I am aware. I am aware of the fact that my actions and reactions in relationships can be categorized as bad, just as bad. Perhaps even worse. Considering I've had such actions used against me. Relationships that changed my entire view of how relationships work and how to, shall we say... survive them. Emotional manipulations,… Continue reading Unpack All The Boxes
A few days ago I was listening to a podcast, as I am wont to do almost any moment during my free time these days, and the guest struck a particular cord with me this time. She was a 90s girl at heart, she told Dax Shepard on his podcast "Armchair Expert" (August 12, 2019… Continue reading 90s Girl at Heart
My anxiety is rising. I was in a good mood earlier today, and I plan on feeling okay tomorrow... The thing is that as the holiday season starts, I am catching ripples of anxiety - like waves of salt hitting my face, suddenly so that I don't have time to close my mouth. I sputter… Continue reading Being a Nothing-of-Consequence
I had a post pop up yesterday in my Facebook memories from years ago... A post that one of Dane's exes had written to me, after she had moved on and married someone else that is. It was a generic catch-up conversation, in which she noted she hadn't really spoken to Dane in awhile -… Continue reading Unfortunately Irritating
You have no fucking clue right now. Well, if you have a mother like mine perhaps you do. I have reached the last straw with this woman. I dunno if I have the energy, honestly, to explain the whole thing right now. Suffice it to say my mum is a crazy narcissistic bitch who is… Continue reading Overdramatic, Foundationless Accusations
Dane unfriended me on Facebook. I told you that. He inferred I was disposable and it seemed he'd rather keep David in the FB friendship circle. Ok, fine then. I accepted that, though it hurt initially. The thing is, even after pushing me away so hard; trying his damnedest to put distance between us and… Continue reading Smoldering Bridge
I have a follow up with my psychiatrist in a few days. She wants to check on how my meds are doing now that I am entering the annual timeframe that the worst of my PTSD usually takes effect. So what am I going to tell her? I keep thinking about it... do I still… Continue reading At What Level is it Normal?
I've discovered something definitive about my friendship with Dane this week. Well, ex-friendship at this point. I have become disposable to him. I'm not sure when exactly it happened, sometime over the last two years since I moved back to the USA. Up until that point... the last time I had talked to him while… Continue reading Being Disposable
It's been awhile since I've written about anything related to relationships and/or the memories thereof. So, I thought perhaps I'd bring up that topic again. I had a few ideas over the weekend, of particular memories to tell you all... but, alas, I was negligent in writing them down and I have since forgotten. Geez,… Continue reading OMG, Neil, How Could You Do Such A Thing?
It hit me dead on; a slap in the face and a punch in the gut simultaneously. I saw a picture of Wyatt and it initiated a wave of nausea that washed over me, no, rather it billowed like a storm surge. I can't explain why I felt the way I did. It doesn't always… Continue reading It Billowed Like a Storm Surge
"He doesn't look abusive," she said when I showed her a picture of my ex. "No, I suppose he doesn't," I responded. Thinking to myself at least not when he's smiling... if he was screaming in her face, she wouldn't think that. It was always fun with him around, until it wasn't. He was always… Continue reading Not When He’s Smiling
Had a revelation today. A potentially awful revelation. Dane and David are back in contact, via Facebook, if nothing else. I don't know how long they've been in touch. As far as I can tell it'll have been less than a few months since they reconnected on FB... but I don't really know. I sent… Continue reading A Twinge of Betrayal
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I hope. Apologies that I've been MIA somewhat again. I started a new position in which I am training Full Time at a facility that's an hour away from my home at the moment. Will continue to do so for another two or three weeks before going to the… Continue reading It was good to hear him laugh
Get ready for a ramble fest y'all. Last night hubs said something that made me think... I have been blaming Wyatt for instilling a lot of negative relationship behaviours in me... and to an extent I think that's still true, but perhaps I've been bred to be ... How did he put it? ... I… Continue reading My Idiosyncrasies
**Fair warning, it's a swearing kinda day** 51 weeks ago, exactly, I wrote about Valentines Day Vs St Patrick's day as a half assed effort to refocus myself from the Lenten/St Patrick's season that I usually become depressed in. This year, however, Valentines day legit starts the actual season of Lent. Ash Wednesday and St… Continue reading Glad You Didn’t Die, I Guess
Oh geez, it's past 11 PM on New Year's day and I still haven't written my obligatory New Year's post... How are you all supposed to know what my resolutions are, or how great or terrible 2017 was, or what my sights for 2018 are if I don't write a blog post about it?! First… Continue reading Obligatory New Year’s Post
I had another dream about David on Christmas Eve. Unexpected, it's been several months if not longer since I've had one of those. I'm not sure if something actually triggered it, or if it was just my brain saying "hey, guess what we haven't dreamt about in awhile?" Whenever I have these dreams, they always… Continue reading Far Away From My Corporeal Body
What makes him love me? What made the others not really care about me? Sometimes I think I'm pretty good at reading people, situations, and relationships... When I pay attention that is. At least I used to think that. Over the past year or so, maybe it's been brewing longer... I've realized I often don't… Continue reading Maybe There’s Hope for Me Yet
I let a friendship go today. Not just any friendship, a best-friendship. Something I've been mulling over for a while now, and while I was sitting in church this morning; likely listening to a very similar sermon to what he'd be listening to, I knew I just needed to rip the bandage off and get… Continue reading Until then… Bye Dane.
I summarized my dealings with David in one main sentence "A Full force whirlwind of terrifying clusterfuck," in my last post. Though I've written parts of the story here and there on the blog and my older readers pretty much know the details, I figured I would rehash the story a little in these last… Continue reading The Story of: A Full Force Whirlwind of Terrifying ClusterF**K