Now – back to some more regular programming. LOL as in – not just a whole bunch of pictures. Back to old themes and old memories – or in this case memories forgotten.
In my first Treasures post, I mentioned a journal entry in one of the journals I shared with Anneke. It was a vague entry in as far as I mentioned telling my friend John about something to do with my past with guys and he became legitimately angry. I noted that his eyes were scary.
In that post I wondered what the heck I had actually told him as both Maja and Svea had confirmed I never straight out told them about being abused or anything prior to meeting them – they did both; however, say when they found out that they had often suspected.
After reading this journal entry I called Maja up and mentioned it… I legitimately didn’t recall this event happening. She did. She didn’t know what I had said to him, but she recalled him remaining very angry after the fact – yelling about how men shouldn’t “treat a bird that way!”
Curiosity got the better of me so I messaged John late last night – he currently lives in Africa so not likely I could get a hold of him easily in real time. I explained what I had stumbled upon and that I had no recollection of it. I told him I spoke to Maja and what she remembered… and said “I guess I’m wondering if I spoke in generalities or actually told you as the one and only person that I had gone through a two year abusive relationship…?”
He responded this morning that he did in fact recall that conversation. He was fuzzy on the details (he promised to think on it and get back to me if he remembered more), but he did remember the anger. He remembered that it was around the time that I was his Desdemona… He recalled sitting on some desks in a classroom (my guess would be in our English classroom) while we chatted. He remembered getting angry with the conviction that I didn’t deserve that.
I wonder to myself how much I revealed to this guy – this tough, thug like guy – that I didn’t feel that I could reveal really to my BFFs. Honestly; from that journal entry I’m actually surprised at myself how much I said to her…
But now at least it makes some sense at how he had the protective feeling over me. It makes sense that he came to me in the courtyard and told me he intended to “take care of” any guy that may choose to hurt me. It makes sense now that he told me and Maja that we were his girls.
It also makes sense that Maja would have picked up on the sense I had been abused after seeing John’s reactions to whatever I told him. Maybe I said it outright, maybe I didn’t and he just got enough of a sense of what I was saying to read between the lines. I don’t know – maybe I’ll find out soon if he recalls any other specifics.
For those of you that have been following me for awhile you may be confused by the name change – some of my commentary may sound familiar especially if you’ve read the book… I had changed his name to Jude… Obviously his name is correct in the journal and I didn’t want to confuse anyone further by not matching the name to the images… (which also, by the way, the featured image is our year book from that same year – I am top second from the left, and he is directly below me in the hat.) I’ve written about him/mentioned some of this in this post and this post. To be fair, he also doesn’t go by John anymore – sometimes I forget when we’re talking and I revert back to old habits… But he doesn’t like who he was back then and doesn’t like to go by the name he used all those years ago.
I dunno, John… I liked you heaps. You were always nice to me even when I wasn’t so sure why. Clearly you had a conscience that affected you – especially when it came to things and people you cared about. “…Thank you, John… for clearly being my friend.”
Speaking of journal entries of events I don’t recall… I read a couple of my personal journals that made it through the years as well – still missing some specific ones I wish I still had… but wow. Still a blast from the past and well worth keeping and remembering.
I wrote in my journal that while I was dating my husband I wrote about going out with my friends Brian and Patrick in which I met a guy I described as their creepy friend named Zack. This guy had asked me if I was dating Patrick and when I answered in the negative, he informed me that I was hot and that he wanted me.
I politely declined, letting him know I was in a serious relationship; to which he replied that it shouldn’t matter if I was with someone. (Why the fuck did he care if I was dating Patrick then?) I told him I didn’t have any intention of being with anyone else while I was in this relationship. He replied asking why I let my boyfriend control me…. Followed quickly by the offer to control me himself. He suggested taking a hold of my hair and pulling it while kissing me.
I’ve talked on this blog before about how I do, in fact, like it a little rough and I honestly do like my hair pulled on occasion… but Fuck Off “Zack.”
After reading this entry, I did kind of remember the occurrence – not many details – but I remember the icky feeling this guy gave me. Since when did a girl wanting to be faithful mean she wants to be controlled? Since when is it okay or even sexy to offer to control a girl you just fucking met? I mean… dude… maybe if you had been smoother about it and maybe if I was otherwise single and somewhat into you I might have gone off with you to get your rocks off… How about in the event of that occurrence – then and only then you can ask me if I want it rough or want my hair pulled? Otherwise *gag.*
For the record, I did actually write “Ewww” in my journal when recounting this individual. Now that I recalled this incident I think it needs to be added to the list of my stories – the stories we as women must tell so that we can teach our sons “not to be creepy assholes.”
To end it on a happier note, though – I also found one other bit of text I wanted to share with you all. Easter 1999 – I received this card from Justin. An instant smile spread across my face and a tear or two stung my eyes. I had all but forgotten I had kept this. It was in the small keepsake box I grabbed and tossed in the truck when we evacuated from Hurricane Katrina… Thank goodness 🙂
I’ve had some terrible men come across the path in my life’s journey. I’ve had some pass through briefly such as that Zack asshole or the men that attempted to rape me. I’ve had some walk side by side with me for longer – taking the same course for months or years. I’ve had men make me feel terrible about myself, tearing down my self esteem, for far longer than I should have allowed.
Yet, then I’ve had some men that have come into my life that have made me feel truly special. I’ve had a few that actually made/make me happy.
I talk a lot about the men that caused all the negative feelings in me, yes I’ve talked about people like Justin and Andre before… Even Viktor etc etc that were all around decent men… but sometimes I get bogged down with the negatives. This card reminds me to pull my head up and remember that there really has been more good men than bad in my life.