’s image printed on the left leg. Classic white guy trying to look gangsta… and much too old for that shit, in my mind. He was instantly flirtatious.

I was told he worked for a carpet cleaning service along with the boyfriend…. and had been doing it for several years.

I apologized, because I’m too polite I guess, and said that I wasn’t interested. I told him I was married.

Boyfriend seemed to have known that, but apparently assumed my husband was military and therefore open to be cheated on.

Come on, dude. WTF?

He asked me where my husband was.

“About two miles down the road… at home.”

“Oh!” He looked surprised…. But then said we could still party or go do something.

I don’t know if I audibly sighed… But I felt like one big sigh at that moment.

I told them I wasn’t interested in doing anything and that I wasn’t feeling well anyway.

I was so annoyed. I dunno if boyfriend assumed I’d want to cheat simply because he assumed I was a military wife as well or because friend had mentioned the David shit to him.

I didn’t say this to them because I have tact, but I was seriously thinking “What the Hell…” I know this is about to sound snobby, but I don’t know how else to phrase it… I thought if I was going to cheat again, I would want to be damn sure I was ready to throw everything else away. If that were to occur, I wouldn’t throw it away for a carpet cleaner.

Don’t get me wrong, I respect people that work in the service industry. You do what you gotta do… But my husband had a good job and ambition. Apparently, if I wanted to, I could get with Officers – why would I even think of stepping out with this man?

Besides which I had gotten myself so sick over doing my husband wrong earlier that year anyway. I was not about to even attempt to do that to him again – regardless of the stature of man that might propose anything illicit to me.

As I walked out the door, my friend came and hugged me and said she was sorry – she hadn’t been aware that her boyfriend was going to do that.

Later, when they got more serious, I couldn’t abide by them being together. She thought it was because I objected to her divorce or something. No… It wasn’t that. I wouldn’t begrudge her leaving a man that cheated on her so much and brought repeated STDs home… I objected because I thought she could do so much better. I guess when a girl is in love, her friends opinions don’t matter as much.

A Disappointing Revelation ft. MAJA ;)

Maja and I had a good chat last night – talking about a range of things for nearly two hours, so I can’t relay the whole conversation. At least, not all together at the moment, haha.

But one thing we talked about reminded me of some events during High School I thought I’d tell you guys about.

I started Gymnasium as an International Baccalaureate student in Year 1 (10th Grade). It was ’99 and for that first full semester I stayed in IB1 though I had quickly decided it wasn’t for me – I wanted to join the ES line which heavily focused on social studies as well as allowed more arts in the curriculum – namely theatre class being what I wanted to be able to take.  The ES line being exactly the same curriculum as the S line – except that ES was taught in primarily English.

So I was biding my time on the waiting list for a transfer.

In the meantime, I went ahead and did my classes as best I could because I didn’t know how long it would take, and didn’t want poor grades on my record even though many of the IB classes wouldn’t particularly count towards an ES diploma.

One class I had to take, naturally, was IB math. I had distaste for that teacher nearly from the start – not only was he someone who couldn’t engage a classroom (Maja reckons he spoke like the teacher from Southpark… Mmmkaaay), but primarily he turned me off the moment he criticised me in front of the class for my father ordering the required TI-83 calculator from anywhere other than through him even though it was cheaper from my father’s source.

This man was also the computer programming teacher and, towards the end of the semester, he decided for some reason to take us all to the computer lab to learn Microsoft Excel.

Let me explain a few things here first:

  1. It was not in the curriculum for our class, if I recall correctly it was simply because our usual classroom couldn’t be used for some reason so he decided it would be easier to do computer stuff.
  2. As it was not in the curriculum and I took no other computer courses, nor had need of the computer labs for homework and such – I did not apply for a computer pass at the beginning of the year. The school made you apply for them – they were not just automatically assigned – and people only applied for them if they had a need.
  3. I already fucking knew how to use Excel

So we went to this new location one day, he droned on about Excel – teaching nothing new to me – but I still paid attention and followed along on my neighbour’s computer. No issues.

The next class he took us there again because he said he needed to finish that lesson or something. Again, teaching me nothing I didn’t already know – but I followed along regardless with my neighbour. At one point in the 3 hour class, he walked behind me and realized I wasn’t logged on to the computer. He snapped at me to log in and do the work. I explained to him for reasons stated above, I don’t have a log on – but I have been following along just fine, and honestly, I already used Excel proficiently.

He became increasingly rude and verbally abusive – I told him he had no right to speak to me that way, besides which this wasn’t in our curriculum – so he had no recourse when expecting me to have a log on. Up until this point I hadn’t even needed one.

He then yelled something to the effect of if I wasn’t going to participate in his class then maybe I should leave.

I stood up, looked him dead in the eye, and said “My pleasure,” and walked out of the class with my head held high.

At that point, I hadn’t met Maja yet, but she told me last night she remembered that.

“How could you remember that? We didn’t meet till the next semester… I was in IB when that happened.”

“I know, but everyone was talking about it. They were amazed that ‘Rachel walked out of’ his class. …I remember thinking ‘Who is this Rachel chick??’ Haha.”

Who knew? I knew my immediate class was a little scandalized – but didn’t know people that I didn’t even know were talking about it.

After I walked out, I never went back. I went to the principal and told him what happened and rightly informed him I had no intention of returning to that man’s classroom. Mr Powers told me that my transfer had been approved for ESb to start the next semester anyway – and as the IB math class was not a requirement for ES, he approved my absence for those last remaining weeks.

However, my BFF Anneke copped it every time I didn’t show up. He yelled at her primarily, but also other known good friends wanting to know where I was.

Luckily, I never again had to deal with the man. Maja did take computer programming in Year 3, however; and said she actually got on okay with him – even though she rarely went to class.

At this point in the conversation is when I learned something deeply disappointing about my best friend… read on, though I’m sure your heart will break just as mine did…

She told me how she was going to fail because of her absences unless she proved to this teacher that she had the necessary programming skills.

She pulled out her graphing calculator and showed him how she programmed it to help her cheat in Calculus…. That girl’s balls are bigger than mine, I tell ya… She is so lucky he didn’t rat her out, and that she did in fact pass Computer Programming.

“You programmed your calculator so you could cheat Calculus??”

“Yep.”

Oh Maja… … … WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU DO THAT FOR ME??!!!”

“Haha, what??”

“Your best friend… Your best friend was having trouble with Calculus… and you didn’t even offer to program her calculator!”

“Hahahahahaha,” she laughed at me.

“I failed that class you know!”

“What? You failed?”

“Yeah, don’t you remember? I failed initially, had to study all summer, and then take a makeup final at the beginning of Year 3… I barely squeaked by with a pass.”

“Oh, I didn’t realize that…”

“Silver lining was that Will tutored me that summer…  because, well… Will… BUT STILL! … My best friend… God…”

We talked a bit about that teacher and how bad he had been at teaching (mumbling at the board when explaining, and treating you like an idiot if you didn’t get it the first time). I told her that it was so hard to study that summer because I was so lost in the subject that I forgot what was needed – studying parts of Calculus I didn’t need and missing other topics I did need. Will was good at teaching, and I would have sudden revelations and understanding of the material… only to lose it a day or two later.

I had a nice teacher I didn’t know proctor the exam the next year, and while I barely passed, she offered to let me study a couple more weeks and try to bring the grade up.

“No thanks.”

She looked at me confused, like why wouldn’t I want a better grade?

“Look, I studied all summer… I doubt two weeks would do much. It’s not worth the stress to me.”

Luckily, Year 3 in ES saw no more math classes.

I did, however; for the second and last time walk out of a teacher’s class and go to Mr Powers to inform him of my refusal to return. This time it was Darren’s PE class. …But that is a whole different story.

(Post Script: I was not the kind to actually cheat in class… though I’m sure I would have seriously considered it for Calculus… I was struggling that much.)

Seriously. Stop it.

I have a pet peeve… not so much a pet peeve I suppose; more something that initially annoys me and then makes me feel sorry for people – in the end not affecting my personal feelings terribly much.

But as I write about relationships sometimes – and have so far become that person for several people to ask relationship advice of – I thought I’d share my two cents on the matter.

You may or may not agree with me and as I always tell my advice seekers (mostly friends and my youth cadets) that I can only give advice based off of what I am told/can perceive but that it doesn’t mean my opinion will work in every situation. Take it with a grain of salt, consider it, and then decide for yourself what you think to be the best course of action – after all, you (generally) know your significant other better than I do.

That being said, I have been told that my advice is generally sound and have had people tell others to “Go talk to Rae, she’s good with this stuff.” Haha…

So anyway, I’ve come across a common problem again and thought I’d share my two cents with you all. Take it, leave it… Whatever… At least you’ll know where I stand on the matter.

For fuck’s sake ladies.

Come on now with the automatic jealousy. I get it, I do… a lot of guys do have their heads easily turned, and there may very well be plenty of ladies that want to attempt to take your man… But when you make it so that he can’t acknowledge female friends in public or add female friends to his social media without fear of upsetting you… or feel the need to drop their female friends in favour of the hopes to keep you as a girlfriend… Well, you look insecure. You also appear controlling and make him appear pussy-whipped. We all know here what I think of controlling men; my feelings are much the same when it’s reversed. Don’t fucking do it.

Insecurity is an ugly bitch. Don’t let her make you appear so yourself.

If a guy is gonna cheat, he’ll do it anyway. He’ll find a way to hide it from you. So don’t punish the decent guys that have no intent to cheat… and, please…. What’s the harm in noticing other girls if he’s not being vulgar to them or actively ignoring you in favour of them? What’s the harm if he’s ultimately coming home to you? (Please trust I do not expect a double standard, if you are comfortable with it that way, then he should be comfortable when the roles are reversed.)

I’ve mentioned before I lost a good friend, Thomas, to a woman like that. She forced him to cut it off completely. I’ve had a couple instances similar – especially when it comes to meeting new people and the guy seems really nice, but then shuns me when his girlfriend finds out he met me.

Pär snuck around to still talk to me occasionally, fighting with her sometimes, until eventually his fighting spirit was broken… Then I lost him too. To be fair, I suppose, I don’t think his intentions were completely pure – but still, we had only ever been friends in reality.

But ladies, also please note, that if this guy’s female friend is very important to him, he will keep her as best he can. He might hide her from you. Is that what you’d prefer?

I’ve been in that situation too. Dane, in fact, has done that with me simply to avoid arguments.

I wrote about her briefly before; not sure if I stated anything particularly about this before. I don’t remember now if I left them up or made them private when I did the clean up – so let me reiterate:

This woman. This woman… Thought that after dating him for just a month or so could come in and tell him not to speak to his BFF of 7 or 8 years.

Was this bitch even serious? I was the one who advised him to pursue her over another girl, even. I had initially been on her side. She never met me, but was so obviously insecure that she felt the need to yell at him if he picked up a phone call from me in her presence. Because I was a woman. That’s all. She was clearly threatened by me (as she should be acting like that.)

She was lucky I did not make a mission of getting rid of her. I said my piece to Dane, but had since made it a rule not to actively rid him of ridiculous women. I’ve had my hand in his break ups before – he holds my opinion and his sister’s opinion of women very highly. But this one – I said my piece, but told him he needed to make the decision on his own and I would support whatever he felt was right. (I decided I no longer wanted to be that person that might be standing in his way. I decided I don’t want him to end up resenting me… though in the past he has always ended up agreeing with my assessments.)

So this woman told him not to answer calls from me. So you know what he did? He told me to call him in the mornings when he was getting ready for work. We’d chat while he drove to work, while he drank his coffee… while he was putting his pants on… whatever. Is that better? She’d rather us talk as he’s getting out of the shower and putting pants on?

Oh Baby.

Hahaha.

There was a whole lot else I didn’t like about this woman as the relationship wore on, but this directly affected me and it pissed me off that I couldn’t call him whenever I damn well pleased… and I respected his request because I didn’t want him to cop it from her if I called at inopportune times. He wouldn’t have picked up anyway, but he still wouldn’t have heard the end of it if she saw me on the caller ID.

Now.

Guess who is still in his life and who isn’t?

So I feel sorry for these boys. It annoys me when I find out there is such a situation, especially when I meet new people, but then I end up feeling sorry for him and ultimately sorry that these women must be so freaking insecure. The annoyance only really stays with me when it affects me on an ongoing basis like it did with Dane. Though the more I encounter it, the more annoying it gets.

So, there you go ladies. Stop it. Seriously. Stop it. It’s gonna start pissing me off for real soon.

If a guy is gonna cheat, he’s gonna cheat. Let him… and move on to someone else that won’t. There are good guys out there that can legitimately be friends with other women and won’t let anything happen because they do, in fact, love you. Trust in that and stop with the jealousy and the insecurity.

Jealousy and Insecurity are both fuck ugly bitches.