Knickerbocker Glory

RIGHT ABOUT NOW; The Funk Soul Brother. Check it out now; The Funk Soul Brother. Right about now

Imagine if you will, a gorgeous but chubby raven haired white girl driving home hopped up on a toasted coconut latte, dancing behind the wheel… So graceful is she as she rocks her shoulders back and forth and wiggles her hips – still seated and with both hands on the wheel of course. She IS a mother after all; there has to be some sense of decorum and safety. Well, perhaps not decorum so much… but safety always!

Right about now, ’bout now, ’bout now, ’bout now

Surely the coffee and music on it’s own didn’t put her in such a bouncy mood? It must have contributed to her mood when her children were promptly ready for school this morning… But today is a day for laundry, not dancing silly woman! Yet as the music changes she is still bopping along towards home.

Vanilla Strawberry Knickerbocker glory. Vanilla Strawberry Knickerbocker glory. Vanilla Strawberry Knickerbocker glory. Vanilla Strawberry Knickerbocker glory…

‘Oooo, Ice cream…’ she thinks – only increasing her sense of hyperactivity. Man, she is gonna be SO productive today! Laundry and a blog post (or two) AT LEAST!

She pulls into the driveway, intending to promptly get out and get to her planned productivity. But wait… Now that’s she’s parked she can dance WITHOUT her hands on the wheel! ‘Just one more song won’t hurt nuthin’,’ she decides…

Put me in the hospital for nerves and then they had to commit me. You told them all I was crazy… They cut off my legs now I’m an amputee – God Damn you!

Yup, Today is gonna be a good day 🙂

*Artists: Fat Boy Slim, Fujiya & Miyagi, Harvey Danger

Tee hee heeeeeee

My husband came down to the living room where I was sitting, watching TV, to inform me he had a new story for my blog. I had free reign over the words that followed  to share with the masses.

He had just been taking a bath, trying to warm up after a long day out in the cold, rainy, outdoors. He thought about how I commented the other day that his sandy colored hair was soft. As such, he decided he’d try putting conditioner in it just to see if it would become even softer/silkier. It’s not something he usually does.

He picked up my new conditioner that is from Revlon’s new ColorSilk color protect line – for Black.

It was a blue color, which didn’t concern him as he used to use Selsun Blue… So it didn’t seem odd to him. The bottle said to leave it in for five minutes, so he ran it thoroughly through his very red beard and his sandy blond hair.

After a few minutes he noticed a black streak running down his face. He looked down at his beard and his beard was black!

He said he nearly shit himself as he quickly started rinsing it all out… scrubbing as he did so.  It didn’t come out immediately, so he scrubbed his head and face for 10 minutes and still his hair was darker than it should be. He got the majority of his true color back…. but his beard is still a darker red and his hair is still tinted a blue-black:

IMG_4528

AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA…. I giggled to the point of tears again. He was telling me how silly I was the other day about how I still laugh to tears over scaring him over a year ago… I told him this may just make the laugh-to-tears-even-after-years list too… Hahaha!

He said the thing was that he checked the bottle and no where does it say it will color hair… Yet, the shampoo states clearly that it does not color hair… the conditioner did not say either way. So, I guess the moral of the story is… Don’t use the Revlon ColorSilk Color Protect hair shampoos/conditioners unless you actually have dyed your hair that color (or you want to enhance your natural color that matches the version you’ve bought.)

Also…. Bahahahahaaaaaa!

*PS I love him even though he has noted I tend to laugh only at his pain…. …. …

Reblogging Rae: Maja Memory #1

Post # 8 from my recycled series – This one is from May 2015, new pictures added 🙂

Booop Booop Booop – that’s my poor rendition of the skype ring tone – …Booop. Oh My God, Maja’s calling! “Hush up!” I say to the kids. Maja and I had been playing Skype tag for almost 6 months, finally a tangible chance to actually click that little phone icon and actually for realsies talk to BFF girl (#2)…and see her face even!

I just got off of Skype where Maja and I chatted for nearly an hour and a half. …Okay, more like two hours…. two and a half tops! We’ve been BFFs for 16 or so years now and I still learn new things about her every time we talk – and vice versa – and yet it is always so familiar and just the same when we talk.

Now, in addition to her 3 year old, she has a 4 month old. This baby is the main reason we hadn’t been able to do our regular skype dates over the past few months… but one glimpse of his poof of hair and his cockeyed grin and…well… who could be mad?

I made the observation, after shooing my kids to bed and after her littlest puked on her, that who knew? Who knew that we would end up one day, still friends, chatting away being mums and changing poopie nappies or getting puked on together? Even continents apart and we can still somewhat do this – be BFFs and raise kids together. My daughter, Emma, telling her daughter “I love you forever!” as she signed off and resigned herself to her bedtime. One day they’ll meet in person. My son and her daughter were born a month apart – so OBVIOUSLY we are arranging their marriage already 🙂 And then her baby son was born within a month of Svea’s daughter… so there you go. One day we’ll not only be BFFs, we’ll be family too… right? Right. Let us dream about it at least 😉

It’s just such a strange concept to think about the shenanigans we got up to (when she wasn’t grounded) in High School… and now we are Mums. Relatively upstanding ones at that. Our conversations don’t always make us appear as such, however; when we reminisce or reveal memories to one another that the other didn’t know about at the time.

Oh the words that have to be said in Swedish so our kids won’t catch on. But then mine go to bed and hers are in another room, so we let the expletives fly after a little while.

Today she pulled out the yearbooks. I lost mine many years ago in Hurricane Katrina – a sad sad day. I love pictures, I love memories – as if you couldn’t tell by now… losing my year books was a sad sad day. She held the pictures up to the screen for me to see, to remind me of someone she was telling me about that I didn’t remember… “Oh, yeah… him… Oh! There’s the kid that died!”

“WHAT? Who??”

“That one, in the sweater… no… over… yeah, yeah that one.”

IMG_2474 (2)

in the middle – kid that died

“How did I not know this?” She asked.

“You must have, Maja! He died in first year – got hit by a bus… remember? That’s how I got off the waiting list and into ESb in second semester… I took his spot.”

“What?!”

“Maja, seriously? It was your class first – how could you not have known that?”

“Maybe I did… I guess I just forgot…. Oo… Look, there’s Dan!”

“Haha, yup I remember that pic… that wasn’t even his class… he was in EN, remember? You’re gonna scan these for me, right?”

IMG_2478

The picture we were discussing. Dan is hidden in this ES3A photo, though he was actually in an EN3 class. (I won’t point him out so as to keep a semblance of privacy lol)

“Yeah, oh… AH!”

That’s when the boy puked on her.

We’ll take a pause while she wipes him up…

I learned some more specifics about the antics she got up to with John when I wasn’t around… I knew they hung out some back then, but didn’t have all the details. I learned about when she was in her excessive party days after Gymnasium, she met Owen Wilson and Axel Rose. …Starting to sound like maybe I should have stayed in Stockholm a little longer, huh?

I told her that though I saw several celebrities out and about in Stockholm when I was there – the one that sticks in my head is walking past Tomas Di Leva on the street… he turned and acknowledged me as he passed by. Doing a little bow. I told her he had this look on his face that made me feel like he wanted to say “Blessings on you my child” and then recruit me into a cult.

“He probably wanted you for a sister wife.”

I would rather have met Axel Rose.

Reblogging Rae: Anneke and Heather

Post #4 of my flashback/recycled posts – this one is from February 2015 – one of the very first memories I posted.

“It’s your turn to sit in the back, Rae.”

“Only if you put the top up!” I said as I climbed into the back of Heather’s convertible. It was the middle of Swedish winter and we had made Anneke ride in the back on the way there.

Heather liked to put her heat full blast, but had a notion that to make the heat really worth it the top should be down so the heater could blast away the cold. It was actually pretty comfortable that way – when you were sitting in the front. If you were allotted a back seat, you had to be sure to have your best hat and mittens.

“Anneke, for real though – let me borrow your hat. I left mine at home.”

Anneke grudgingly complied with my request, only because she had already suffered the backseat that evening and knew how cold it was. Now it was two hours later and even colder as night had truly set in. Not that it was all that much lighter earlier. After all, night fell around two or three PM this time of year.

Settled in and as comfortable as I could be, Anneke and I started in on Heather; teasing her about Per. Per and Heather were both leaders at our Young Life group there in Täby, though Per was Swedish, Heather was an American College student that was only supposed to be there for a couple of years.

Heather played along with our teasing – though she had been writing off what we had noticed as chemistry between them. (Turns out, eventually we would be proved right as Heather and Per got married and she stayed in Sweden indefinitely.)

She then deflected from herself by teasing Anneke about her crush on Anders. She said “Du vill kissa på honom!!” Anneke and I burst out laughing. Bless Heather and how hard she was trying to learn Swedish… She looked offended and asked what we were laughing at. “’Kissa’ sa du!” We choked as we giggled. She had told us that Anneke wanted to “piss” on him. “Menade du ‘Kyss??’” We asked her. “Did you mean ‘Kiss??’”

“I’m pretty certain I do not, in fact, want to piss on Anders.” Anneke said, laughing.

Reblogging Rae: I’m a Mean Wife

Post #3 in my flashback/recycling series – this one was also made private awhile back and was a continuation of the first post I posted in this series (An Evil Woman.) Originally posted in December 2015.

A few months ago I was laying in bed reading or writing or some such literary activity when my husband came to the doorway to talk about something. I can’t remember what the conversation started about, but at some point he said something about a message stream he had apparently read of mine a while prior. He said basically that he was intrigued by the open sex talk it contained as I was talking to one or both of my BFFs (Svea/Maja).

I’ve mentioned before, I believe, that I’ve never been very open about my thoughts with my husband – especially before this past year – let alone about sex stuff.

He said he was intrigued and then said he stopped reading when I mentioned an ex. He said “If you ever want me to not read something just write about another guy’s ‘package,’ and I’ll be done. I just don’t want to know.”

I was confused and said I didn’t even know what conversation he was referring too. “Must have been awhile ago… Who was I even talking about?”

“I dunno. I didn’t tell you I read it at the time… it was about some guy that was Norwegian or something…”

“Oh, that would be Danish. That guy was HUGE.” I exclaimed – gesturing with my hands to drive home the point.

My husband stopped mid-sentence. Shut his mouth and just looked at me for a second. Then he said “I’m out,” turned on his heel and walked out.

I was cackling with laughter – I couldn’t help it – but I called out after him: “Hey! Where’re you going?! …I just said it was big – not that I liked it!”

I laughed some more, his reaction had just amused me so much. He didn’t respond initially so I went back to my task, giggling under my breath periodically.

About ten minutes later my husband walked back into the room silently, threw a king size candy bar into my lap and walked back out again.

Confused I called out “What’s this for? I told you I didn’t want candy – I’m on a diet!”

He came back in to respond “I just thought you’d like it because it’s so big.”

Then he walked out again.

I snorted back laughter and yelled out again “I never said I LIKED IT!”

****

He continued to periodically make references to me liking something because of it being ‘so big’ for several weeks after that. I suppose he can be pretty funny himself sometimes… but, hey, I’m the one that is freaking hilarious! 😛

IMG_3607[1]

Reblogging Rae: Word F**kery

Post #2 for my recycling of my content series. This one is from June 2015… It contains some additional content.

I don’t know if it’s the insomnia I’ve had over the past few days, or simply the fact that I’ve been looking at and listening to other languages a lot this weekend. I have been listening to my Swedish music and reading a book in Swedish… and I also decided to start learning Estonian, so I have started to do a bit with that. Listening to music, looking up language basics, etc. Maybe my issue is a mixture of both no sleep and the immersion back into more-than-usual foreign interaction… but I have been having the strangest sensation.

Yesterday, as I was sitting at my desk – more than once I heard people in the hall talking and I could swear they were speaking a foreign language. Foreign in the way that I couldn’t understand what they were saying, even though I knew they are Australian and obviously speaking English. Though I had no issue if someone actually walked into my office and spoke to me directly.

My brain is fucking with me.

I have had similar issues in the past where I will read English words, but sound them out as a Swede would and then get so confused because it obviously then doesn’t make sense. After a moment I realize I’m reading English it all makes sense again.

Luckily Svea agrees this type of stuff happens to her constantly. She is always forgetting what language she is speaking or what language her current book she is reading is in. Good to know I am not alone! I’m sure it is worse for her since she has need to flip back and forth more often.

I recall a time back in High School that Svea was chatting to me and suddenly said “Oh! Sorry! I was speaking Swedish!” I laughed and told her she had been doing it for the last 20 minutes… and if I hadn’t understood her I would have told her.

Maja likes to fuck with me sometimes by writing English words in Swedish phonetics – so that if you were to read it aloud it would be English, but with a very thick Swedish accent.

Honestly, it makes me laugh every time. But the very first time I read English in a Swedish accent, it was through an Elvis comic in the Stockholm Metro paper. I had no idea what I was reading and I was so confused. I thought I had better say it out loud because it must be slang spelling – as a lot of comics do – (usually they spell like “Mej” instead of “Mig” for example.) I then realized, not only was I speaking English – but I was speaking very rude English with a thick, thick Swedish accent. This made me laugh even more heartily than the actual joke.

kt89r7ttsujfsuixe6opsfavluba3xbxagztervq4a28jaroxs31csw2pjesh

(These images were missing from the original post… But I found the exact comics I am referring to! Woo! Translations at the bottom 😉 )

**“Vaj ju nävär ansär ven aj kall?” Maja writes to me. “Ju sac!” She adds. I comment on how it makes me giggle every time and she tells me “Aj lajk to spik inglish vit ju.”

It makes me giggle – but now I think perhaps Maja just might be responsible for the fuckery in my head.

Thanks for that, Maja. Thanks a lot.

~~~~~~~~

Elvis translations – (in parentheses means it is actual Swedish) the Italics are the Swedish-accented English

Elvis comic #1: Panel 1: (But WTF) Do you suffer of a small manhood? Order our cockenlarger today! (Fucking junk mail!) Panel 2: No Thankyou, Motherfuckers – I don’t need it

Elvis comic #2: Panel #1: (Who are you writing to?)(Responding to junk mail. I’ve been invited to try Viagra and penis enlarging pump.) Panel #2: (and?) (What do you mean “and”? It’s offensive! I hope they think my reply is too) Why are you writing me? My cock is bigger than your whole family!

** “Why you never answer when I call?” …”You suck!” … “I like to speak English with you.”

Reblogging Rae: An Evil Woman

Post number one for my recycling of old posts series, this one is originally from December 2015- this one was actually made private awhile back when my husband expressed displeasure at being talked about on my blog. He has now; however, eased on that front. So here you go: re-sharing an incident that I still find to be freaking hilarious and epic. Enjoy 🙂

 

I FINALLY, after over 12 years of marriage, I FINALLY actually legitimately scared my husband… and it was so worth the wait!

So there I was, waiting on my husband to be ready to go somewhere; he was taking awhile in the shower so I went to the bathroom, opened the door and asked “How long are you going to be?”

He didn’t hear me.

Oh, what an opportunity.

I walked up to the shower where I saw his eyes were closed as he was rinsing his beard…

He he he, I thought to myself.

I pressed my face up against the glass door, making sure my nose was pressed upward for a more amusing effect and proceeded to wait.

It couldn’t have been more perfect how he bent his head, turned, and opened his eyes right in front of my face.

He screamed and reflexively punched the glass.

All my mom and step-dad heard was a yell and me coming down the hall crying and having difficulty breathing. My mom was like “Oh my God, Rachel’s been hurt!” and jumped up…

No, I was just laughing that hard it took me a good 10 minutes to express what had happened.

I literally laughed for 45 minutes straight – tears streaming down my face… In fact, I am still laughing and crying as I write this two days later…

When my husband came out of the bathroom he called me an “evil woman” and said I had never scared him like that in the whole time we’ve been together… He also stated that I looked like a “window licking mouth breather.”

My God, it was excellent… I am freaking hilarious… you’ll just have to trust me on that.

I will be laughing about that for years to come.

IMG_3597[1]